Humans are Weird – Racing Circuit

“Is anybody going to investigate the noises coming from the disused supply bay?” Base Commander Four Trills asked of the office at large.
“Not willingly,” Tikt’skt replied after a far longer pause than Trisk fastidiousness required. “And the fact that you haven’t gone to investigate it yourself suggests you know exactly why.”
The Trisk made a point of turning his body away and began to groom his optical sensory hairs with his hindmost pair of legs. Commander Four Trills rubbed his wing hooks over his sensory horns in sympathy. This did have to be dealt with. He chirped in his most authoritative tone.
Every sentient in the room turned their attention to the human sitting at a data console, typing energetically away at a report. The seconds dragged out while they waited for the normally observant human to notice their attention. Finally Four Trill sighed and flew over to the man.
“Ranger Frank,” he said, coming to rest on the human’s head cover.
The human reached up and idly patted the Base Commander.
“Do you hear the noise in the supply bay?” Four Trills asked.
“You can’t prove that I do Commander,” Ranger Frank  said cheerfully without taking his eyes off of the screen in front of him.
“Do you plan on investigating it?” Four Trills asked.
“Investigate what?” the human replied without changing tone.
Four Trills sighed and fluttered out of the room. It was a matter of moments to reach the disused supply bay and he set his teeth grimly before flying through the upper door. A small cluster of humans surrounded one of the old water barrels that was sitting on end in the corner of the room under a window. Four Trills decided against announcing himself. He wasn’t the type of commander to sneak around but he genuinely doubted he could make the humans hear him over the sound of the humans yelling and stomping.
One human, a Junior Ranger Psmith he believed, reached over and began to pound his fist onto the scapula region of the human beside him, one Junior Ranger Ford. Four Trills perched a moment on a support beam and rubbed his aching sensory horns. While any reasonable species would consider the crushing blows an assault he was under the impression that the two youngest humans were close friends. And Ford didn’t seem to be reacting to the blows that were moving his body several wingwidths with every strike.
Four Trill gathered himself and darted over to circle over the human’s heads. He stared down into the barrel. The first filtration level had been removed revealing the second filtration level. This left a depth of about a human’s hand span. In that space five concentric arcs of a sucrose substance the humans enjoyed as a treat had been laid. The arcs were nearly complete circles, but only the inner one was closed, making all arcs the same length. Five specimens of the newly discovered insectoid species were placed, each on one of the lines. Four Trills stared down at the sight in confusion.
 Slowly he realized that the insectoid’s were not still. They were feeding on the sucrose substance. He flinched as he realized what the portions of the arcs behind them must be comprised of. The absurdity of the situation settled on his back like a rock and he decided to dismiss speculation.
“Ranger Grimes!” He chirped out.
He deliberately allowed his voice to raise into a range he knew would cause the humans some discomfort. It was the only way to be heard above the din of twelve lungs, each the volume of a family sized tent. The humans jumped and looked up at where he was hovering.
“It’s legal!” Yelped one human.
“Checked every regulation!” Insisted another.
“We’re not hurting them!” piped up a third.
“What are you doing to them?” Four Trills demanded, deciding to go straight to the point.
“Racing them!” Ranger Grimes said cheerfully.
Four Trills stared down at the uplifted faces and then slowly came to rest on Ranger Grimes’s hat. The humans watched him with a hush so intense he could hear the slow grinding of the insectoid’s mandibles on the sucrose granules.
“How?” he finally asked, “could that movement be considered a race?”
“We see whose brick beetle gets to the end first,” Grimes explained.
Four Trills rubbed his sensory horns as he tried to make sense of that.
“Are we in trouble?” one human finally asked.
Four Trills sighed and took to the air.
“Please be more quiet,” he requested. “The rest of the base is trying to work.”
 
 Thank you all so much for your updoots and feedback. It gives me the will to go on. Want to see more? Think about becoming a Patreon.  Tea refuses to buy itself and the more time one has to spend on a day job the less time there is for befuddled aliens. 

