Humans are Weird – Provocation


“So, those are the infamous seal-snakes,” Ranger Belts observed as he stood on his hind-paws and gripped the middle bar of the safety rail in his fore-claws.
The salt spray from the icy water tickled his nostrils and he had to force himself to keep his nostril slits open. The smell was strange, alien. Dead marine flesh was perhaps the only discernible odor and even that was different from what he was used to back home. Theoretically he should recognize the scent of the algae that covered every damp surface of the land and seabed, but even a hatchling knew that a sample in the lab wouldn’t smell the same as even the exact species in a wild environment. He blinked his inner eyelids to clear his vision and stared out at the writhing mass of golden life that had taken over what was originally meant to be this station’s primary water surface level boat dock. The air was full of their soft murmuring vocalizations.
“Yup,” Ranger Darryl stated from where he had crossed those preposterously long human fore-limbs over the topmost bar of the safety rail.
Ranger Belts leaned companionably into the mass of his partner’s thigh so he could swish his tail thoughtfully as they examined the infestation. Elder seal-snakes, their long ragged fur bright with decades of symbiotic algae growth poked out of the mass at intervals. Individual eyes open, nearly completely silver with age. Ranger Belts knew from research that their thick coils would make up most of the pile. Breeding age females, their fur glowing bright golden formed the next layer, distinguishable from the males only because of the patchiness of their fur. The sleek, smaller breeding age males writhed lazily over the top of the females in the hot noonday sun. Around the dock the water teemed with young seal snakes darting about in what any species could identify as play behavior.
“This would be downright delightful if they hadn't commandeered our dock,” Ranger Belts said ruefully. “Even with human lifting and gripping capability, loading and unloading the research equipment must be difficult with so little machinery on this world.”
“It’s a pain,” Ranger Darryl replied.
Ranger Belts waited for some exposition to this comment, but his companion seemed to have completed his reply at least to his own satisfaction. The reptilian ranger started mulling over the words but had made little progress when the human suddenly altered his position, forcing Ranger Belts to drop his own tail for balance. Above him the humans broad chest expanded and then emitted a honking hiss. Ranger Belts was trying to figure out if this was human speech, or what the human thought was reptilian speech when the dock in front of them suddenly erupted in chaos. Every one of the seal-snakes uncoiled and began writhing over the dock. The sleek young males flopped off to the side yelping. The patchy females began honk-hissing in turn and than began biting at each other with quick snatching movements. The elders raised their heads meters above the docks on long swaying stocks, honk-hissing in deep, nearly booming disapproval.
Ranger Belts glanced between the now laughing human and the chaos he had initiated on the dock. However instead of offering any explanation the human turned and strolled back up the ramp to the main laboratory. Ranger Belts licked his eyes one more time and then dropped to all fours as he followed after. Somehow, starting a seal-snake riot was amusing to the human. That was, interesting information about the sole other sapient inhabitant of this island.  

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Hey! The books are moving well on Amazon and now have 300 reviews and ratings! If you bought the book and enjoyed it, it would really help me out if you leave a quick star rating on Amazon. A review would be great but just stars would be a huge boost *****!
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QUICK NOTE: RE: everyone who asked. The book is avaliable in Amazon regions US-UK-DE-FR-ES-IT-NL-JP-BR-CA-MX-AU-IN. HOWEVER The above link only takes you to the US Amazon site. The one indicated by the .com ending. If it says "not avaliable in your country" that just means that you need to click over to your Amazon region.


Of course if you want a signed first edition you can email me at the email on my website and I can ship you a signed Author copy of the first edition until I run out of first run books.
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 Humans are Weird – Biscuits Recipes


