Humans are Weird – Striking a Pose
The third tide of the lunch shift was at it’s peat before Shiftssubtly managed to get clearence from the Shatar medic to move about the base on his own. It was not that he minded the presence of the nurses. The Shatar Brothers were both kind and loving to an almost unusual degree. The human nurse, Damian, somehow managed to find that perfect balance between formal propriety and saccharine affection that many humans missed when faced with an injured Undulate. No, the nurses were fine, he was just delighted to be well enough to move about on his own power, even if the lingering effects of the cold damage make him clumsy and more than half deaf.
He bumped into the wall of the stream as he misjudged the current and scrambled to grab onto the portal to the cafeteria before he was swept away and had to circle the base currents again. He was dimly aware that someone nudged him gently from behind and he popped through the portal, into the confusing bustle of the cafeteria. He hesitated a moment as he listened for the voice that would be familiar but muted, like all other sounds, he finally caught the thread of Human Friend Jock’s voice and happily began to swim towards it.
Human Friend Jock was sitting at one of the recessed tables. He bare feet dangling down into the water, swinging back and forth in the idle motion that all human feet seemed to indulge in when suspended off the ground. The human was laughing at something another human had said when Shiftssubtly came up to him. Shiftssubtly did not have time to make himself known before Human Friend Jock spotted him and gave a sudden joyful sound.
“Shifts!” Human Friend Jock cried out. “Second Sister finally let you out of the medical tank?”
“She did,” Shiftssubtly confirmed.
He tried not to wince at the sound of his own voice. He had spent so many rotations mastering the subtly of a human vocal range. Now he could tell that his voice was flat and emotionless. He wouldn’t have minded so much, but even through the haze of his damaged perceptions he could see Human Friend Jock wince in sympathetic pain as the sound reminded him of the danger Shiftssubtly had been in.
“And I have used my new freedom to seek out you,” Shiftssubtly went on, deliberately guiding the conversation into a new, more productive current.
“Well here I am little buddy,” Human Friend Jock said with a wide grin and spreading his arms out to exposed his core as much as possible. “What can I do for you?”
Shiftssubtly had been told that that was a sign of trust. Apparently the human core was full of soft, squishy bits that were easily damaged and one of the primary functions of having the arms so close to the body most of the time was to prevent predatory damage. It was a touching gesture when looked at like that.
“Second Sister suggested,” Shiftssubtly hesitated as he mulled over the exact meanings of his words, “well, ordered really, that I begin increasing my physical activity in every direction in order to encourage proper tissue regrowth.”
“Right,” Human Friend Jock said with a nod that was shared in sympathy by the rest of the humans around him. “Physical therapy, a pain but necessary.”
“I researched what was suggested for my species,” Shiftssubtly went on, “and there are a wide range of physical actions that will serve the purpose. However the primary note of import was that such activities are always most effective when done in group settings. I would like you to be my therapy partner if you don’t mind.”
“I’d be honored little buddy,” Humans Friend Jock said, but there was a curious frown on his face. “But if you don’t mind me asking why not another Undulate?”
“I observed your physical exertions in the communal pools a few days ago and they looked very enjoyable,” Shiftssubtly said. “I could sense that you were enjoying yourself and the joy was very attractive. Added to that you did them for the required half-hour I would need to-”
“My what now-?” Human Friend Jock said, his face flexing in perplexity.
Suddenly his skin flushed with embarrassment and he gave a startled yelp.
“You were there?” he burst out. “I mean of course you were there-I knew that-I just forgot-”
His voice cut off suddenly and he ducked his head down over his meal. Up to this point the other humans at the table had been going about their own conversations, but at Human Friend Jock’s sudden change in behavior they began to look between him and Shiftssubtly with obvious curiosity playing over their faces. The human female he had been talking to specifically seemed to be looking at Human Friend Jock with particular interest now.
“What movements of his would you be mimicking now Shiftssubtly?” She asked with a hint of a smile playing over her face.
Shiftssubtly knew that there was some complex human social game being played in this moment but he didn’t know what it was exactly. Human Friend Jock’s reaction suggested embarrassment but not shame so Shiftssubtly obligingly settled down into the water so that it supported his appendages and proceeded to mimic the four long appendages and head of the human in the movements he had seen. A ripple of chuckles and outright laughter swelled and dipped around him in gentle waves. Human Friend Jock did not laugh the least though there was a wry tone to the sound.
“So,” the human female said with a wide grin. “Human Friend Jock was flexing in front of the mirrors for a full half an hour was he?”
“Are these movements called flexing?” Shiftssubtly asked.
Human Friend Jock gave out a low groan and dropped his head onto the table.
“Yes,” he muttered, “yes it is.”
"Humans are Weird: I Have the Data"
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What does it mean when your human friend says “Watch This?”? Why does this simple phrase seem to terrify any alien that has first appendage experience with humans? #HFY #HumansAreWeird #HumansAreSpaceOrcs #EarthIsADeathWorld #EarthIsSpaceAustralia