Humans are Weird – Illicit Smuggling Operation

“I apologize for interrupting you,” First Mother said, uncurling one antenna to get the attention of the Trisk on the other side of the holo-link, “but could you repeat the accusation?”
“You subordinate has been running an illicit smuggling operation,” Tisk’krt repeated slowly and carefully.
“Second Brother!” First Mother said, her frill limp with shock.
“It is hard to believe,” Tisk’krt said with sympathy in the set of his eight legs. “Especially of such an experience ecologist.”
“He is always so careful about contamination,” First Mother said, oscillating her head in confusion. “And he knows the regulations so well! Has he given any defense for his actions?”
“Eyes.” Tisk’krt stated.
First Mother tilted her head to the side as she waited for the rest of the sentence.  None came.
“Eyes?” She asked, parting her antenna in curiosity.
The Trisk commander slumped.
“Perhaps you should view the recording for yourself,” he said.
First Mother flicked her antenna in agreement and the holo-link dissolved and resolved into an image of Survey Core Ranger, Ecologist Stephen Bryce, Second Brother to his friends. He was standing in a posture of forced openness humans displayed when trying to convince another of the lack of danger in a situation that was clearly dangerous. In his hands he held a creature of slightly larger mass than a Winged.
“And why?” demanded the recorded voice of Tisk’krt, “did you risk contamination, subvert protocol, and endanger your position on this world in order to smuggle these creatures out to other humans?”
“They’re harmless-“ Second Brother interjected.
To First Mother’s shock the Trisk actually interrupted the human.
“We have established that you do not have enough data to confirm that claim!” Trsk’krt nearly snapped. “Why did you do it?”
The human seemed to struggle with the answer, and then finally lifted the creature so the camera focused on its face.
“The eyes!” Second Brother said in a deeply earnest tone. “Look at those giant, deep eyes!”
“Oh,” First Mother drooped as the beginning of understanding caused her frill to flutter in a mix of sympathy and irritation.
“Do you have an explanation?” Trsk’krt asked eagerly as the holo-link switched back to him.
“I suspect I do,” she admitted carefully. “You see when I was stationed with Second Brother I was still only First Sister.”
The Trisk commander waved a gripping leg for her to continue.
“My homing instinct hit me at full strength cycles sooner than I expected,” she went on. “So Second Brother and I had many conversations about mating age and sexual development while I was waiting for transport to the garden my sisters had prepared for me and he who would be the First Father.  Second Brother told me many things about the similar human instinct codes. I hesitate to make an absolute statement.”
She paused to gather her thoughts.
“But that creature,” she said, “displays significant neonatal signals by human standards, and I suspect Second Brother might have been made susceptible to that by his – I believe they call it a biological clock.”


Thank you all so much for your updoots and feedback. It gives me the will to go on. Want to see more? Think about becoming a Patreon. Tea refuses to buy itself and the more time one has to spend on a day job the less time there is for befuddled aliens. 

