​Humans are Weird – Darkly Chuckling  
“Do you remember that rule?” Five Clicks demanded as he darted into the biology lab.
Quilx’tch did not ignore the base commander; far from it. He was acutely aware of the Flighted’s presence as he carefully set his sample of solid animal protein in the crucible and eased it into the dehydration oven.  No, he did not ignore the base  commander as he fluttered maddeningly around overhead. He did however, chose not to respond until the timer was set and the sample was heating.
“To what rule do you refer?” Quilx’tch asked, once he had the freedom of movement to turn his primary eyes on Five Clicks.
“The one you taught me!” Five Clicks responded, landing so he could toss his wings up in exasperation. “About the humans, and giggling!”
Quilx’tch placed one gripping paw on the tertiary joint of its opposite limb and lightly tapped the paw of that limb just below his chelicerae. The gesture worked to get the humans to slow down and give one time to ponder and sometimes even influenced the Flighted.
“I believe I informed you that it was more of a suggestion than a rule,” Quilx’tch pointed out. “Also that it was only in an informal document.”
“That is not the vector!” Five Clicks snapped as he began darting around the room again. “One of the humans has been giggling for the past fifteen minutes!”
“What is he planning?” Quilx’tch asked, suddenly alert.
“I don’t know that he is planning anything!” Five Clicks declared. “By all appearences he is simply working on a duty report.”
Quilx’tch paused far longer than the normal six seconds to ponder this and for once the commander didn’t interrupt his musings. The threat of unknown human behavior was a great inducement to politeness Quilx’tch thought ruefully.
“This is concerning” Quilx’tch stated slowly. “Perhaps I should observe this behavior.”
“Oh thank the Mother!” Five Clicks said as he darted over to the nearest screen. “Here I have the security footage ready on the server for you to view. It should contain al the information you need.  I have accelerated the playback so that you can obtain an better  understanding of the central issue of the matter.”
Five Clicks went on even as he set the log to play back and Quil’tch was about ready to start pulling his own sensory hairs out in irritation when it really dawned on him what he was listening to.
“Stop the playback!” he snapped.
Five Clicks immediately fell silent and complied.
“Now,” Quilx’tch said, raising a gripping appendage. “Pay it forward at the normal speed.”
The sound played for a few seconds and Quilx’tch turned and darted out of the room. Five Clicks followed him instantly.
“What is wrong?” Five Clicks asked. “You are fluffed out like you just saw a hungry predator.”
“That isn’t giggling,” Quilc’tch said grimly. “Though I can understand your mistake. That is what the human call dark chuckling.”
“What is the difference?” Five Clicks asked, a note of true fear in his voice.
“Intent to cause inconvenient interruptions to daily life and intent to …”Quilx’tch stopped his statement. “We need to talk to this human immediately.”
“Very well,” Five clicks agreed.
They found the office where the human was working and the ominous sound was still being produced. Quilx’tch ignored protocol and dated past the privacy barrier, up the human’s leg, and only came to a stop when his physical presence interfered with the rapid typing of the human’s fingers on the keyboard.  The human stared down at him in mild surprise.
“Human Friend Steve!” Quilx’tch immediately began. “What are you dong?”
“Filling out those bull-ah-unnecessary reports that Central asked us for this morning,” the human said, tilting his head in surprise.
“And is this an amusing task?” Quilx’tch asked.
“Ah, are you okay little guy?”  Human Friend Steve asked with a frown. “It’s just you seem awful rushed-“
“Please just answer my question,” Quilx’tch cut in.
Five Clicks stared down at the interaction in wide eyed shock.
“Is it funny?’ Human Friend Steve repeated. “Well no. It is a huge waste of time if you ask me.”
“Then why are you chuckling darkly?” Quilx’tch demanded.
Human Friend Steve stared down at him blankly for a few moments.
“Was I?” He asked.
Quilx’tch indicated Five Clicks.
“Base Commander!” Human Friend Steve called out in surprise, leaping to his feet.
Five Clicks flew down without a word and landed on the consol, triggering the playback. Human Friend Steve listened intently and his face contorted in a sheepish grin.
“I guess I was,” he conceded. “Sorry for freaking you out.”
“Why?” Quilx’tch demanded. “We’re you chuckling darkly?”
Human Friend Steve flushed with embarrassment and  rubbed the back of his head.
“Well,” he said slowly. “You know those unnecessary reports we have to hand in by the end of today?”
“Yes,” Quilx’tch said suspiciously. “They are a deplorable waste of time are resources however the rest of the base was done with them by the end of the morning.”
“Well I figured a little turn about was fair play,” Human Friend Steve said with a grin.
“What do you mean?” Five Clicks asked.
“My report,” Human Friend Steve said as he bent under the table and pulled out a massive stack of printouts, “is here.”
He dropped them on the table and reached under for another.
“And here.”
He bent down yet again and pulled out a third stack.
“And here!” He declared gleefully. “They wanted detail? I’ll give them detail. Every data point, every calculation! Everything!”
His speech ended in a dark chuckle which in turn cascaded into a maniacal laugh.
“Everything!”
Quilx’tch relaxed in a slump and without bothering to respond walked out of the office. Five Clicks followed him with a final concerned glance back at the human.
“Well?” he demanded.
“I have work to do,” Quilx’tch said with a dismissive wave. “The situation has resolved itself semi-productively and dealing with the fallout of others’ interspecies bureaucracy is not my job.”
“How did the situation resolve itself?” Five Clicks demanded.
“From everything I have observed of Human Steve,” Quilx’tch said. “He will be content with his retaliatory actions. This base has nothing to fear.”
“What retaliatory actions?” Five Clicks demanded.
“You saw the raw mass of his report,” Quilx’tch said, “and you can speculate what kind of trouble that will cause for the much smaller mass of the official who requested it. Go to the human aggression database and look up malicious compliance. It will be informative.”