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Of course if you want a signed first edition you can email me at the email on my website and I can ship you a signed Author copy of the first edition for the same price as the crowdfunding campaign $35 domestic and $50 overseas. I'll do that until I run out of extra books.
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Roundtable With Grimsabr - Kaiju NO. 8-What is Going On With Kafka and His Little Kaiju Friend

 https://youtu.be/LFKb9jGzCZw 
#manga #ShonenJump #Kaijuno8 #KN8 #Shinomiya


"Humans are Weird: I Have the Data"
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What does it mean when your human friend says “Watch This?”? Why does this simple phrase seem to terrify any alien that has first appendage experience with humans? #HFY #HumansAreWeird #HumansAreSpaceOrcs #EarthIsADeathWorld #EarthIsSpaceAustralia



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QUICK NOTE: RE: everyone who asked. The book is avaliable in Amazon regions US-UK-DE-FR-ES-IT-NL-JP-BR-CA-MX-AU-IN. HOWEVER The above link only takes you to the US Amazon site. The one indicated by the .com ending. If it says "not avaliable in your country" that just means that you need to click over to your Amazon region.


Of course if you want a signed first edition you can email me at the email on my website and I can ship you a signed Author copy of the first edition for the same price as the crowdfunding campaign $35 domestic and $50 overseas. I'll do that until I run out of extra books.
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​

