Humans are Weird – Tooth Poke


Forty-fifth Click fluttered into the general recreation area, utterly exhausted and glanced around for a friendly perch. The majority of the humans were still just staggering into the room themselves and their bodies were radiating waves of heat. Even if they were in the mood for a companionable snuggle getting too close to them before they cooled down would no doubt smother him.
Forty-fifth Click idly hovered in the air, rotating his awareness around the massive space. Of course he could always just flutter up to one of the cooling perches by the vents. More than a few of his wing were already hanging limp with wings extended, letting the ambient flow of air from the room steel away the heat of the day gathered in their joints. The retaliative solitude of that just didn’t appeal to him somehow.
An odd crunching sound made his ears twitch and he glanced over to the cold fireplace surrounded by human couches. Sargent Holt was sitting with one leg propped up, the extremity of the trunk-like limb swathed in bandages. Forty-fifth Click gave a happy chirp and glided down to the human. He took a deep breath and forced his voice down into the booming tones necessary to communicate with most mature humans.
“Sargent Holt!” He called out. “Would you care for a companion?”
The human glanced around in confusion for a moment and Forty-fifth Click waited impatiently for the massive mammal’s attention to shift. The regulation books were very, very clear about not landing on a human without their awareness. Eventually Sargent Holt located him and flashed his teeth in a grin.
“Sure!” the human said. “And which little cactus-biter are you?”
“I am Forty-fifth Click,” he replied, feeling more than a touch offended.
Not nearly offended enough to pass up a perch on the cool shoulder of the stationary human’s uniform. Forty-fifth Click dug his talons into the sturdy material of the uniform’s shoulder with a contented sigh and fluffed his fur out in preparation for a good groom. It was rather annoying that human teeth and talons were so useless for mutual grooming. Forty-fifth Click had seen human talons that tapered to useful points, extending long past the blunt tips of their digits, but he eyes Sargent Holt’s rough, short talons with a regretful sigh.
Sargent Holt turned his attention back to the main screen, which was displaying some Shatar program. A First Grandfather was overseeing a competition of some sort related to getting a vine species to produce the most cover in a low light environment. It was mildly interesting to Forty-fifth Click but Sargent Holt seemed fascinated from the way his bifocal eyes locked onto the screen. Forty-fifth Click was more interested in what Sargent Holt was doing with his hands. The massive appendages were resting beside Holt’s main mass, a perfectly reasonable distance away given the ambient heat even in the recreation area. That aspect made perfect sense. Then, at some indefinable signal his larger, dominant hand would rise at an impossibly slow rate and creep towards a large bowl that was sitting beside the human. Meanwhile the human’s eyes remained fixed on the competition on the screen. The hand would brush the side of the bowl, correct vectors at the touch, and then angle into the bowl to painfully slowly grasp a small number of detonated grain kernels in the very tips of the fingers. With the same slow movements Sargent Holt would raise the kernels to his mouth and insert them into the gaping cavity. Then his jaw would compress, causing the crunching sound that had first attracted Forty-fifth Click’s attention.
It was fascinating. Forty-fifth Click never took his eyes or ears off the behavior even as he fluffed his fur, picked the grit out from under his talons, and carefully transferred oils from his fur to his dry wings. Sometime around when his wings were about half done Forty-fifth Click noted a change in the pattern. There was a time break between kernel collection and Sargent Holt seemed to be prodding at his teeth with his thick tongue by the way his cheeks bulged. This continued across several kernel collection cycles and Forty-fifth Click watched with growing fascination as the humans expression grew more concerned. Eventually the human ceased collecting new kernels and thrust a finger, not the longest one, into his mouth as if attempting to find something.
Finished with his own groom Forty-fifth Click focused on the human.
“Are you in distress Sargent Holt?” he asked.
“Nah,” the human muttered, not taking his eyes off the screen, even as his finger probed at his teeth. “Not really, just got a bee’s wing stuck in my teeth and can’t get it out.”
“I will assist!” Forty-fifth Click asserted, feeling a thermal of benevolence.
The human didn’t respond. They were rather slow when resting, Forty-fifth Click mused as he darted up to Sargent Holt’s chin and stuck his head into the cavernous mouth. All thirty-two of the pillar like teeth were even spaced and the tongue pressed down to give him room. Although Sargent Holt was making an odd noise from the fleshy folds as the back of his throat Forty-fifth Click ignored it. He spotted the trapped kernel element, a thin, translucent membrane that had slipped between the human’s gums and his tooth Forty-fifth Click winced in sympathy. That had to be uncomfortable. He slipped a winghook in beside his head and quickly removed the amber membrane. He popped out of the human’s mouth and held it up triumphantly.
To his shock Sargent Holt jerked his head back and swatted him away from his face. Forty-fifth Click took to the are and watched with confusion as the human pawed at his extended tongue while cursing fluently. Unease settled with the dampness that had collected on Forty-fifth Click’s horns from the human’s mouth. Sargent Holt stopped pawing at his tongue and glared up at Forty-fifth Click.
“What the flying-” the human visible cut himself off. “What was that?”
Forty-fifth Click held up the small amber membrane.
“I was helping you groom,” he said.
He tried to keep the offense out of his voice. The human glared at him for a long moment and Forty-fifth Click forced himself to remain silent. Humans didn’t need quite as much time to collect themselves as the Trisk did, but when surprised, as Holt clearly was, they did prefer to be left quiet to think.
“So you climbed into my mouth?” Sargent Holt finely demanded.
“That is where the grooming need was,” Forty-fifth Click sated, and he couldn’t quite keep a defensive bite out of his voice.
What was the human’s problem?
Sargent Holt heaved a huge sigh and rubbed his hand over his face.
“Stay out of my mouth,” he said. “That’s a hard rule, got it?”
“I understand that it is a rule,” Forty-fifth Click said with cautious slowness.
The human sighed and waved him back down to his shoulder.
“I didn’t hurt you when I batted you off my face?” he asked in a tired tone.
“No, you did not,” Forty-fifth Click replied as he retook his place.
The human returned his attention to the screen and grunted in reply. Forty-fifth Click perched and began cleaning his sensory horns as he pondered who would most likely have an explanation for this behavior. 

