Quilx’tch Speech

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Greetings and Salutations my fellow sapient beings! Would you like a book on your shelf that will always be good for a laugh? Humans are Weird: I Have the Data will be just that. A collection of short stories that will give you a comfortable chuckle and perhaps, just perhaps renew your faith in humanity.


I am Quilx’tch, Roving Nutritional anthropologist currently attached to the Survey Ranger Core and I need your help. You see over the past several years I have collected a large body of data (over 60,00 words) on the newest addition to our galactic community. The species know as Homo sapiens or our friends the humans. Now I am sure you have all heard, felt, seen, or sensed in your own way the stories of the bizarre and often contradictory stories of humanity. How they will softly say ‘ow’ even before they know they are hurt in a safe environment, yet will literally walk themselves to death before admitting an injury in a hostile environment. How they will willingly starve themselves until their mass had dropped to half its optimum state to feed a friend, but will fight over the last tater tot in the cafeteria.
You have know the strange rules that govern our interactions with them from immediately forbidding any activity that makes an adult human giggle for more than fifteen seconds to how to respond to a human who is darkly chuckling.
You have perhaps touched for yourself the strange, nearly hairless outer membrane of these humans flush with their radiant bio-energy and seen the biolights dancing across their stripped skin.
You have read the questions presented to the central university. Is it true that they are ignorant of their own beauty? Is is true that they will attempt to pet, tame, and domesticate the most dangerous apex predator in any location? Is it true that they name their appendages?
Through my own observations and through records from other observers I have striven to answer these perplexing questions.
However the Central University has had to direct all funding to the documentation and post event analysis of the so called “noodle incident” as the humans involved had remained obdurate in their refusal to talk about the matter and I have had to seek other funding sources to publish my work.
Thus I have submitted my body of evidence to the Earth Based company indigogo in a quest for funding.
Please share this video around and spread the word.
If you want the answers to the pressing question of why humans will go slightly out of their way to step on a crunchy leaf please choose your funding tier and purchase a copy of Humans are Weird – I Have the Data.

Humans are Weird – Losing it

“But we like music!” Bist insisted as he scurried to keep up with the human. 
Even laden with the musical instrument that was easily half again Bist’s sized the human was falling down the corridor at an alarming rate. The commander said that you got used to the steady double tread over time but it was difficult to imagine how one could ever ignore it. 
“Our concepts of music are nearly identical,” Bist went on. 
His voice was getting huffy now as the speed began to steal his breath. 
“I know Bist buddy,” the human said as he continued down the corridor. “That is why I want to go and practice my guitar by myself. I don’t want you hearing me when I’ve lost it this bad, also you know how the smell of blood and fresh tissue damage freaks out you little lizard folk.”
“Lost what?” Bist said as he parsed the long complex mammalian sentences. 
“It means I haven’t practiced the instrument in a long time and my skills have atrophied,” the human explained. “I don’t want to subject anyone on the base to bad music. When I’m back to the point that I can keep up the necessary musical rhythms without excessive mistakes I’ll come back and practice in the warm again. I promise.”
Bist fell silent but kept up with the human as they approached the outer door lock. His brain was still busily parsing the human’s excuse. The towering mammals used so much metaphor in their daily conversation that it was hard enough just to sort out what was literal from the duff. Meanwhile he had to secure the human in his thermal insulation. The human set the musical instrument on the floor and from the depths of the black patterned carrier came and hauntingly beautiful sound as if some deep cave were sighing with kin-sickness after being empty of life for too long. 
Bist fought to igmore the distraction and carefully provided the required second inspection point for the human. Said human kept up idle conversation about the thermal armor  components in what was at least only an exasperated tone. Unlike many of the humans who did shifts on the Gathering  bases this one never got angry, never tried to argue out of doing the required safety inspections, or worse never tried to slip outside during the night cycle in no thermal insulation save for the thin covering over genitalia claiming that he needed the cold air to clear his head. No, this human only ever radiated that low level tension that was just enough to express his distaste at the necessary safety procedure. Bist had just finished examining his shoes when something the human had said earlier caught up with him. 
“I am sorry did you say that you were going outside of the compound so that the scent of your injured flesh would not agitate the Gathering on the base?” Bist asked, reaching carefully out with his tail for the emergency lock down button.  
“Huh?” the human glanced up from where he was securing the instrument on his back and his eyes suddenly flashed with panic. 
In one of those classic mammalian moves the human seemed to teleport from his position to grab Bist’s tail in one hand and nearly lift the young Gathering off the floor by it. 
“Do not hit that button!” the human said in a frantic tone. “Please! Seriously! Look! No blood. No tissue damage! See! You literally just inspected me!” 
Bist took his good time to blink away the confusion of being hoisted about by his tail and squinted up at the all but clawless fingertips the human shoved in his face. 
“There is no tissue damage currently on your hands,” Bist admitted, “nor anywhere on your person. Why then do you think you will be acquiring some in the near future, and why do you think it is acceptable to do so outside in the cold, away from the safety of your community?”
“I’ve already explained-” the human said with a groan before seeming to realize that he was holding a fellow scientist half suspended in the air by his tail. 
“Sorry,” the human said as he gently lowered Bist back to a resting position. “Just please don’t hit the snitch switch. I am not going to hurt myself-” the human paused and considered his words, “any more than is culturally acceptable and perfectly safe.” 
“Go on,” Bist said in a warning tone as he waved his tail over the button the humans called the ‘snitch switch’. 
“Look!” the human said. “Have you ever heard of calluses?” 
Bist rolled his head in acknowledgment. 
“Well you have to develop them if you want to play the guitar,” the human went on. “Do you see the one’s on my finger tips?” 
Bist squinted at the smooth flesh of the human’s fingers. 
“I do not,” he said. “There is no epidermal concentration there at all.”
“Exactly!” the human said nodding his head eagerly. “I have lost my calluses. I need to rebuild them and for a guitar that always involves some minor tissue disruption if you’ve let it go too long. It won’t damage my survival ability at all to go out and practice for a few hours.”
The human widened his eyes in a way that made him look even more like a hapless hatchling than the soft mammals usually did. Bist heaved a sigh and lowered his tail away from the button. 
“Be careful out there you chaff brain,” he said.
“Will do!” the human called back cheerfully as he darted out the door. 