​​ Humans are Weird – Thwack


The intricate network of pipes and tubing that interlaced the spaces between the decks of the human ships were a rather dull and colorless place to be. Aside from the occasional warning notation the humans had not considered it cost effective to expend resources decorating the surfaces that would only be seen during maintenance sessions or in violent emergencies. The reasoning was sound and Professor Stst’ks really had nothing to say on the topic in general. However, as she tried once again to settle herself comfortably on the portable hammock chair she found herself wishing that the dull surfaces provided something for her lesser vision field to analyze while her primary eyes focused on the study environment below her.
The cluster of long, narrow cylinders, carefully arranged to present an appearance of random distribution was an odd mirror of the environment she found herself in. These, being made of material far less processed however displayed a natural range of colors that was quite pleasing aesthetically despite the fact that this was their fifth round as research tools and they were beginning to show signs of physical wear.
She was just beginning to seriously consider drawing on the pipes, she was fairly sure there was no regulation against such marking, when the soft clicking of claws down the spider walk informed her that a colleague or student was approaching. A soft and fluffy undergraduate, carrying a pile of reading material nearly as tall as her head rounded the corner carefully, her extended claws bracing against the floor.
“Do you require aid Softling?” Professor Stst’ks asked.
“I have it,” the undergraduate replied in passable human, a little quicker than was strictly polite. “I have come to request that you let me observe the study.”
The undergraduate set the books down carefully, clearly she was being mindful of sound, and set her mandibles in a charming angle at Professor Stst’ks. The older Trisk decided to let the younger continue the conversation and turned herself so that her primary eyes were on the observation port again.
“This is probably the most controversial study to have been approved this generation,” the eager young undergraduate began after a few moments. “My father was amazed that they let you set this up, but my aunt says that we’ll get better data out of this than out of generations of passive observations.”
The observation platform hidden in the pipes lapsed into silence again and Professor Stst’ks felt herself relax. The soft undergraduate was a soothing presence and she clearly knew when it was polite to speak and when it was polite to let the words marinate in the web between their minds. The undergraduate made a few more observational comments and then selected a text on human aggression compared to Shatar aggression from the pile she had brought.
Professor Stst’ks felt an amused angle pull at her mandibles. Clearly someone had informed the undergraduate that these field observations involved far more null results than active results and the young one had taken this to her lungs when preparing her reading materiel. The continued like this in companionable silence for the better part of an hour before the enclosure below them opened and a human strolled in.
“Are we going to observe the aggression display?” the undergraduate asked eagerly as she scooted as close to Professor Stst’ks as common politeness and their hairs would allow.
“I still have not confirmed that it is an aggression display,” Professor Stst’ks reminded her in a gentle tone.
“But it does look like one?” The undergraduate barely waited the polite six seconds to add that question.
“It does resemble combat, or one of their more violent sports,” Professor Stst’ks said as she made sure the cameras were angled properly, “but no actual injury has ever been recorded from this activity.”
“I am afraid that these humans might not give the response,” Professor Stst’ks went on with a hint of regret in her voice after several moments had passed by.
“What makes you say that?” the undergraduate asked without lifting her primary eyes from where Professor Stst’ks had laid the bait.
“These are older than the base average,” Professor Stst’ks observed, “and they are more highly trained. I believe they are called officers. As one of their primary functions is to reduce the expression of instinctive behavior in the Rangers in training, they themselves display significantly less purely instinctive behavior than the average human.”
The two humans in question were discussing which flammable liquid they were going to select from the shelving unit they were facing. One was noticeably larger, with darker skin that came up to a nearly hairless dome that contrasted against the white and green of his uniform. The other appeared to have longer limbs and the thick radiation shield hairs that covered his head reflected a warm yellow glow. The two humans seemed to reach a conclusion, but didn’t immediately claim the substance they wanted. They were about to leave, to the visible disappointment of the the undergraduate, when the human with the longer limbs extended his hand towards the bait and picked one of the cylinders up. His face broke into a wide grin as he appeared to carefully find the balance point in the object. The larger human had moved a few paces ahead of him and had his back turned to the grinning human. In one fluid motion the grinning human brought the cylinder around in a great arc and struck the back of his unsuspecting companion’s head. The larger human froze in place and his eyes narrowed.
“Do you really want to do this Green?” He asked without turning his eyes to his companion. “Really?”
In reply the grinning human raised the fibrous cylinder again.
“Bonk!” he called out in a delighted tone as the cylinder connected with the larger human’s head.
“You asked for it!” the larger human cried out as he spun and snatched up another cylinder.
“Bonk,” the undergraduate observed with a curious set to her mandibles.
“Bonk,” Professor Stst’kt confirmed as she rapidly took notes.  
"Humans are Weird: I Have the Data"
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What does it mean when your human friend says “Watch This?”? Why does this simple phrase seem to terrify any alien that has first appendage experience with humans? #HFY #HumansAreWeird #HumansAreSpaceOrcs #EarthIsADeathWorld #EarthIsSpaceAustralia



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QUICK NOTE: RE: everyone who asked. The book is avaliable in Amazon regions US-UK-DE-FR-ES-IT-NL-JP-BR-CA-MX-AU-IN. HOWEVER The above link only takes you to the US Amazon site. The one indicated by the .com ending. If it says "not avaliable in your country" that just means that you need to click over to your Amazon region.


Of course if you want a signed first edition you can email me at the email on my website and I can ship you a signed Author copy of the first edition for the same price as the crowdfunding campaign $35 domestic and $50 overseas. I'll do that until I run out of extra books.
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"Humans are Weird: I Have the Data"
Audible



What does it mean when your human friend says “Watch This?”? Why does this simple phrase seem to terrify any alien that has first appendage experience with humans? #HFY #HumansAreWeird #HumansAreSpaceOrcs #EarthIsADeathWorld #EarthIsSpaceAustralia



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Hey! The books are moving well on Amazon and now have 111 reviews and ratings! If you bought the book and enjoyed it, it would really help me out if you leave a quick star rating on Amazon. A review would be great but just stars would be a huge boost *****!
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QUICK NOTE: RE: everyone who asked. The book is avaliable in Amazon regions US-UK-DE-FR-ES-IT-NL-JP-BR-CA-MX-AU-IN. HOWEVER The above link only takes you to the US Amazon site. The one indicated by the .com ending. If it says "not avaliable in your country" that just means that you need to click over to your Amazon region.