Humans are Weird – We Took a Vote

“Oh  scrap,” Human Friend Steve muttered as he stopped dead and commenced the stationary swaying that substituted for stillness in humans.
“This,” Commander Triclick said in the lowest voice he could manage, “is an intervention.”
“Seriously?”   Sergeant Smithson said with a laugh. “Steve here doesn’t even drink. How could he possibly have a habit bad enough to warrant an intervention?”
“I have bad habits,” Human Friend Steve protested.
“Enough!” Commander Triclick said waving a wing for silence. “Human Friend Steve, please enter the focus of the flight circle.”
Human Friend Steve seemed to ponder bolting for a moment. The commander’s use of the informal name clearly meant that was not an order, but the human suddenly went limp and slumped forward into the circle of the Winged soldiers. Sergeant Smithson glanced around and then strolled out of the room whistling cheerfully.
“Traitor!” Human Friend Steve hissed after him.
“Human Friend Steve,” Triclick said fluttering forward, “please catch me.”
Human Friend Steve held out his hands with a sigh and the Commander landed in them, letting his full weight fall on the human’s palms.  He opened his eyes wide, and revealed as many of his teeth as he could in a grin.
“What’d I do?” Human Friend Steve asked.
“Human Friend Steve,” Triclick began carefully. “We are concerned for your health.”
“My health,” Human Friend Steve said, glancing around the circle of the winged.
“Indeed,” Triclick said, bobbing his head up and down. “You are not getting enough deep sleep and you are deprived of oxygen.”
“How do you figure that?” Human Friend Steve asked.
“We can hear you sleep apnea from the other side of the base!” interjected one of the winged at the far side of the circle.
“I don’t have sleep apnea!”  Human Friend Steve insisted. “And I don’t snore! I-“
The lights suddenly went out casting the room in darkness and a sphere of light formed in front of the human.
“Please watch and listen Human Friend Steve!” Triclick insisted.
Human Friend Steve sighed and watched as an image of him sleeping in his hammock started to play. Sure enough the sound of snoring started up.
“What?” Human Friend Steve gasped as the recording played.
The snoring grew to a crescendo then broke off as the figure in the recording stopped breathing for a moment, then rolled over and went back to sleep, when the snoring started again.
“Okay, okay!” Human Friend Steve sputtered. “So I snore a little. What’s the big-“
“Your snoring vibrates my horns at night,” Triclick said firmly. “We took a vote. Ninety-seven percent of the Winged can’t sleep while listening to you suffocate multiple times a night. If you will not take flaps to remedy the problem for you own sake do it because you are keeping the rest of us up at night.”
Human Friend Steve sighed and shook his head.
“Okay, I’ll get the dang nose straps,” he muttered. 