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Hey! The books are moving well on Amazon and now have 300 reviews and ratings! If you bought the book and enjoyed it, it would really help me out if you leave a quick star rating on Amazon. A review would be great but just stars would be a huge boost *****!
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QUICK NOTE: RE: everyone who asked. The book is avaliable in Amazon regions US-UK-DE-FR-ES-IT-NL-JP-BR-CA-MX-AU-IN. HOWEVER The above link only takes you to the US Amazon site. The one indicated by the .com ending. If it says "not avaliable in your country" that just means that you need to click over to your Amazon region.


Of course if you want a signed first edition you can email me at the email on my website and I can ship you a signed Author copy of the first edition until I run out of first run books.
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 Humans are Weird – Demon


The low slung couch in the command office wasn’t the most comfortable perch in the base, but the general homey ambiance of the place certainly made up for it Subcommander Grist mused as he munched contentedly on a loaf of perfectly aged bread. Commander Pulp was just getting to the best of the gossip. The really fermented stuff about the breeding, or non-breeding pairs in the settlement colony. Subcommander Grist kept one ear on that while his eyes roamed contentedly over the paw-wound sheaves of grain that lined the walls in artistic patterns. The main lights were turned down to mimic the night cycle rapidly falling outside, revealing artfully placed fleck-lights glowing green in mimicry of their home world’s bio-luminescent insects. While the rest of the base needed to be comfortable for a ranger of species. This space Commander Pulp did, and could make comfortable for their own reptilian tastes.
Adding to the whiff of home was simply the friendly, non-technical conversation. It wasn’t often that SubCommander Grist and Commander Pulp had a chance to really ease down on their scutes and just grind out the mill together. The whole point of having a subcommander on an agricultural research base was so that the hybrid science-art of extracting food from alien soils could continue without pausing for sleep. Therefore their shifts were very deliberately opposed. In order to have any socialization time at all they needed to carefully schedule it. So now they sprawled, each on a reasonably comfortable perch, in a perfectly comfortable room.
“She is hardly one to talk about over guarding ones nest!” Commander Pulp was saying with relish. “Her husband-”
The comfort of the night was suddenly disturbed by a muted thump on the wall and Subcommander Grist lifted his snout, half the loaf bulging out of the side of his face. Commander Pulp stopped his story and flicked his tongue uneasily in the direction the sound had come from.
“Is there any reason for a random thump in a well populated base to be that disturbing?” he asked.
Subcommander Grist gave a groan around his loaf and gingerly extracted his teeth from it, carefully pushed it out of his mouth with his tongue, and placed in on its tray.
“Not in the least,” he said as he regretfully slipped off of his reasonably comfortable couch. “It might be any number of things. There is no reason to assume it is a problem.”
“No, no,” Commander Pulp sighed out, joining him on the floor. “You are just coming off shift and I am not a complete hatchling now. Let me.”
However Subcommander Grist still followed him out into the corridor. Another faint thump came and neither was particularly surprised when they traced it to Grime’s room. They trotted towards the humans door, it might be an emergency, but was probably not and paused uncertain if they should enter. The two sounds of movement suggested the human was awake, but they had long since learned the folly of making assumptions. Commander Pulp dropped his snout and sniffed delicately at the base of the door.
“So do we have enough evidence of a problem to invade his privacy,” Subcommander Grist mused aloud.