Of course if you want a signed first edition you can email me at the email on my website and I can ship you a signed Author copy of the first edition for the same price as the crowdfunding campaign $35 domestic and $50 overseas. I'll do that until I run out of extra books.
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​

​ Humans are Weird – High Waves


Ellipsoid Horizontal Major Five was far and away the most developed of the Undulate colonies. The first of it’s wild rivers had been tamed and nurtured into life generations before the Undulates had encountered any of the other sapient species. There were genuine tangles of family lines swimming though the carefully grown reefs, generations of Undulates whose appendages had never known the warmer and gentler waters of the homeworld. Clingspersistantly could be forgiven the welling of happy pride she felt as she draped over her friend’s broad shoulders.
“There’s a cluster of the brittle coral coming up,” Clingspersistantly gently nudged into her friend’s back.
“Thanks Cling,” Human Friend Susan replied as she shifted the angles of her velocity to avoid the section.
The colony was not short of human friendly sections. Far from it. The sprawling uplands, where the water was nearly prohibitively cold, swift, and lifeless were downright attractive to the giant mammals and attracted many as tourists separately from the allure of visiting an alien culture. However human bipedalisim sometimed did not mix well with the more brittle, or more jagged reef-forms that had been grown with only the sturdy membranes and dispersed surface area of the Undulates considered. Despite that several of their giant friends were wandering about the safer sections of the main agricultural cluster today.
Human Friend Susan had had a rather serious accident several days ago. The very concept of the accident was difficult for Clingspersistantly to grasp. The cause was fairly simple. Gravity had pulled down on Human Friend Susan’s foot with the full weight of her massive frame. A brittle section of reef had given way under the concentrated force. Her body had toppled forward at a rate, that combined with her having to be mindful of the damage the surrounding brittle coral would do to her unprotected palms, resulted in her twisting some portion of her lagging end in such a manner as it was not medically advisable to twist it. This had resulted in torsion damage to all of those mysterious points of connective tissue linkage. A sprain, the human medic had called it. There was apparently little even human medicine could do for such a mysterious injury and Human Friend Susan had spent several days trapped in a hammock while her tissues healed and even now she had to be extra mindful of how and where she stepped.
“I’ll be glad to get to the hot springs,” Human Friend Susan said, intaking and expelling a particularly voluminous draft of air.
“I have been told that many humans find the mineral content salacious,” Clingspersistantly said cheerfully.
A wave of amusement passed over Human Friend Susan’s skin, dispersing the trembling pain that had been there constantly for a moment.
“I think you mean salubrious Clings,” Human Friend Susan said in a tone that suggested suppressed laughter.
“Then what is the meaning of salacious?” Clingspersistantly asked.
Their conversation was interrupted when another human approaching from Human Friend Susan’s ventral vector raised an arm in a clear greeting. It was a bit confusing. The single appendage greeting that humans favored at this distance was certainly distinct but gave very little directional information. Still Human Friend Susan seemed to immediately recognize herself as the intended target of the greeting and raised an arm to wave back.
“Are the three of you planning to attend the mineral springs together?” Clingspersistantly asked with what she hopped was a sufficiently polite tone of eagerness.
The two of them alone at the springs had seemed rather dull if Human Friend Susan was just going to go limp in the warm water like last time.
“Nah, I don’t even-wait?” Human Friend Susan interrupted her own answer and her muscles stiffened and her stripes danced with something that seemed to always come just before she tripped.
“What do you mean three?” she asked in a tight tone.
“You,” Clingspersistantly replied, “that human there,” she indicated the one Human Friend Susan had signaled too, “and that human, I believe the word is behind, you,” Clingspersistantly indicated the other human coming swiftly in their wake.
“Oh sweet-,” Human Friend Susan dropped her arm to her side and began striding off at a brisk pace on a slightly different vector.
Her skin flushed with shame and she began to offgas stress pheromones that nearly made Clingspersistantly’s appendages tingle.
“Is this quite a safe vector Human Friend Susan?” Clingspersistantly asked, at a loss for any other question at the touch of the sudden shift in the human’s behavior.
Human Friend Susan slowed and took a deep breath before forcing her face into the shape that Clingspersistantly had been told would help to regulate her spiking pheromone response.
“Sorry bout that Clings,” Human Friend Susan said in a rueful tone. “It’s just, you know how it is, when you wave and they weren’t actually waving at you. Childish of me I know, but there it is. Wow, my foot is bothering me. Let’s get to that spring.”
Clingspersistantly hesitated but decided that the only polite option was to let the issue, that Human Friend Susan clearly did not with to speak of, flow out with the tide. After all, Human Friend Susan had given her a good starting point. She would look up the social implications of responding to a long distance wave that was not meant for you when she got back to the university.  