Embracesgladly was carefully maintaining her grip on Human Friend Maria as they moved down the corridor of the dry cave system. The lights pained on the ceiling to provide a near surface level of luminosity were just turning orange as somewhere, und upon und of solid rock above them the barren surface of the planet turned away from its harsh, near star. Again the human’s hormone profile changed, grew past the point on the gradient the Undulate had learned to recognize. Mindfully Embracesgladly loosed a gripping appendage to ‘pat’ Human Friend Maria’s main gripping appendage. Human Friend Maria returned the gesture by applying gentle pressure with the full area of her gripping surface to where it cradled Embracesgladly’s mass.
Human Friend Maria’s massive central atmosphere pumps took on a more mechanical rhythm as she shifted from passive to active control of her oxygen exchange and by the time they had reached Human Friend Maria’s habsuite, carved into the glittering granite of the world, the human’s pheromone gradient had begun to shift back into a less abnormal range. The massive mammal paused in front of her door and drew in a deep breath.
“See you tomorrow eh Hugs?” Human Friend Maria said, her voice still sounding a bit weak as it rumbled out of her chest and though the air.
“Unless you would like a sleeping companion,” Embracesgladly offered.
Human Friend Maria’s fibers stiffened and her stripes flushed with various emotions. Embracesgladly was pained to note that there wasn’t a little offense in the mix and when Human Friend Maria spoke her voice was carefully controlled into recognizably cheerful tones.
“No! I’m good. You shuffle on back to your habsuite.”
“Very well!” Embracesgladly tried to put as much cheer in her own voice. “If you need anything in the night remember your door is right beside the waterlock!”
She made a broad gesture down at the shimmering blue hatch and scrambled down Human Friend Maria’s side when the human’s usually powerful arms went limp and released her. The human maintained her stiff, upright posture until her door had opened and the massive mammal disappeared though it. However Embracesgladly felt the thump of the human slumping against the wall before dragging her massive bipedal frame towards the human sized hydration pool.
That was one perk of this world, Embracesgladly mused. There was always plentiful water of the temperature the humans thrived in. She slipped down into the wet corridor and swam slowly towards the medical pod. She pulled herself up into the rapidly darkening medical bay and spread her appendages to get her bearings.
Human Friend John lay on one of the human slabs, emitting a rhythmic sound. The absolutely massive – even for a human – mammal had been complaining of sleep issues and was no doubt here to make sure he wasn’t suffocating in the night as (supposedly) many humans did. However he was soundly asleep by the dim glow of his stripes and the bases chief medic was quietly sorting expired medical patches by an Undulate sized soaking tank the humans kept about two unds above the floor to decontaminate their hands.
“Swim over!” Medic Lurchesover waved to her.
Embracesgladly came to him and started helping with the sorting.
“How goes your personal assignment?” he asked with his dorsal appendages even as he ventral appendages continued to sort.
“It is working,” Embracesgladly responded slowly. “I do feel that I am doing her good.”
“Despite her best efforts?” Medic Lurchesover prodded gently.
“She is participating as best she can,” Embracesgladly replied quickly. “But she does resent needing help.”
“Can you sound that that is actually a common human reaction?” Medic Lurchesover demanded with a particularly wide gesture of his dorsal appendages.
“It does not seem to flow with reality,” Embracesgladly admitted as she felt the surface of a questionable patch. “I just am trying to swim towards my best efforts.”
For several companionable moments they sorted the patches while Medic Lurchesover mulled over her half request-half observation. Finally he set down his patches.