You know how it is. You are out there pacing around in the few hours of rain-free time the Pacific Northwest gives you on a spring day and the idea comes. You smile. You weigh it a bit to see how it feels. You play with it. You give it a name. Then you walk to your computer to type it out.
But the computer is asleep. 
No problem. You can hold the idea while it boots. No need to write it down for that little time. 
Oh dear. Your word processor has been glitching and will take a few minutes to cold start? Maybe you should just jot down a few notes. 
Never mind. While the program boots you walk to the stove to make yourself a quick bowl of ramen. 
You go to turn on the stove top but it won't light. 
Oh well, while the program boots you can light the pilot light, make the noodles (only 4 min cook time after all) and eat your noodles while you finesse the story. 
But the pilot light won't light, and now you smell gas! Oh dear. Safety issue. The propane tank has run out of gas. 
No problem. You can switch out the propane tanks, relight the pilot light, make your noodles, and do that other thing while you eat. 
But...which of the cabin's four propane tanks is the working backup? Well, testing each one took some time but you did find it. 
Now you can detach the old tank, reattach the new tank, relight the pilot light, cook the ramen, and eat the ramen, 
Okay, now where is the attachment tool? 
Find the tool, detach the old tank, reattach the new tank, relight the pilot light,  cook the ramen, eat the ramen. This had better be good ramen. 
There is the tool! The old tank is detached. The new tank is attached. The stove top pilot light is lit. The water is on for .... why do you smell gas? 
Oh right. The hot water heater is a gas appliance too. 
Turn off the gas now. 
Do you know how to relight the #veryexpensive #NotAtAllSimple hot water heater? 
Your dad taught you? 
Good! 
But...this is an odd model. Better call Dad! 
So, call Dad, figure out how to light the hot water tank, light the hot water tank, relight the stove, make the ramen, eat the ramen. 
Would you look at that! 
Your cell phone is mysteriously not working! 
Climb the hill for better signal, call Dad, ask about hot water tank, light hot water tank, light stove!
Now you are not top of a hill. You have four bars. Your brand, spanking new cell is still not working! 
Find the crazy-in-a-good-way-and-likes-you neighbor to borrow a cell phone from. Call Dad. Ask about hot water heater. Light hot water heater. 
Remember that the crazy-in-a-good-way-and-likes-you neighbor's dog is perfectly sane, elderly, bloody giant, and does not like anyone except his two people.  From a safe distance ask to borrow a phone. Call Dad. 
Okay! You now have your rather concerned dad on the phone as you inch away from the thunderous barks coming from the dog marginally trapped in the mini-van. Now remember to try and convince him that you only need a few facts about this particular brand of water heater and not the full blown, step-by-step guide to safely lighting a water heater. 
OKAY! You now have the full blown, step-by-step guide to lighting most forms of propane based hot water heaters along with  a few comitragic anecdotes of what happens when poor saps don't light hot water heaters safely. You have returned the phone to the flower painted-green school bus and have been reminded by the native flora why you don't visit these neighbors in open footwear! 
Now  *safely* light that hot water heater! 
Good, good.
Now go inside. 
Wait! Why do you have a bag of ramen open on the counter?
Oh yeah, you're hungry. 
But the stove won't light! 
Better light that pilot light. 
Bring water to boil. Add gluten free noodles. Stand watchfully over the pot because gluten free noodles are not only unforgiving but also vindictive and cunning in their revenge. 
Sit down and eat those noodles straight out of the pot, remembering to save the broth for later. 
Do your feet hurt?
Must be from wearing flipflops while climbing a hill. 
Oh yes. Don't you think you should find out why your phone isn't working?
Better wake up the old computer and start a chat with the phone company too...
Well that is odd.
Why ever did you start up the word processor? 
Oh that's right. You had the idea for a perfect story didn't you?
You've forgotten everything?
Well that's okay!
You wrote it down...didn't you? 

This adorable illustration was done by EBK24 on imgur! 
I am trying to post it here. 
Let me know if you can see it. 
The Original Post is here. 