"Humans are Weird: I Have the Data"
Audible



What does it mean when your human friend says “Watch This?”? Why does this simple phrase seem to terrify any alien that has first appendage experience with humans? #HFY #HumansAreWeird #HumansAreSpaceOrcs #EarthIsADeathWorld #EarthIsSpaceAustralia



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QUICK NOTE: RE: everyone who asked. The book is avaliable in Amazon regions US-UK-DE-FR-ES-IT-NL-JP-BR-CA-MX-AU-IN. HOWEVER The above link only takes you to the US Amazon site. The one indicated by the .com ending. If it says "not avaliable in your country" that just means that you need to click over to your Amazon region.


Of course if you want a signed first edition you can email me at the email on my website and I can ship you a signed Author copy of the first edition for the same price as the crowdfunding campaign $35 domestic and $50 overseas. I'll do that until I run out of extra books.
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​ Humans are Weird – Peanut Butter and Fam


“What has you so pensive Two Trills?” Thirteenth Click asked as they darted around a particularly dense cluster of needle like leaves. “Is the laboratory nature of the forest freaking you out again as the human friends say?”
The massive forest stretched around them, monotonous in its conformity. One of the humans first extra-solar terraforming projects, this forest was one of the giant mammals proudest accomplishments. It was impressive. Even judged by the standards of the great forests of the Winged homeworld these ‘fir’ trees were massive. Their lower branches alone were massive enough to count as decent sized trees in their own right. The rough split bark offered innumerable comfortable perches. The scents that drifted from the internal fluids of the trees were heavenly. The extensive bryophytes that adorned their upper branches were delightful gardens. It was impressive, and disturbing if you didn’t strictly focus on a single tree.
Thirteenth Click understood why the trees were so evenly spaced of course. They were set out in a perfect grid, the pattern not broken, but alternated with the rounder, and near skeletal seasonal alteration trees that were supposedly necessary for optimal growth in the forest web. Somehow between the rigid, unnatural layout of the experimental forest, and the fact that the aggressive fir trees were rapidly killing their necessary companion species, and the fact that the humans considered this botanical warfare not only acceptable but natural, the entire situation just made one a little flighty. On top of all that his rather impressive nasal ridges, which flared and split attractively, were prone to getting stuck in the sap that leaked down from any injury in the tree’s outer bark. Once was quite enough times to need to comm for help because his nose was stuck to a tree.
“Not so much,” his superior answered. “I am just wondering if it is useful to warn you of your foolishness before hand.”
Thirteenth Click shot his superior a rather exasperated side eye. He was truly grateful for all the effort that Two Trills had put into his training. He had truly been a fluffy fledgling despite his University education when he had first been assigned to this research station. Two Trills’s calm confidence and quite leadership style had prevented countless unfortunate misunderstanding with their human hosts and had set Thirteenth Click on a path to build his own family tree much faster than he would have been able to do otherwise. Still, it wasn’t strictly necessary for Two Trills to remind him of the fact.
“And what foolishness am I about to display?” Thirteenth Click asked with an acidic note in his voice.
“Eating whatever the human’s are offering us,” Two Trills replied in a dry note.
The shock of that answer actually caused Thirteenth Click to miss a flap and he dropped several centimeters through the air before he corrected, shot past his superior, circled twice and finally snatched at the rough fibers of the tree’s bark. Two Trills circled back to his perch with a bemused expression on his face.
“What do you mean by that?” Thirteenth Click demanded. “Pardon my sudden updraft but that really does seem to go against every bit of training I’ve had, most notable the stuff that you gave me!”
“And what training would that be?” Two Trills asked, settling calmly down beside the agitated Thirteenth Trill.
“Humans love to feed us,” Thirteenth Click lifted one wing claw in demonstration. “It is a fundamental part of their culture to feed their friends. They are very careful about what foods they share as a lot of what they eat is toxic. As an officer in an ambassadorial role it is my duty to eat the food of whatever species is hosting us because sharing food is almost a universal goodwill ritual. Did I miss anything?