Humans are Weird – Working Through It

“Just attach the replacement sensor and we’ll be on our way,” Sixteenth Sister said as she examined the data in front of her.
Her human partner gave a grunt in reply that she had come to learn meant confirmation of her order. He ambled over to the sensor tower at the edge of her perception and Sixteenth Sister tilted her head to absorb the atmosphere. Her frill flicked in unease and her antenna curled a little tighter. She did not like being this exposed. The thick groundcover spread out from their open transport in every direction. The rustling foliage blended with the sky completing the pod, but it was so big, so far.  Sixteenth Sister clamped her frill to her neck and drew in a deep breath. Brother Unicus assured her that humans could see for kilometers in clear air, that the joining of the sky and flat land was not so much a pod but a great dome. He said that he loved the sensation. He called it Big Sky country. Her thoughts returned to her partner as something made an alarming clacking sound.
“Brother Unicus?” she asked. “Is the assembly going well?”
“Yeah…no,” Brother Unicus said.
Before Sixteenth Sister could ask for clarification Brother Unicus snapped out a profanity and dropped the sensor.
“Are you injured Brother Unicus?” Sixteenth Sister demanded, leaping out of the transport and dropping her data pad on the seat.
“Not exactly,” Brother Unicus said as he attempted to flex one of his hands.
“Your hand!” Sixteenth Sister clicked in shock.
“Yeah,” Brother Unicus muttered, glancing to the side.
“It is twice the size of your other hand!” Sixteenth Sister said.
“I got stung,” Brother Unicus stated.
“When did the sting occur?” Sixteeth Sister demanded. “Hold a moment.   I will get the first aid kit and the data pad.”
“It’s no big deal,” Brother Unicus assured her. “It happens. I don’t react bad to that species.”
“When did the sting occur?” Sixteenth Sister asked again as she pulled up a medical report form.
“About eight o’clock this morning,” Brother Unicus stated.
Her frill snapped out and Sixteenth Sister tilted her head to focus on her partner.
“You have been experiencing this reaction,” she observed slowly, “for nearly six hours?”
“Well it was slow to get started,” Brother Unicus said with a shrug. “Didn’t get bad till about an hour back.”
“Get in the transport,” Sixteenth Sister said, barely able to keep her voice in the low human rangers.  
“We gotta finish,” Brother Unicus pointed at the half disassembled sensor network.
Sixteenth Sister bent to snatch the fallen sensor up and stalked up to the human. She arched her legs, flared her frill, and extended her antenna. Even at full extension her antenna tips barely reached his chin.
“I am the senior Ranger,” she said. “Get in the transport and begin filling out the injury report.”
“But…” Brother Unicus began.
“Survey Core Ranger Steven Cole!” she snapped. “You will follow medical protocol!”
At the sound of his full designation Brother Unicus twitched and grabbed the datapad then scurried towards the transport. Sixteenth Sister sighed and quickly put the sensor tower into standby mode. She leapt into the transport and activated the engines.
“What were you thinking?” she demanded.
“I figured if it didn’t get too bad I could work through it,” Brother Unicus said.
Sixteenth Sister curled her antenna at him sternly.
“Medical report,” she snapped. “Now.” 

Thank you all so much for your updoots and feedback. It gives me the will to go on. Want to see more? Think about becoming a Patreon. Tea refuses to buy itself and the more time one has to spend on a day job the less time there is for befuddled aliens. 

Humans are Weird – Climbing the Walls

Thank you all so much for your updoots and feedback. It gives me the will to go on. Want to see more? Think about becoming a Patreon. Tea refuses to buy itself and the more time one has to spend on a day job the less time there is for befuddled aliens. 


“I do not think I would be able to explain it scientifically,” Twistunder observed as he nuzzled into his companion, “but I think I understand the allure of these indoor combustion chambers to the humans.”
Rollsslowly gave a lazy hum of assent and lifted a sensory rich appendage to absorb some of the radiant warmth spilling out of the combustion chamber. They were twined together in a shallow pool that formed a sort of raised center to the common room of the research base. The  main lights had been dimmed in tune with the diurnal cycle of the planet and the majority of the staff were spending the rest day sprawled over the furniture either reading or composing messages for distant loved ones. Several human couches were arranged around the Undulates’ pool, all facing the circular stone contrivance the humans called the fire pit. A vent hovered over the pit to guide the fumes and smoke out of the common area and various steel levers hung on the side for when the humans felt the mysterious urge to prod at the flames.
Twistunder’s musings were cut short as one of the humans in the shadowy reaches of the room tossed aside his book and directed a resentful glare at the large bay of windows that comprised the south arc of the structure. Twistunder mused over the view. One of the massive storms, the kind that were unheard of on his planet, was whipping the forest outside into a frenzy of movement. The trees, each of which he knew to be several unds in diameter were bending and dipping like so much algae. Twistunder supposed he could sympathize with the frustration that caused the human to drum his fingers on the arm of his chair. Finally the human produced a wordless gust of air and snapped to his feet. The human paced back and forth several times and suddenly made a run at the wall.
“Human Friend Susan?” Twistunder asked after a moment.
Rollssowly grumbled as Twistunder had to pull away to form the words.
“S’up lil bud?” Human Friend Susan asked, before immediately breaking into a yawn.
“What is Human Friend Red doing?” Twistunder asked.
Human Friend Susan blinked slowly at him and Twistunder lifted a gripping appendage to indicate the path the human was taking.  Human Friend Susan swiveled her head slowly and focused on the other human. Her face went slack for a moment as her eyes tracked his course, before breaking into a wry smile.
“He’s climbing the walls Twist,” she said with a laugh.
“I did not think this architecture allowed a human sufficient purchase to climb the walls,” Twistunder observed.
“Neither did I,” Human Friend Susan agreed. “But it is storming you know.”
She indicated the window with a nod of her head.
“I was under the impression that storm weather sent mammals into a torpor like state,” Twistunder said.
“Sometimes,” Human Friend Susan said.
She winced as the other human reached the ceiling and almost fell from his perch before moving onto the next one.
“But keep a human cooped up too long and they do start climbing the walls,” she concluded, turning back to her book.
“I have heard that phrase,” Rollsslowly observed. “However I thought it simply a figure of speech.”
“Well now we know,” Twistunder said. “Human Friend Susan, I believe the fire needs poking.” 