Humans are Weird – Not in the Lab


“How?” Thirty-Five Clicks demanded. “How did those lumbering idiots survive long enough to create FTL tech?”
Tsk’cht fought down the urge to punch the interrupting idiot who was currently gripping the sides of his head in those preposterous wing hooks right in his conveniently placed snout. All that tender mammal flesh just full of pain receptors.
“If I punch you I will spill my sample of floral oil,” Tsk’cht observed aloud.
Thirty-Five Clicks glanced swiftly between the mentioned sample and Tsk’cht’s primary eyes, then to each of the three legs that were free to strike, before letting go and fluttering just out of a Trisk’s deceptively long strike range to perch.
Tsk’cht pointedly turned his back on the Winged, hoping he took the full offense at the human gesture, and carefully placed the vial of volatile oils in the crucible. He deliberately took his time in manipulating the settings before turning back to the Winged. He studied the puffed out fur that Thirty-Five Clicks was rapidly grooming down with his wing hooks. Something had seriously disturbed the Winged.
“What did the humans do this time?” Tsk’cht asked.
“You wouldn’t believe!” Thirty-Five Clicks burst out, flinging his wings out.
“I cannot disbelieve what I have not yet heard,” Tsk’cht pointed out.
“He drank biofluids!” Thirty-Five Clicks declared.
Tsk’cth carefully brushed the guard hairs away from his eyes carefully as he considered this.
“Half of what humans normally consume can be classified as bio-“ he began.
“Not one like that!” Thirty-Five Clicks interrupted.
Tsk’cht folded his primary gripping legs and lowered his head into a glare position.
Thirty-Five Clicks huffed and crossed his wings back at him.
“Perhaps you should begin at the beginning,” Tsk’cht said.  
“I was in the field sample collection lab,” Thirty-Five Clicks burst out. “Observing the new scientists to make sure they were aware of our safety procedures when I noticed that one of the sample containers was nonstandard. On further investigation I discovered that it was a, one of those, the humans call them mugs, of coffee. I didn’t know that any tests were being done on coffee and as I had thoroughly read the task list I was prepared to critique the new scientists on several violations when I noticed one new human reaching for a beaker of-“
The Winged shuddered and rubbed his lips near violently. Tsk’cht stiffened in distress at the gesture but Thirty-Five Clicks continued before he could ask any questions.
“A beaker of Shatar saliva,”  Thirty-Five Clicks squeaked out in a tone that was only barely in Tsk’cht’s hearing range.
 “Then, then before I could stop him. He lifted to his mouth and nearly drank some!” Thirty-Five Clicks burst out.
Tsk’cht stared in horror at the Winged, well aware that every hair on his exoskeleton was fully extended. Several seconds stretched out between them before Tsk’cht could formulate a reply.
“Nearly,” he finally burst out, just to end the silence, “you said nearly? Why-“
“Oh the human gagged and spat it back into the beaker immediately,” Thirty-Five Clicks, said with a dismissive wave of his wing.
“He followed that with spitting out a few profanities,” Thirty-Five Clicks went on, “demanding who had put that beaker there and then proceeded to perform a rinsing procedure with the coffee in the mug.”
“Oh!” Tsk’cht burst out in relief, “he didn’t mean to-“
“That doesn’t make it better!” Thirty-Five Clicks snapped. “Carelessness and disobedience to regulations is just as dangerous as malice.”
“Well I don’t see that it would be malice-“ Tsk’cht began.
“They knew better!” Thirty-Five Clicks went on, taking to the air in his frustration. “All the rest of the humans burst out laughing when they discovered his mistake and scolded him for breaking lab regulations before I could even bring it up. He just expressed more profanities at them! That’s when I decided to find a species that was more reasonable if not less annoying.”
Thirty-Five clicks caught a perch with his lower talons and hung there breathing heavily. For once he allowed Tsk’cht even more than the polite six seconds for reply.
“You say it was a mistake,” Tsk’cht observed. “But an opaque mug looks nothing like a clear beaker-“
“He reached for it without turning his eyes on it,” Thirty-Five Clicks interjected.
Tsk’cht stared at him as again seconds passed.
“I cannot imagine that Shatar saliva smells anything like coffee –“ he finally offered.
“Human smell isn’t directional,” Thirty-Five Clicks said.
“Sound wouldn’t have been a factor,” Tsk’cht said rubbing his primary gripping legs together at the paws. “But humans rate below only the Undulates for tactile sensitivity. They don’t even rely on sensory hairs. Their skin itself is permeated with sensory nerves, especially at the extremities! How-“
“I don’t know,” Thirty-Five Clicks replied, wrapping himself in his wings, “I just don’t know.”  

She has stood witness to a millennia of human live in a city that has been called the hub of civilization. 
She had already witnessed ten generations of Parisians be born and die when monks carrying flowers in the pockets flung themselves at her alters to pray as the Black Plague stole a third of Europe.
She preserved untold knowledge while the world waited centuries for the printing press. 
She stood at the heart of memory as Europe fell into darkness and then clawed it's way back into the light. 
She watched monarchies, then empires rise and fall. 
She watched the birth of modern warfare as Napoleon marched into Russia and crept back a beaten criminal. 
She grew and expanded as times changed. 
She watched war take to the sky in the War to End All Wars. 
She watched the sky grow dim from smokestacks and then blurred from jet contrails. 
She witnessed the industrial age and the space age. 
She has remembered for us for near on a thousand years. 
​Now the world that she helped to birth must remember her. 