Commander Pulp lifted his snout with a sigh.
“We have two gas bubbles in our main guts,” he said.
Subcommander Grist was about to reply when a truly scale warping sound came from the room. It was something of a groan, something of human speech, and something of a gurgle. Commander Pulp’s eyes went back as his pupils dilated and he literally threw himself against the door. It swished open and the rushed in to find Grimes’s lanky human form contorted on his bed. His face was slack but the whites were clearly visible and his pupils were dilated. The arm under his body was thrust out towards where he was looking, and the other was behind his back against the wall. His throat contracted and he gave another of those awful sounds.
Commander Pulp rushed forward to offer what help he could to the human and Subcommander Grist darted over to the space the human was looking at. He scented the air, felt the temperature, and pawed a the wall, but there was nothing there to attract the human’s attention. Still he felt his tail twitch uneasily. This was hardly the first time someone had witnessed Grimes acting as if he could see things that they couldn’t
“-thou behind me!”
The wordless sounds of the human suddenly burst into clarity and the human sat up gasping. Commander Pulp would have been thrown to the floor had Grimes not instinctively snatched out with his free arm and pulled the commander to his scuteless chest. Subcommander Grist slowly approached the clearly stressed human, wondering when it would be polite to speak. The human’s eyes were darting around the room frantically as he clutched the commander. Commander Pulp was murmuring soft soothing grumbles and gently patting the human’s thigh with his tail.
“Where did it go?” Grimes finally demanded.
“Give me more data,” Subcommander Grist demanded, so the human had been perceiving something after all. “I wasn’t able to detect anything. What was it?”
“I,” Grimes gasped out. “I didn’t see it clearly. Shadowy-”
“That is logical,” Commander Pulp murmured. “It was very dark in this room.”
“Tall,” Grimes gasped out. “It was tall but, hunched over.”
“So it was bipedal?” Subcommander Grist demanded.
Grimes looked at him for the first time and nodded slowly. The human shifted in the bed and grasped Commander Pulp with both arms as his breathing slowed.
“Six limbs,” he muttered. “Bipedal, two arms, so long, they dragged down. Wings, dark wings. I, it had no face. I couldn’t see the face. Claws. It was hostile.”
“What hostile actions did it take?” Commander Pulp asked, his tail twitching with concern.
Subcommander Grimes understood that gesture. A hostile being loose on the base capable of hiding from at least their senses was a terrifying matter.
“It, just stood there,” Grimes breathed. “I couldn’t move. It didn’t let me move.”
“How did you know it was hostile then?” Commander Pulp asked.
“I could, I could feel it,” Grimes breathed.
The human suddenly started and glanced down at the commander. His soft mammalian skin flushed and he muttered an apology as he set the commander down on the floor.
“Subcommander Grist,” Commander Pulp said, “go alert the large predator security that we might have some sort of … psychokenetic, telepathic predator loose on the base.”
Grimes gave a weak laugh.
“It sounds,” he glanced fearfully at that spot on the wall. “It sounds crazy when you put it like that.”
Commander Pulp spun on him with a fierce glint in his eye.
“It might have been a product of your mind,” he agreed. “But I just witnessed you, wide awake and utterly paralyzed reacting to something. This at the very least bears investigation.”
The human’s face twisted up into a weak smile at that and Subcommander Grimes trotted out, fully understanding the subtext of Commander Pulp’s orders. Yes, he was going to bring Doctor Drawing into the matter, this might very well be a mental quirk of the giant mammals. However the chances that such a primal reaction as they had just witnessed was not rooted in something very real and physical were slim, more than slim enough to warrant setting the base security cameras to a wider range of detection.