Recently I have been training my cat to sit beside me and chill while I watch online videos. He has got the idea and even started watching the videos. Judging by his attention he prefers Halo lore videos. I tried him on cat documentaries and various other types but nothing grabbed his attention like the videos on Halo lore. 

Build them a large dog house that gives them insulation and plenty of room to turn around.

Then watch the dog house collect chicken nests and baby goats while your Great Pyrenees prefers to lay on the cold, hard ground. Or sprawl in the snow. One of the two.

Set up play dates

You want to keep your Pyrenees exercised and socialized. After 5 minutes of play, watch Pyrenees pin the other dog to the ground, steal the ball, and then bury it because this thing the humans call ‘fetch’ is so far beneath the dignity of a dog that it will not be allowed while he is on duty, thank you very much. He will then watch from the shade, smirking while the other dog looks for the ball.

Schedule a spa day

High-end shampoo and conditioner, paw massages, and a thorough brushing to keep the coat functioning well. Catch your Pyrenees rolling in the mud as soon as you get home.
Feed premium-quality food
Spend your day preparing healthy meals or purchase top of the line food for your Pyrenees. Cry when your Pyrenees snubs your high-quality, healthy meal to go eat the rotting apples under the tree, the grain mash for the chickens, and the dry bread for the goats.

Put out a baby pool

Search high and low for a Pyrenees-sized pool to keep him cool in the summer. Watch Pyrenees use it as a giant water bowl instead and find the deepest mud puddle to roll in.

Prepare an Emergency Loading Ramp for Vet Trips

Pyrenees average 110 lbs each with 175 not being uncommon. If the worst happens, a broken leg, poisoning, or even generally illness, you will need the help of an inclined plane to get your Pyrenees into the vehicle for transport. Then watch as at the sight of the rear gate opening the incapacitated Pyrenees forgets his pain and suffering and leaps three-legged into the car. He may be in immeasurable pain and suffering but by Jingo he gets to GO WITH YOU! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR! START THE CAR!

Buy presents for each holiday or celebration

Throw your hands up in despair as Pyrenees completely ignores the new toys and proceeds to minutely inspect each and every rock in the field that he has passed every day of his life.

Remember fireworks are the end of the world

There is a bloody reason you don’t see Pyrenees in war movies or police collars. A full grown Kodiak Grizzly Boar? Potential friend or an easy fight. A pack of wolves? Who cares, they wouldn’t dare cross your massive fluff guardian. But set off a PoP-It too close to the yard and suddenly your Pyrenees has teleported through two fences a mile away and is doing its best impression of a Chihuahua in your lap as you lay gasping on the ground wondering why the clouds are so heavy and why they decided to smother you today. On the Fourth of July and any festival days remember to designate a Pyrenees cuddler and calmer for the duration of the boom boom.

Allow guarding and barking

Both are necessary to satisfy instinctual needs and keep yourself safe. Learn that Pyrenees thinks the neighbor dog, the post man stopping three driveways down, and a raccoon five miles away are all equal threats to a full pack of Dire Wolves but can be staved off with a few good barks.

Offer all the kisses and snuggles in the world

As far as your Pyrenees is concerned there is no such thing as hugging too long. Your will will break, your arms will tire before his do.