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 Humans are Weird – Banana Trees


“No it does not need to be a banana tree!” Ranger Ferris said rolling his eyes.
The larger human was lounging against the wall of the primary base green house watching the smaller human and Fourth Sister examining a set of young fruit tress marked with pale green tags.
“Which one of us is actually practicing Muay Thai?” the smaller human demanded. “Keep your uninformed opinions to your self!”
Fourth Sister tilted her head between the two male humans. Both seemed fairly relaxed and were twisting their faces into the contortion that indicated pleasure. Their voices were low and lacked the tones that indicated anger. While the content of their speech suggested they were having a confrontation every other social signal that she could read suggested that they were reciting some memorized trivia that neither particularly cared about. It was a strange situation but not one that she was required to investigate. She shook out her frill and turned her attention back to the trees.
“What about this one?” Ranger Trevor asked, stroking a finger along one of the long leaves.
“That one has a potential rating of four point seven,” Fourth Sister replied, checking her data pad. “You should leave it.”
“This one has some damaged leaves,” Ranger Trevor said.
“Indeed,” Fourth Sister lightly ground her mandibles together as she analyzed the totality of the data for the plant. “It came from a particularly productive seed-crop. We have plentiful clones of the parent genome. It has no particularly useful traits.”
“So can I have it?” Ranger Trevor asked, his face flushing with color in an expression of eagerness.
“We can exchange this for the agreed upon labor,” Fourth Sister confirmed. “Will you want to take this out to your training area or leave it here with the rest.”
“Well,” the human pondered. “It will need a good root system in the ground when I use it so the sooner I get it planted in the soil outside the better. This is a fast growing breed right?”
“It should reach the diameter you mentioned was desirable within two local years in the soil you provided in the sample,” Fourth Sister stated. “Though I should warn you. The free grown banana plants in this area are singularly lacking in potassium.”
“Not like I plan on eating them,” Ranger Trevor said with one of those disconcerting shrugs. “As long as you can assure me that the trunk will be the same density as the trunks on Earth.”
“While the gravity is slightly less the winds are marginally stronger on average,” Fourth Sister said. “The density and structural integrity of the trunk should be equal or possibly superior depending on the prevailing wind conditions in your training area.”
“Sweet!” the human crowed as he reached forward and in a show of strength that was impressive even for a human lifted the small tree, bucket, soil, moisture and all up into his arms.
“While they do have a high fructose content,” Fourth Sister said, “trunk density is unrelated to sugar production.”
“He’s not eating the bananas,” Ranger Ferris said with a grin as he lifted himself off of the wall and began following them towards the transport that had brought the humans.
“If I may ask what are you going to do with the plant?” Fourth Sister asked, her curiosity finally piqued.
“He’s going to kick it down,” Ranger Ferris said with a laugh.
Fourth Sister flicked her antenna in perplexed surprise and watched as Ranger Trevor turned his head and extended his tongue as if he was going to clean his eyes, but then retracted the stubby organ again. It appeared to have been a physical communication to Ranger Ferris because the larger human only laughed harder.
“I know that human lower body strength is capable of amazing feats,” Fourth Sister said carefully as the smaller human tenderly loaded the plant into the transport, “but I did not think that extended to being able to kick down a tree of that age.”
“Well we do!” Ranger Trevor insisted.
“No you don’t,” Ranger Ferris interjected as he slipped into the control harness of the transport.
“Yes I,” Ranger Trevor hesitated and seemed to ponder a moment. “Yes I will,” he finally said. “I could do it now but there are these unnecessary self-mutilation safeties in the human brain. I just have to get those turned off and I’ll be able to do that by the time the tree is larger enough. Thanks again Fourth Sister.”
“This whole banana tree thing was trite two hundred years ago,” the larger human scoffed as the transport pulled out of the parking area. “You don’t need anything but a heavy bag.”
“It is a time honored tradition!” the smaller human insisted.
Fourth Sister stared after the departing humans with her frill extending and retracting tight to her neck as she worked over the conversation. The concept that a sane sapient being could consider any self-mutilation safety unnecessary was enough to send her antenna skittering. She pondered what she should do for several moment before giving up and activating the communication function on her datapad.
“Second Mother?” she asked when the other end activated. “I...just...please talk to the two humans coming in. Ask them about the banana tree.”
“Of course my smoothling,” Second Mother said with a soothing click. “You look stressed. Have you been alone too long?”
“No,” Fourth Sister said. “The humans visit at least twice a day…”
Second Mother clicked thoughtfully.
“I will send Second Brother out with Eighth Cousin,” she said decisively. “You could use a nice sensible male around the plants if the humans have been acting up.”
“That would be nice,” Fourth Sister admitted. “The humans have indeed been acting up. Do remember to ask them about the banana tree.”  