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Hey! The books are moving well on Amazon and now have 300 reviews and ratings! If you bought the book and enjoyed it, it would really help me out if you leave a quick star rating on Amazon. A review would be great but just stars would be a huge boost *****!
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QUICK NOTE: RE: everyone who asked. The book is avaliable in Amazon regions US-UK-DE-FR-ES-IT-NL-JP-BR-CA-MX-AU-IN. HOWEVER The above link only takes you to the US Amazon site. The one indicated by the .com ending. If it says "not avaliable in your country" that just means that you need to click over to your Amazon region.


Of course if you want a signed first edition you can email me at the email on my website and I can ship you a signed Author copy of the first edition until I run out of first run books.
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 Humans are Weird – Connection


Tss’ckckck paused at the door to the massive central socialization area, added to the base specifically with humans in mind and felt his chelicerae twitch in annoyance. Two human voices came from the central couches in smooth rumbling tones. There was a burst of laughter, and the sounds subsided into eager, if angry conversational tones again. Tss’ckckck rubbed his head with his best gripping paw and decided against confronting the humans directly. Instead he turned and headed up the old, comfortably Trisk sized corridor to the central office. Reaching the main door he pushed aside the privacymembrane and stalked in towards the smooth old officer at the desk.
“Commander,” he said in respectful tones.
Commander Chk’k was one of the most senior serving Rangers. His head was nearly smooth from loss of sensory hairs, but his eyes still sparkled with light and his chelicerae still twitched with attention. He angled his body to greet Tss’ckckck and waved a talonless paw.
“Welcome Horticulturalist!” He called out. “What brings you to my office at this time of the solar cycle? Are the night midges giving the crops troubles again.”
“No more than usual,” Tss’ckckck said with a dismissive wave after the polite six seconds. “No, I had a question about the humans.”
“And what is your question?” Commander Chk’k asked.
“Are they not diurnal?” Tss’ckckck asked, letting his legs stiffen in a subtle show of annoyance.
Commander Chk’k’s chelicerae trembled with ill concealed amusement as he shifted his datapad in front of him.
“They are,” he agreed, “for the most part.”
Tss’ckckck got the distinct feeling that he was sorting dust by sized here but went on determinedly.
“Is it not dangerous for them to remain awake and functional this late into the night cycle?” he asked.
Commander Chk’k flexed his paws in a gesture of gentle confirmation and keep his primary eyes focused on Tss’ckckck. The younger ranger girded his joints for the final question.
“Then why have you not ordered Ranger Smith and Ranger Dodge to their hammocks for the night?” Tss’ckckck asked.
Commander Chk’k gave an amused chuckle and gently shifted his datapad on the desk in front of him. Clearly he was gathering his thoughts for a detailed reply and Tss’ckckck felt a gratified glow in his abdomen. He stretched out his stepping paws in a show of comfort and patience.
“You are aware that these two humans in particular have had trouble bonding?” the old commander asked.
Tss’ckckck flexed his own paws in acknowledgment.
“They have not been hostile to each other,” Commander Chk’k said in slow musing tones, “but they have not exchanged a single word outside of purely formal communication since Ranger Dodge arrived.”
There was a long and meaningful pause.
“Until tonight at the end of the recreation shift,” Commander Chk’k finished.
The commander pulled in his paws and titled his body to the side expectantly. Tss’ckckck flexed one paw in conditional understanding.
“They were,” he hesitated as he formed the words, “they seemed agitated, not particularly amicable in their conversation.”
Commander Chk’k heaved a sigh and flexed his paws again as he pulled up some notes.
“The point of common interest they have found,” he said in amused tones. “Is an identical web of rage they share for how a certain fictional story, presented in animation, I believe they call the style? Ended a human generation and a half ago.”
Far, far longer than the socially require six seconds of thought dragged out between them as Tss’ckckck worked that into his gut. Finally he drew a deep breath into his lung.
“They are, bonding, is the human term correct?” he asked.
Commander Chk’k flexed his paws again.
“They are enjoying…” he paused, “enjoying their mutual rage?”
Commander Chk’k positively beamed at him.
“You are learning much about human reactions!” he said.
“They should probably not be disturbed,” Tss’ckckck concluded.
“No,” Commander Chk’k said as a duet of shouting began to vibrate the base.
“I think,” Tss’ckckck said slowly. “The field mites require a few more hours of observation.”
Commander Chk’k simply turned his attention back to his reports.  