Two Trills heaved a long sigh and ran a winghook over one sensory horn, as if to express his utter non-surprise at the ignorance on display before him.
“You are missing so much,” Two Trills said in a gently patronizing tone that made Thirteenth Click positively bristled.
Yet the older Winged continued as if he hadn’t noted the reaction.
“Look down there,” Two Trills gestured with a winghook to the forest floor beneath them. “What don’t you see?”
ThirteenthClick glanced down. Sure enough the forest floor was blurry at this height to his eyes. He couldn’t see any of the duff and detritus he knew covered the soil and the intricate network of roots and symbiotes that extended as far down into the dirt as the branches extended above it.
“Duff, detritus, fungal growths?” He hazarded. “Those irritating little mammalian gliders. Maybe the pellets from the fragile deathwings.”
Two Trills flared his nostrils in confirmation.
“In short the entire ecosystem that exists below your awareness,” Two Trills said. “Now the humans have a very similar social ecosystem that is apparently below your awareness at all. You have not yet learned to keep your attention on your sensory horns well enough.”
“What did I supposedly miss?” Thirteenth Trill asked cautiously.
Two Trills was wise in the currents of the humans. It would be best not to let pride deny a lesson.
“The humans are plotting something,” Two Trills said gravely. “It is something to do with you specifically eating this food.”
“Even if what you say is true,” Thirteenth Click interjected. “Is it even possible for me to refuse eating the food? They went to a lot of effort to prepare this party for us.”
“As I said,” Two Trills admitted. “I was wondering if it was any use to warn you.”
“What makes you think they are plotting anything anyway?” Thirteenth Click asked, not that he disbelieved his superior but he hadn’t noticed anything.
“Giggling, snickering, odd glances at you that focus on your very equatorial nose frills,” Two Trills listed off.
Thirteenth Click sniffed, sending his nose frills trembling. Two Trills did have the stubby northern frills in comparison to his own. The humans would have noticed and wondered at it after all.
“It is odd that they never said anything about my frills,” Thirteenth Click said. “They are very nice after all.”
Two Trills gave him an amused and superior look before dropping from the tree and darting away. Thirteenth Click followed in thoughtful chatter. He muttered over the possibilities and potential reasons until they came in sight of the glow of the bonfire the humans had lit in one of the arranged clearings. It was dicey flying getting through the dense branches at the edge of the clearing. The Humans tended to just push through them. Then they were out in the open and the humans greeted them cheerfully. There were about two dozen humans scattered around the clearing. Thirteenth Click noted one human ornithologist had one of the tamed deathwings in her lap. She appeared to be massaging the deathwing’s talons and crooning to it that it was a good birdie. Thirteenth Click noted with relieve that it was secured to a log by strong jesses before he circled down to the table where the food was stacked.
“Now,” he called out without preamble.
If there was humiliation coming best get it over with. His fears were not soothed when he noted the majority of the humans slide their portable recording devices out of their pockets.
“Where is the culturally relevant food you were all raving about?” he demanded.
“Right here Lucky ol’ buddy?” Human Friend Guy said, pointing to several open canisters on the table.
There was a disturbing note of suppressed laughter in his voice. The vats were easily large enough to hold multiple Winged, which made them easily handleable for the humans. They contained a thick substance that gave off a not unpleasant fragrance. It was savory and earthy, and almost smelled like it was related to the fungus that the trees depended on. Thirteenth Click felt his nose frills twitch in anticipation and was only mildly disturbed by the suppressed snicker that ran through the crowd.
“How do I consume it?” he asked as Human Friend Guy handed him a proportionate container of the stuff.
He was twisting off the lid by the time the larger mammals answered him.
“Oh, there are a lot of ways,” one of the botanists said, a grin twitching at her lips. “That is its main selling point, but the easiest way it like this.”
She demonstrated by taking her spoon and dipping it into one of the jars. She scoped up a large mass of the food. Its consistency meant that a dollop twice the size of Thirteenth Click’s head clung to the spoon bowl without falling. She placed the entire mass in her mouth and used her teeth and lips to peel off about half the mass. Several other humans followed suit, all watching him intently. Thirteenth Click was really felling what Two Trills had warned him about now. These humans were just too eager to participate in this. Still, he had caught this thermal, he would ride it to the top. He took a proportionate glob of the stuff and scraped off half with his teeth.
It was as good as he had scented. It clearly was a legume with several of its symbiotic fungal species delicately laced into the paste. It had the odd taste that indicate the legumes had been roasted at some point. The texture was a bit dry though and Thirteenth Click felt his salivary glands activate to compensate. He went to swallow a bit, and realized that this was going to take a bit more time than he had thought.
The densely viscous paste was now firmly adhered to the top of his mouth where pulling it off the spoon with his teeth had pushed it. It also coated the roof of his mouth preventing his saliva from getting between it and said roof. He was going to have to remove small amounts with his tongue, bit by bit. It would be tedious, but the taste was good enough to make up for it. The humans appeared to be using the same strategy from the way their jaws were working.
That really didn’t do anything to explain why they were all watching him so intently and clearly suppressing laughter. He carefully began to work the mass down his gullet, twisting his tongue and lips this way and that to reach the stuff and each lick pushed the mass of paste into a new shape. He found himself having to tilt his head from side to side, even twisting his neck to get the proper leverage.
The humans, presumably because they had tongues that were as thick as his neck when they wanted to be, were already done and were clearly filming him and a few had even broken past what self control they had and were laughing outright. It was vexing but downdraft if he was going to let them know it. His nose frills bobbed energetically in front of his eyes as he reached particularly far forward with his tongue to get at some paste stuck behind his top teeth, obscuring his view of the snickering humans. At that the majority of their self control broke down and the clearing erupted in howls.
The deathwing gave a startled hoot and flapped up to sit on a makeshift perch its handler had erected. Thirteenth Click grimly toiled on clearing his mouth until he could speak clearly again.
“Quite delightful,” he commented, glaring around at the gasping and snickering mass of humanity.
Then, keeping eye contact with Human Friend Guy, he calmly shoved the second mouthful past his jaws as he had seen the humans do. The humans let out hoots of approval and the laughter erupted in earnest again. Thirteenth Click still had no idea why this was so funny, but by the mother tree if any of those videos went viral he was demanding a cut of the profits.  