“Have you attention-attention-attention indefinitely?” he asked, emitting a rippling overtone along with the gestures.
Embracesgladly set down her own patches and absorbed his meaning in stillness for several moments.
“I am sorry,” she finally said. “I simply cannot sound how repeated attention touches is anything but a petty annoyance? Are you suggesting I overwhelm her biochemistry induces paranoia with genuine irritation adrenaline?”
Medic Lurchesover rippled with amused understanding.
“It is very confusing to us, I sound,” he gestured in soothing swoops. “You are wise to not simply try it on an emotionally compromised patient.”
“She is my friend, not my patient,” Embracesgladly corrected him. “I have no medical training.”
“Well!” Medic Lurchesover stated as he resumed his sorting. “Why don’t you go try it out on Human Friend John and see how he responds? That should clear the waters!”
Embracesgently waved a speculative appendage cluster in the direction of the massive human who had shifted from a rhythmic to a stuttering and gurgling sound profile.
“I am not a medic,” she gestured slowly, “but are there not issues of consent?”
“Oh, John waived all those consent bits to help with the training,” Medic Lurchesover replied as he dropped a torn patch into the waste bin.
“Isn’t he in the middle of a medical test?” she pressed.
“That he failed hours ago,” Medic Lurchesover said. “You’ll be doing him a favor if you wake him. Remember to do the sound now.”
Embracesgently wasn’t quite firm in the strokes of the thing, but waiving his medical consent to save time and help out did seem like something Human Friend John would do, even if it was, rather especially if it was of questionable legality. So she shuffled across to his slab and with some effort climbed up beside him.
“You need to be on a flat surface,” Medic Lurchesover gestured. “Chest, back, or lap.”
She obediently climbed up on Human Friend John’s wide ribcage, noting again the dark irregularities of scars that intersected his stripes at odd angles.
“Like this?” she asked as she began gently tapping out the words for attention on the central bony structure that supported his internal frame.
“Slower, and don’t forget the sound,” Medic Lurchesover instructed.
Embracesgently slowed her gestured and tried to mimic the sound Medic Lurchesover had been making. It was rather difficult, especially out of water, though she found that if she pulsed the waves from her own surface down into the cavity of Human Friend John’s chest she got better results. As she expected Human Friend John woke at the attention. The sounds he was making cut off with a gurgle and his lights brightened as his eyelids flickered open. He spent several long moments blinking as his bifocal eyes brought the Undulate on his chest into resolution.
Embracesgently continued the supposed soothing method, and despite Medic Lurchesover’s assurance was surprised to see the humans colors rippled as his tension dropped. His face finally stretched into a grin and one massive gripping appendage came up and patted Embracesgently in a soothing human greeting.
“Daw!” the human rumbled out. “Someone’s makin biscuits!”
His face split open in a cavernous yawn and he slumped back, now with contented light radiating out from his stripes. Embracesgently continued her actions until the dimming of his lights showed he was deeply asleep and then eased off the human and his slab. Medic Lurchesover looked rather smug from the set of his appendages but she could afford to be generous. If Human Friend Maria responded to the odd comfort gesture even an appendage as well as Human Friend John did they should begin the very next morning. Still one question was tickling her lagging appendages.
“What are biscuits?” she asked Medic Lurchesover, “and how does this gesture resemble making them?”
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What does it mean when your human friend says “Watch This?”? Why does this simple phrase seem to terrify any alien that has first appendage experience with humans? #HFY #HumansAreWeird #HumansAreSpaceOrcs #EarthIsADeathWorld #EarthIsSpaceAustralia