Books are great. Books used to be one of only a few sources of entertainment. Books became popular a long time ago but only became commonly avaliable to the modern world after some dude in Germany invented a book making thingy. Books became cheaper and more avaliable to the masses. Soon however other entertainment mediums began to compete. 
Books have some advantages. They are real. They have pages. They often increase in value over time. They smell like vanilla as they age. 
Books have some disadvantages. They can get wet and moldy. Silverfish like to eat them. So do termites. Books can only be read by one person at a time. Books are fairly expensive to copy. 
Over all most people think that books are a good thing. This author agrees. 
Citation. 
Citation.
​Citation. 

Spring is back. The medicinal herbs are leafing out next to the cabin and the deep thrumming of the humming birds had returned. 
On a side note does anyone else have a chest cavity that resonates with humming bird wingbeats? Just me? 
Well when we think of our feathered friends we think of their delicate but powerful pinions or their gleaming red neck feathers. 
BUT
But did you notice? They also have little white butt floofs behind their tiny footsies. 

Humans are Weird – Because


For a species that held the record for the greatest centralized mass of any know sapient humans were sometimes extremely difficult to find. Rolls-slowly pulled out his data unit and pressed it into one of the communications nodes. He sent out the inquisitive hum and again received the negative reply.
“So the human,” Rolls-slowly said to no one in particular, “is on the base-“
“Or at least his data unit is,” offered a passing scientist.
“This world might not be as hostile to them as it is to us,” Rolls-slowly protested, “but Human Friend Steve is very cold sensitive. He would not have left the base.”
“Your only options are to wait for his dedicated nutrient ingestion time and catch him at the commissary node, or search the expanded vessels yourself,” offered a passing researcher.
“I suppose,” Rolls-slowly grumbled as he started swimming briskly along.
He rose against the gravity and nudged against the permeable area. The coral parted and he slipped out into the current that ran through the center of the vessels used by the human visitors. He drifted with the current, a ridge of appendages raised into the atmosphere to observe the human. He had searched nearly the entire enlarged area before he sensed the taste of a human in the water. He followed the chemical gradient, dropping his appendages to swim more quickly. So he saw the oddly lumpy locomotion appendages the humans used to walk dangling in the water.  Rolls-slowly felt a flicker of nervousness as he realized that the humans scent glands were giving off stress pheromones. He surfaced and climbed up onto the shelf beside the human.
“What? Rolls?” The human’s voice was slurred with nutrient intake  and his skin flushed with stress.
He had quickly dropped his hand back behind his center of mass in an odd gesture.
“Are you well Human Friend Steve?” Rolls-slowly asked.
“Well? Sure! Yeah! I’m great!” Human Friend Steve replied.
His lips peeled back revealing his broad, coral-like teeth. The gesture also drew Rolls-slowly’s attention to the biomatter smeared across the human’s lips.
“Very well,” Rolls-slowly replied. “There is something on your face.”
“What?”
 Human Friend Steve’s hand came up from behind him to brush at his face. Rolls-slowly noted the object clutched in the human’s hands.
“Human Friend Steve,” Rolls-slowly said in surprise. “I thought you had a negative reaction to foods bearing bovine lactate protein.”
Human Friend Steve’s eyes twitched and various shades of irritation and shame washed up and down his face.
“I am,” he finally said with a long exvent of his lungs.
“Why are you ingesting something you know will harm you?” Rolls-slowly asked in shock.
Human Friend Steve fixed his eyes on Rolls-slowly without blinking as defiance flushed across his skin. He deliberately lifted the nutrient solid to his lips, placed it in his mouth, and took a bite. He slowly masticated the nutrients and then swallowed. When he finally replied his voice was already husky with a buildup of protective mucus.
“Because.” 

Your regularly scheduled posting is delayed because Travel Oregon is at it again. I think it really says something about their depiction (and the reality) of Oregon that the cafe scene filled with mythical creatures only made me think.
"I've been there and the other patrons were way weirder than that." 
Also we now have the identity and location of the jerk responsible for Daylight Savings Time. I propose a road trip with explosives!