"Humans are Weird: I Have the Data"
Audible



What does it mean when your human friend says “Watch This?”? Why does this simple phrase seem to terrify any alien that has first appendage experience with humans? #HFY #HumansAreWeird #HumansAreSpaceOrcs #EarthIsADeathWorld #EarthIsSpaceAustralia



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Hey! The books are moving well on Amazon and now have 111 reviews and ratings! If you bought the book and enjoyed it, it would really help me out if you leave a quick star rating on Amazon. A review would be great but just stars would be a huge boost *****!


QUICK NOTE: RE: everyone who asked. The book is avaliable in Amazon regions US-UK-DE-FR-ES-IT-NL-JP-BR-CA-MX-AU-IN. HOWEVER The above link only takes you to the US Amazon site. The one indicated by the .com ending. If it says "not avaliable in your country" that just means that you need to click over to your Amazon region.


Of course if you want a signed first edition you can email me at the email on my website and I can ship you a signed Author copy of the first edition for the same price as the crowdfunding campaign $35 domestic and $50 overseas. I'll do that until I run out of extra books.
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 Humans are Weird – Latest Challenge


Seventh Trill looked across the empty space between himself and Second Sister. He was perched in front of the massive window that formed the south wall of the commander’s office on this post. In the fading colors of the gloaming the rolling grasslands outside stretched to the perimeter fence and then beyond it to the horizon. With the office the interior lights were just starting to compensate for the fading natural light. The Shartar was standing there with her arms full of medical supplies and the pouches that hung from her utility harness bulging with sterile absorbent material. Seventh Trill slowly and deliberate placed his winghooks on either side of his snout and cycled a deep sigh of air.
“Let me get the wake in order,” Seventh Trill said in what he hoped the medic took to be a firm tone. “You are taking a quarter of the base’s medical supplies out into the middle of a field because the predator deterrent has expired?”