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What does it mean when your human friend says “Watch This?”? Why does this simple phrase seem to terrify any alien that has first appendage experience with humans? #HFY #HumansAreWeird #HumansAreSpaceOrcs #EarthIsADeathWorld #EarthIsSpaceAustralia


Hey! The books are moving well on Amazon and now have 300 reviews and ratings! If you bought the book and enjoyed it, it would really help me out if you leave a quick star rating on Amazon. A review would be great but just stars would be a huge boost *****!
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QUICK NOTE: RE: everyone who asked. The book is avaliable in Amazon regions US-UK-DE-FR-ES-IT-NL-JP-BR-CA-MX-AU-IN. HOWEVER The above link only takes you to the US Amazon site. The one indicated by the .com ending. If it says "not avaliable in your country" that just means that you need to click over to your Amazon region.


Of course if you want a signed first edition you can email me at the email on my website and I can ship you a signed Author copy of the first edition until I run out of first run books.
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 Humans are Weird – Poor Judgment


The cold front that had kept all but the heartiest mammals confined to the indoors for the past several weeks had finally passed. The morning had started with a crisp frost but the local star and sent more than enough energy angling thought the upper atmosphere to melt the frost and raise the ambient temperature far enough the crystallization point of water to lure most of the inhabitants out of their warm enclosures. Notes the Passing Changes gingerly eased tendrils up towards where the best interaction pile had been before the cold snap and was pleased to find the vast majority of the biomass still in place. Perhaps it might have digested a little more and released more nutrients; it was a rather delicious mass of orchard leaves and fruit, but there was some free nutrients and more importantly it allowed a cozy nook to observe the humans interacting.
As expected, the young mated pair, Sandy and Pat, Notes the Passing Changes ran their names over memory nodes carefully, were interacting only a few meters from the observation pile. Pat was laying in the ground with his face pressed into a rolled up jacket and Sandy was kneeling on his back articulating one of his limbs. Notes the Passing Changes had just settled his light receptive tendrils as there were no leaf eyes to speak of at this time of the year when Pat let out a howl of pain. Notes the Passing Changes perked up. Human apology rituals were still a significant mystery and this would be a good chance to observe them.
“Suffer ya’ daft man!” Sandy snarled out as she gave her mate’s arm another twist. “Ya’ deserve worse!”
Pat gave a muffled groan into the rolled up coat.
Notes the Passing Changes was, even by the standards of Gathering, a rather slow reacting personality. It had also been presented that interfering in human domestic matters was not usually and advisable course. However given that this assault was happening in a public place Notes the Passing Changes decided to at least attempt an intervention. The first attempt at vocalization came out rather chaotically but it served the attention of getting Sandy’s attention. She ceased articulating Pat’s limbs and glanced around with a grin.
“Ey, Notes!” She called out. “Gettin’ some sun?”
“Don’t stop,” Pat muttered in a weak voice.