​Thank you all so much for your updoots and feedback. It gives me the will to go on. Want to see more? Think about becoming a Patreon. Tea refuses to buy itself and the more time one has to spend on a day job the less time there is for befuddled aliens. 

Humans are Weird – Palindrome

“Want to see something cool?” Human friend Susan asked of the room at large when she came through the inner airlock.
There was an amber colored flurry of movement in the central perch tree as the Winged left the exterior perches and sought cover in the inner compartments. Three Undulates eased under the surface of the rest pool without so much as a ripple. Five Trisk  sprinted up the ladders to a higher level catwalk, putting them conveniently out of Human Friend Susan’s line of binocular sight.
Krs’ktt suddenly found himself regretting his last promotion. If he were still a lowly sub-commander he could have justified joining his subordinates on the higher levels. As it was being the ranking officer in the communal room meant it was his duty to determine if they over-enthusiastic biologist had brought back anything particularly horrific from her rounds.  The quarantine protocols should have prevented any such thing being dangerous but this human in particular had proven quite adept at finding creatures, items, and … well the only proper word for them was monstrosities that somehow did not meet the criteria for exclusion.
“I would be very interested in seeing this cool thing,” Krs’ktt said aloud as he walked to the edge of his work surface.
The human grinned and held up her datapad at about hip height. Krs’ktt felt the tension in the room drop dramatically. She had only brought back documentation. A few tentative sensory appendages poked out of the pool, paired black eyes peered out of the perch tree, and his traitorous kin edged to look down at what Human Friend Susan was showing him. He relaxed even further as he saw not the expected visual image recreation (nothing needed as many organs as the last carcass she had photographed had displayed) but only the standard data entry screen.  He loosened his joints in relief and tilted his head to the side curiously.
“I am afraid I cannot recognize any pattern in this data set,”  he said with an apologetic wave of his primary gripping leg. “Perhaps another biologist might-“
“No! No!” she interrupted with a laugh.
Krs’ktt fought back a wave of bristling annoyance.
“The metadata!” Human Friend Susan went on. “Look at that data point. I think it’s seventh from the bottom.”
“That is a data point,” Krs’ktt said.
Human Friend Susan laughed.
“It’s a numerical palindrome in the standard Core font!” she said.
She looked at him expectantly.
“What is a palindrome?” Krs’ktt asked.
“Oh,” Human Friend Susan blinked and her head tilted as she thought over her response. “It means the written item reads the same in both linear directions.”
Krs’ktt angled his primary eyes at the screen and tapped a knee joint thoughtfully.
“I do not see the pattern,” he finally said.
Human Friend Susan’s face wrinkled and she turned the screen to look at it.
“This one,” she said, touching the beginning of the indicated line.
“It is not symmetrical,” Krs’ktt pointed out.
“Leave out the punctuation,” Human Friend Susan suggested.
“It is still not symmetrical,” Krs’ktt argued. “Not that I can see. It has an odd number of digits.”
“Well just cut the central naught in half!” Human Friend Susan pressed.
The Undulates where all heaved out of the water now, waving their appendages attentively at the interaction. The Winged had taken to the air and were circling closer. Krs’ktt stretched out a bit and waved the Winged commander down.
“What do you thing Fifteenth Click?” he asked politely.
The amber Winged hovered in front of the screen a moment.
“I do not see this as symmetrical even with those specifications,” he said. “The tails on the threes alone would-“
“But aside from the little stuff!”  Human Friend Susan interrupted.
Fifteenth Click and Krs’ktt glanced at each other curiously.
“We do not see the pattern Human Friend Susan,” Krs’ktt finally said with as much firmness as he could muster.
“Well it’s there,” Human Friend Susan said cheerfully. “I thought it was cool. Well ciao .”
She dropped the datapad in her hip pouch and strolled towards the kitchens.
“Cool,” Liftsgently spoke from the pool. “She uses the same designation for a single datapoint with an unusual pattern in the metadata as she does for a container full of fungal reanimated insect corpses.”
Krs’ktt stretched out his legs and returned to his work space as the common room fell into the usual noisy discussion that followed their human’s return.