Hey! The books are moving well on Amazon and now have 300 reviews and ratings! If you bought the book and enjoyed it, it would really help me out if you leave a quick star rating on Amazon. A review would be great but just stars would be a huge boost *****!
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QUICK NOTE: RE: everyone who asked. The book is avaliable in Amazon regions US-UK-DE-FR-ES-IT-NL-JP-BR-CA-MX-AU-IN. HOWEVER The above link only takes you to the US Amazon site. The one indicated by the .com ending. If it says "not avaliable in your country" that just means that you need to click over to your Amazon region.


Of course if you want a signed first edition you can email me at the email on my website and I can ship you a signed Author copy of the first edition until I run out of first run books.
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 Humans are Weird – No Time To Explain


“It was integrating the humans,” Wing Commander Six Clicks stated in flat tones as the wing medic gently daubed sealing gel on his exposed horn core.
The confused rustle of horrified gasps that shook the young pseud-wings around his was a satisfactory balm in of itself. The inevitable nausea and confusion resulting from loosing a sensory horn cover, not to mention the embarrassment at your medic insisting you submit as a case study for dozens of overeager young medics was certainly a set of downdrafts that could send you spiraling. Wing Commander Six Clicks saw no reason not to season the bite of the day with a little amusing hyperbole; especially given that humans never seemed to mind the implication that they were agents of chaos. His medic seemed to have other ideas and have his exposed sensory horn core a pinch.
“Don’t listen to his nonsense!” Wing Medic Eight Trills snapped as he squeezed a bit more sealing gel out of the applicator. “I can hear exactly what you are all thinking! No human grabbed him and his horn wasn’t knocked off! The outer sheath fell off because this ratty-winged idiot refuses to take sufficient strontium supplements!”
“Also he doesn’t rub his horns near enough,” Second Medic Tenth Click said sternly, holding up a polishing rag and glaring accusingly at the gathered students.
There was a minor rustling of unease and Wing Commander Six Clicks felt a breeze of gratitude for the younger medic deflecting some of the attention away from his bad habits. However the mood of the group shifted again as their collective attention turned to something he couldn’t quite sound to the northwest. It was just a moment of curiosity on the fringe of the psudo-wing at first. These class groups wings were usually more than friendly, but they lacked the coherent responses of a true wing. As was normal it took some time for a clear consensus to build in the body language of the wing and when it did it was simple perplexity.
“What has got you all looking that way?” Wing Commander Six Clicks demanded, trying to peek over the forest of budding young sensory horns.
Young Winged aspiring to be medics generally tended larger than average as being able to carry an injured comrade in flight was considered a requirement. However Wing Commander Six Clicks earned only another pinch from the very much not distracted Wing Medic.
“Undulates,” came the first draft of the response.
“Lots of them.”
“Coming from an odd vector.”
“Seem to be headed for the main stream.”
“Nothing the way they came from but an empty flight space.”
“Good angle to swoop round to the quad.”
“Sometimes you can surprise a human and make them jump.”
“Looks like most of the pilot class Undulates.”
“There’s Searchesstoutly.”
“Something funny happened.”
“Yes, quite amused-”
“Confused too-”
“Three Trills!” Wing Medic Eight Trills snapped out as he winghooked the Wing Commander’s head down into a more accessible position. “Clearly none of you are going to be able to focus until you figure out what is going on! Take the six of you with the deepest voices and figure out what those lumbering swimmers are doing out of the water and in some random corner of the base.”
The assigned Winged swept off eagerly and spent several minutes chattering in the low tones necessary to get the Undulates attention. They swept back noses twitching in amusement.
“Well?” Wing Commander Six Clicks demanded when they returned.
“Humans!”
A chorus of amused chittering followed this pronouncement.
The eldest of the group waved a wing for silence.
“They are a pod of Survey Core Ranger Pilots!” their speaker announced, not entirely able to keep an unprofessional chirp out of his voice. “They were sunning in the quad with several human friends when one of the mechanic flow humans came running up from one of the buildings. He snatched up Cadet Rollswithstops and declared-”
Here even the chosen speaker broke down in amused chittering and had to vigorously rub his winghooks over his face to compose himself. One of the others stepped forward and mimicked the lumbering tread of the giant bipeds. The actor made a gesture of stooping and snatching up an Undulate, and then lifted his chin in a very human gesture.
“No time to explain! Grab a cuddle-mop-friend and follow me!”
The actor then proceeded to mimic the loping human movement called running.
“Then!” the original speaker broke back in. “All the humans looked at each other in confusion, but something like half of them just obeyed. They snatched up the remaining Undulates and followed the mechanic flow cadet!”
“He led them around to that blind corner!” The second broke in, indicating the place with a wave of his wing.
“And then he just his Undulate down, thanked them with a serious face, and strode off!”
The actor demonstrated the striding.
“The Undulates say the rest of the humans just stood there staring at each other in confusion until one of them remembered to apologize for snatching them.”
Another amused chitter.
“You know how Undulates are,” the speaker said laying his ears back in mild exasperation. “They aren’t going to question any kind of sudden physical attention in a lounging time. The humans offered to carry them back to the stream and some accepted but those decided to take a shortcut to their next class.”
He waved a wing at the pod of Undulates who were humping their way quickly towards a not too distant stream. The psudo-wing of medics broke into a delighted chatter that seemed to be swirling around human flight movement psychology and some historic rivalry between pilot and mechanic flow specialists. Wing Commander Six Clicks turned on his chief medic and wrinkled his nose flares in triumph.
“And you doubted that the humans were responsible for this!” He declared, indicating the missing sensory-horn sheath.
“I’m not denying that stress responses are a factor,” the medic snapped. “But if you took proper care of yourself no amount of human mischief would be able to touch you!”
“You heard your teacher!” The wing commander declared! “Rubbing your horns prevents social kidnapping!”
The extra pinch to his horn was worth the wave of amused chittering that got him.  
​Please go and leave a new rating and review on my 3rd book! 
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What does it mean when your human friend says “Watch This?”? Why does this simple phrase seem to terrify any alien that has first appendage experience with humans? #HFY #HumansAreWeird #HumansAreSpaceOrcs #EarthIsADeathWorld #EarthIsSpaceAustralia


Hey! The books are moving well on Amazon and now have 300 reviews and ratings! If you bought the book and enjoyed it, it would really help me out if you leave a quick star rating on Amazon. A review would be great but just stars would be a huge boost *****!
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QUICK NOTE: RE: everyone who asked. The book is avaliable in Amazon regions US-UK-DE-FR-ES-IT-NL-JP-BR-CA-MX-AU-IN. HOWEVER The above link only takes you to the US Amazon site. The one indicated by the .com ending. If it says "not avaliable in your country" that just means that you need to click over to your Amazon region.