Second Sister curled an antenna in what he assumed was a gesture that meant something to someone who had lighted on Shatar kinesics for more than a moment. She seemed to realize the problem however.
“Yes,” she explained. “I really should be getting out there now-”
The Shatar shifted her legs as if to turn and go but Seventh Trill held up a winghook to restrain her.
“I seem to be missing critical information,” he said, straining to keep his voice calm. “I do not see any connection at all between the predicted and allowed for chemical degradation of the,” he glanced at the manifest in front of him, “pepper spray, and wasting, or rather using in a less that prescribed manner let’s say, a large mass of the base medical supplies.”
He paused and waited for the Shatar to respond. Her neck frill had stiffened and flared green with anger for a moment before shifting to the fluttering of general curiosity. Her head slowly rotated from side to side, threatening to dislodge the topmost of the medical supplies in her arms.
“What exactly,” she finally asked, “do you think I am going to do with these medical supplies?”
“I am sure as a rising thermal that I have not the faintest breeze of an idea,” he stated. “I am reasonably certain that you do not intend to retrofit them into ranged chemical predator deterrents but that is the only implication I could lift from your explanation.”
For a long moment the Shatar focused on him, letting her may faceted eyes rotate to really analyze him from every direction. Her mandibles worked quietly and he got the distinct impression that she was wondering how someone of his intelligence had managed to learn to fly, let alone rise to a command rank in a deep space field outpost. Finally she shook out her antenna and frill and glanced at the wall mounted chronometer.
“Yes,” she murmured. “That would explain how this happened. You haven’t had any experience with humans have you?”
He bristled a little in affront.
“I have not,” he said. “Though I fail too feel how that applies here.”
“The pepper spray is a human use tool,” she explained. “They developed it from an anti-herbivory chemical produced by various plants on their homeworld. The defense units that have just expired were engineered for the use of the various species but the humans still feel a proprietary interest in them.”
“That is interesting,” Seventh Trill said cautiously.
“They also have a range of culturally relevant activities that include these substances,” Second Sister went on. “In addition they have a scarcity driven distaste for waste.
Seventh Trill truly wondered where she was going with this spiral of information. He well knew that Shatar in general tended to be very literal and direct. It was on of the aggravating things about dealing with them.
“While I have no direct evidence,” she was going on, “I have gathered from the fact that all of the expired units are missing with most of the base humans that they have gone off into the fields for a related recreational activity.”
“Ah,” a dim light began to pierce the clouds of her explanation and he nodded slowly. “They are using the expired units for target practice. Commendable initiative.”
Second Sister’s triangular head tilted to the side and one antenna curled in what might have been amusement.
“Target practice?” she repeated. “That is perhaps one of the more charitable ways of describing what I expect they have been doing, but only if you consider their faces to be the targets.”
The silence stretched between them as more and more the artificial light took over, the unnatural light began to savor of something quite unpleasant as Seventh Trill caught up to her meaning.
“What makes you think that the humans would be that-” He broke off.
There was really no polite way to say stupid in any language.
“They haven’t returned and it is meal time,” she explained. “Young healthy mammals, even tanks like the humans, do not willingly skip meals. Their metabolisms punish them quickly for such slights. Therefore something is keeping them out past the security fence.”
“What do you suspect is delaying them?” He asked.
“If I had to diagnose without direct evidence I would say collective partial blindness and needing to feel their way home as a group like a pod of Undulates,” she explained in a calm tone.
“Why wouldn’t they just call in?” Seventh Trill demanded.
“Embarrassment,” Second Sister stated calmly. “Now if you will excuse me I am having a medical grade eye solvent loaded into the drip tank on the back of my hovercraft. That and these should be enough to provide first aid when I find the fools.”
She set out a foot and pivoted her body before trotting out of the office without another backwards glance. Seventh Trill watched her go and wondered how hew as supposed to write this incident up in his report.  

Animatic - I Said I Liked It - Story From "Humans are Weird: I Have the Data" Art By
​Pyrrhic Pluto - YouTube
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https://youtu.be/-La16kCNt70
#HFY #HumansAreSpaceOrcs #HumansAreWeird #EarthIsSpaceAustralia #EarthIsADeathWorld

"Humans are Weird: I Have the Data"

Audible

Why do humans insist on domesticating apex predators? Why are they so delighted by retractable claws? #HFY #HumansAreWeird #HumansAreSpaceOrcs #EarthIsADeathWorld #EarthIsSpaceAustralia



Amazon (Kindle, Paperback, Audiobook)



Barnes & Nobel (Nook, Paperback, Audiobook)



Kobo by Rakuten (ebook and Audiobook)



Google Play Books (ebook and Audiobook)

​

Hey! The books are moving well on Amazon and now have 106 reviews and ratings! If you bought the book and enjoyed it, it would really help me out if you leave a quick star rating on Amazon. A review would be great but just stars would be a huge boost *****!


QUICK NOTE: RE: everyone who asked. The book is avaliable in Amazon regions US-UK-DE-FR-ES-IT-NL-JP-BR-CA-MX-AU-IN. HOWEVER The above link only takes you to the US Amazon site. The one indicated by the .com ending. If it says "not avaliable in your country" that just means that you need to click over to your Amazon region.


Of course if you want a signed first edition you can email me at the email on my website and I can ship you a signed Author copy of the first edition for the same price as the crowdfunding campaign $35 domestic and $50 overseas. I'll do that until I run out of extra books.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08RSVHL81