“Don’t worry,” Sandy said with a grunt, returning her attention to her mate and readjusting her grip on his limb. “I’ll do you but good.”
Notes the Passing Changes felt some relief at this and took more time to tune up functional vocal chords. Pat gave another groan as Sandy dug an elbow into his ribcage.
“What exactly are you doing to Pat?” Notes the Passing Changes asked.
“Ya ken that storm that blew through last week?” Sandy demanded.
“I recall that,” Notes the Passing Changes agreed, wondering if the question had been miss-framed.
“Dropped a bunch’a branches an’ stuff all over the paths?” she went on with a grunt.
“Yes,” Notes the Passing Changes prompted.
“Well,” she said as she released Pat’s limb and began digging her fingers into his back muscles. “This idiot slipped and sprained his shoulder.”
Pat gave a groan of pain.
“Was the slipping the result of his idiocy?” Notes the Passing Changes asked.
“Nah,” Sandy admitted. “Could’a happened to anyone. He’d ‘a been fine if he’d rested proper.”
“He did not rest proper?” Notes the passing changes asked.”
“Went out yesterday and spent the day clearing more branches,” Sandy said curtly, turning her attention to another portion of Pat’s back. “After he’d been told to rest the arm. Now he can hardly move!”
“Why did Pat do that?” Notes the Passing Changes asked curiously.
“Ask the idiot yourself!” Sandy spat.
“Pat?” Notes the Passing Changes asked.
The human heave a pained sigh.
“Felt guilty about not pulling my own weight,” he muttered.
Notes the Passing Changes digested that and Sandy began vigorously kneading at one of Pat’s muscle groups in what Notes the Passing Changes was beginning to suspect was some form of medical aid.
“Why,” Notes the Passing Changes asked, “did you knowingly take steps that would further injure yourself and extend your recovery time if you were feeling guilty about not contributing enough?”
“Cuz I’m an idiot,” Pat muttered into his coat.
Sandy heaved a sigh and slapped her mates back.
“Now be honest Patty,” she said in a rueful tone. “It was cuz ya were afraid the others would think ya weren’t pulling your own weight. Now roll over and rest on the ice-pack a bit.”
“Might of been,” Pat grudgingly admitted as he obeyed, “just a bit.”
Notes the Passing Changes settled back to digest this in the sun. At the very lest it was reassuring that there was no pair-bond disharmony to worry about. Though Pat’s behavior did still raise concerns of a different sort.
​Please go and leave a new rating and review on my 3rd book! 
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What does it mean when your human friend says “Watch This?”? Why does this simple phrase seem to terrify any alien that has first appendage experience with humans? #HFY #HumansAreWeird #HumansAreSpaceOrcs #EarthIsADeathWorld #EarthIsSpaceAustralia


Hey! The books are moving well on Amazon and now have 300 reviews and ratings! If you bought the book and enjoyed it, it would really help me out if you leave a quick star rating on Amazon. A review would be great but just stars would be a huge boost *****!
​

QUICK NOTE: RE: everyone who asked. The book is avaliable in Amazon regions US-UK-DE-FR-ES-IT-NL-JP-BR-CA-MX-AU-IN. HOWEVER The above link only takes you to the US Amazon site. The one indicated by the .com ending. If it says "not avaliable in your country" that just means that you need to click over to your Amazon region.


Of course if you want a signed first edition you can email me at the email on my website and I can ship you a signed Author copy of the first edition until I run out of first run books.
AMAZON