Of course if you want a signed first edition you can email me at the email on my website and I can ship you a signed Author copy of the first edition until I run out of first run books.
AMAZON

 Humans are Weird – Diminishing Returns


“Come now Human Friend Kia!” Writhesoften called out as she threw herself into the next body of water.
The sullen mutter the massive mammal gave in response didn’t quite translate from the air to the water. Writhesoften pulsed out a good swimming pace and thrust several appendages above the surface even as her down thrusting appendages brushed the algae like plants that grew from the bottom of the marsh. Her vision of the human clarified and she watched in bemusement as Human Friend Kia lowered one of her massive appendages into the biota rich water of the marsh.
Human Friend Kia had absolutely insisted that she wasn’t afraid of the alien life that the marshes teamed with.
“I grew up back in the bayou,” she had insisted, angling her head in a human expression of defiance. “Not one of those artificially restored bayous either! Mamma’s people had a shack back in there since before we was keeping records! I ain’t feard of no murk!”
The human had then suddenly startled and then rapidly sent gurgling noises through the mystery system of tubes that took up a large portion of her bio mass. This seemed to compose her body language and she sat is a far calmer and more formal position.
“I have no concern over the local biota load,” Human Friend Kia had assured her. “I am simply used to a less extreme temperature gradient. I will adjust with time, I simply want to put of getting completely soaked as long as possible.”
The human certainly had, Writhesoften mused as she watched Human Friend Kia finally ease one leg and then the other down into the marsh. Human Friend Kia’s whole body shuddered as the water sloshed over the protective lip of her boot protection and, presumably began soaking her outer membrane. Writhesoften calculated the amount of time it was going to cost them for Human Friend Kia to cross each marsh at the ginger pace she was showing and tried to dismiss the feeling of annoyance her calculations generated. Human Friend Kia was more than valuable enough to make up for any inadequacy in marsh hopping.
“Come on now!” Writhesoften called out cheerfully. “We are almost to the next collection point!”
Writhesoften let herself dip below the surface and struck out for the best depth for optimum speed. They reached the next mound, a truly impressive spire that reached up out of the water to tower even over the human, well behind her initial projections and Writhesoften had to fight bag the urge to groan as she noted the time. However Human Friend Kia scooped her up and held her to the observation platform (that would be almost submerged at high water) and Writhesoften again balanced her usefulness against the lost speed. Not to mention her primary function of fending off the largest of the reptilian predators. Baby-gators, Human Friend Kia called them. It had taken some convincing to get her to postpone domestication attempts on the dangerous species.
Writhesoften noted the signs of decreased activity of the spire’s inhabitants and creators alike and then tapped Human Friend Kia to be let down. They set out across the remainder of the marsh surrounding the spire. On the other side there was something of a ledge to get over to get out of the marsh and Writhesoften found it somewhat tricky to climb out. She even had to provide Human Friend Kia leverage to get over the slippery bank. Human Friend Kia reciprocate by carrying her across the grassy overland. To Writhesoften’s surprise, instead of pausing at the edge and easing in one leg at a time as she had done before (it had been Writhesoften’s plan to dismount during this pause) Human Friend Kia stepped into the water without breaking her original stride until the greater viscosity of the water and grasses forcible slowed her.
“Pardon me Human Friend Kia,” Writhesoften called out, prodding her to get her attention. “Isn’t this marsh the same temperature as the last?”
Human Friend Kia glanced down at her with a rueful twist to her face.
“Told’ja,” she said falling back into what Writhesoften presumed was her mother accent, “I ain’t feard of no swamp juice. It was just a little chilly.”
“But this is the same temperature!” Writhesoften insisted, fighting the feeling that they were having two different conversations.
“Yeah,” the human admitted, bobbing her head up and down in time to her steps, “but I’m all soaked already now. Doesn’t matter.”
Writhesoften tried to parse that, and then gave up as they approached the next spire. She would take her invertebrate observations now, and offer these human observations to the physio-psychologist back at base. There was no way she was understanding why a human grew less reluctant to get in water the wetter they already were.  


​Please go and leave a new rating and review on my 3rd book! 
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What does it mean when your human friend says “Watch This?”? Why does this simple phrase seem to terrify any alien that has first appendage experience with humans? #HFY #HumansAreWeird #HumansAreSpaceOrcs #EarthIsADeathWorld #EarthIsSpaceAustralia


Hey! The books are moving well on Amazon and now have 300 reviews and ratings! If you bought the book and enjoyed it, it would really help me out if you leave a quick star rating on Amazon. A review would be great but just stars would be a huge boost *****!
​

QUICK NOTE: RE: everyone who asked. The book is avaliable in Amazon regions US-UK-DE-FR-ES-IT-NL-JP-BR-CA-MX-AU-IN. HOWEVER The above link only takes you to the US Amazon site. The one indicated by the .com ending. If it says "not avaliable in your country" that just means that you need to click over to your Amazon region.


Of course if you want a signed first edition you can email me at the email on my website and I can ship you a signed Author copy of the first edition until I run out of first run books.
AMAZON