For a chance to let me break your heart Check out Amazon Here for "Dying Embers" 


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Thank you all so much for your updoots and feedback. It gives me the will to go on. Want to see more? Think about becoming a Patreon. 


Or Subscribe Star if you Prefer. Tea refuses to buy itself and the more time one has to spend on a day job the less time there is for befuddled aliens.  ​

​Glitch Techs Co-Creator Dan Milano Answers My Weird Questions About Himself, The Show, and Animation

 BITT Prime-Glitch Techs Season 2 Episode 10-All of the Questions Get Deeper-None Get Answered


Hello my wonderful viewers and welcome to another episode of Betty Adams overanalyzes. Today we are looking as season 2 episode 10 of Glitch Techs. BITT Prime.
This is, hands down, the most satisfying cliffhanger I have ever been left on. With everything in chaos at the moment it is delightful torture to think it’s still up in the air if we are getting season 3 or not. But back to this episode.

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 I’m Mitch Williams–Glitch Techs Season 2 Episode 9–Mitch’s Secret Family – Even Better Than I’d Hoped


Hello my wonderful viewers and welcome to another episode of Betty Adams over-analyzes! Do you know that feeling? That feeling you get when your favorite pet theory turns out to be true? Isn’t that a great feeling? Well buckle up fellow fans we are about to take a tour down I told you so lane and I got it wrong boulevard!
I have been patiently waiting to do this video until all of the other videos were done. I have a new favorite episode and this is it! All of the little character hints I’d been seeing in Mitch’s relationships paid off in spades in this episode. So let’s jump right in.  



For a chance to let me break your heart Check out Amazon Here for "Dying Embers" 


Check out my teespring store for some cool merch! 


Thank you all so much for your updoots and feedback. It gives me the will to go on. Want to see more? Think about becoming a Patreon. 


Or Subscribe Star if you Prefer. Tea refuses to buy itself and the more time one has to spend on a day job the less time there is for befuddled aliens.  ​

 Settling the Score – Glitch Techs Season 2 Episode 8–Glaring Flaws Make Better Characters–Kaiju BABY




Hello my wonderful viewers and welcome to another episode of Betty Adams over analyzes. Today we are looking at season 2 episode 8 of Glitch Techs. Settling the Score.
This was the episode that took my opinion of the Miko is a glitch theory and turned it right on it’s head. Now do remember I still don’t believe that Miko, nor any of the techs, are glitches per sey. A glitch is by definition a malfunctioning and undirected set of plixils and a deliberately created, fully intelligent and aware person make of plixils is by very definition not a glitch. However I am now seventy-five percent sure that Miko at the very least has an artificial body. Now I am not going to spoil the sudden and jarring plot twist that upset my theories this hard. It is glaringly obvious and I trust that my wonderful viewers can spot it on their own.