Humans are Weird – Don't Touch That
“And then the human picked me up and said, no, in that particular way,” Idly Spins said, tightening his tertiary appendages in furious exasperation. “The way that means there is no point in arguing.”
“How rude,” Half-twist replied. “One might almost suspect that we have been collectively conditioning humans to pick us up to cuddle at the slightest provocation or sign of danger.”
“It wasn’t about that,” Idly Sins insisted, tossing his gripping appendages up in frustration. “It wasn’t at all uncomfortable. The point is I wanted that sample. I am a zoologist. That was a zoo!”
“Well the humans have certainly affected your grammar,” Half-twist replied, letting half his appendages droop in amusement. “I must say, it is rather impressive that you can convert sloppy human habits from sound to motion.”
“Again, that is not the point!” Idly Spins insisted. “The human just picked me up and carried me away.”
“From the danger.” Half-twist pointed out.
“From an invisible danger that only he could sound!” Idly Spins growled in frustration. “From a zoo that was a thousandth of my mass, let alone his.”
“From the report it sounded like a reasonable assessment.” Half-twist observed. “A venomous invertebrate is nothing to mess with given how thin our outer membrane is.”
“There was no evidence of venom!” Idly Spins insisted. “We didn’t get nearly close enough for the chemoreceptors to take any readings. The human made that distinction based only on the external colors and patterns. Patterns that I couldn’t discern.”
“Do remember that the Council specifically petitioned for a human crew for this mission,” Half-twist said. “Do you know why?”
“Of course!” Idly Spins replied. “This is a class four survival level planet. We needed a predator to protect us.”
“And that protection extends to perceiving dangers that we cannot,” Half-twist said firmly. “I will not censor the squad mate who was sent out to keep you safe for taking action to keep you safe.”
“But I need that sample!” Idly Spins insisted. “Gathering the native flora is the primary reason we came to this planet. There was no reason for us to hire the humans to protect us if they prevent us from doing our jobs through that protection!”
“Understood,” Half-twist said. “Fortunately the humans have provided a solution to this particular issue.”
“Really?” Idly Spins asked cautiously. “Does this so called solution involve sticking a human in a preposterous battle suit and me getting shoved in a glorified hauling sack with a sad excuse for an appendage extender on it?”
Half-twist curled up his appendages in amusement and began tapping on the screen in front of him.
“Yes, you were with the Scorpion crew weren’t you?” He asked.
“It was supposed to be a scientific expedition,” Idly Spins muttered. “The only data we ended up gathering was on the physiological effects of extended periods of terror on scientists.”
“No, no,” Half-twist told him as the printer began to hum. “This is a remote device. You place it in the suspected environment and passively collect the fauna. The human can drop it off and pick it up while in a defensive armor.”
“Wouldn’t that be subject to degradation?” Idly Spins asked, stiffening his appendages in suspicion.
“Well they don’t use it underwater,” Half-twist replied. “Be warned. Don’t touch the center of the folding area. We had to ship the last tech who did that off to the medical facility on Globual.”
Idly Spins looked at the flat print out with interest and mentally folded it into functionality. He cooed softly in surprise. The third dimensional triangle should be a very effective trap for the invertebrates he was studying. The adhesive center really needed no warning. What sort of idiot would touch that?
“There will be plentiful incidental traps.” Idly Spins muttered as he folded the device into shape.
“That is your issue,” Half-twist said, waving his gripping appendages dismissively. “And I don’t see how having more samples is a bad thing. Does this solve your problem?”
“Not the problem of overprotective humans,” Idly Spins pointed out as he lifted the now complete trap.
“I am sorry,” Half-twist said dropping his appendages in irritation. “But we have a legal policy against discouraging friendly interactions with a species of predators that are forty times our mass on average.”
Idly Spins grumbled as he left the room.
Idly Spins wasn’t grumbling when he returned for more traps several cycles.
“I am not sulking!” He muttered when Half-twist couldn’t quite keep the smug pose out of his appendages.
“The human was right,” Half-twist said cheerfully.
“He was only able to identify the venom and poison level of the samples with eighty percent accuracy.” Idly Spins returned. “It is not a fail proof system.”
“Only eighty percent,” Half-twist observed. “Practically useless.”
“I might be adopting bad human grammar,” Idly Spins growled. “But you are adopting horrible human sarcasm.”
“And then the human picked me up and said, no, in that particular way,” Idly Spins said, tightening his tertiary appendages in furious exasperation. “The way that means there is no point in arguing.”
“How rude,” Half-twist replied. “One might almost suspect that we have been collectively conditioning humans to pick us up to cuddle at the slightest provocation or sign of danger.”
“It wasn’t about that,” Idly Sins insisted, tossing his gripping appendages up in frustration. “It wasn’t at all uncomfortable. The point is I wanted that sample. I am a zoologist. That was a zoo!”
“Well the humans have certainly affected your grammar,” Half-twist replied, letting half his appendages droop in amusement. “I must say, it is rather impressive that you can convert sloppy human habits from sound to motion.”
“Again, that is not the point!” Idly Spins insisted. “The human just picked me up and carried me away.”
“From the danger.” Half-twist pointed out.
“From an invisible danger that only he could sound!” Idly Spins growled in frustration. “From a zoo that was a thousandth of my mass, let alone his.”
“From the report it sounded like a reasonable assessment.” Half-twist observed. “A venomous invertebrate is nothing to mess with given how thin our outer membrane is.”
“There was no evidence of venom!” Idly Spins insisted. “We didn’t get nearly close enough for the chemoreceptors to take any readings. The human made that distinction based only on the external colors and patterns. Patterns that I couldn’t discern.”
“Do remember that the Council specifically petitioned for a human crew for this mission,” Half-twist said. “Do you know why?”
“Of course!” Idly Spins replied. “This is a class four survival level planet. We needed a predator to protect us.”
“And that protection extends to perceiving dangers that we cannot,” Half-twist said firmly. “I will not censor the squad mate who was sent out to keep you safe for taking action to keep you safe.”
“But I need that sample!” Idly Spins insisted. “Gathering the native flora is the primary reason we came to this planet. There was no reason for us to hire the humans to protect us if they prevent us from doing our jobs through that protection!”
“Understood,” Half-twist said. “Fortunately the humans have provided a solution to this particular issue.”
“Really?” Idly Spins asked cautiously. “Does this so called solution involve sticking a human in a preposterous battle suit and me getting shoved in a glorified hauling sack with a sad excuse for an appendage extender on it?”
Half-twist curled up his appendages in amusement and began tapping on the screen in front of him.
“Yes, you were with the Scorpion crew weren’t you?” He asked.
“It was supposed to be a scientific expedition,” Idly Spins muttered. “The only data we ended up gathering was on the physiological effects of extended periods of terror on scientists.”
“No, no,” Half-twist told him as the printer began to hum. “This is a remote device. You place it in the suspected environment and passively collect the fauna. The human can drop it off and pick it up while in a defensive armor.”
“Wouldn’t that be subject to degradation?” Idly Spins asked, stiffening his appendages in suspicion.
“Well they don’t use it underwater,” Half-twist replied. “Be warned. Don’t touch the center of the folding area. We had to ship the last tech who did that off to the medical facility on Globual.”
Idly Spins looked at the flat print out with interest and mentally folded it into functionality. He cooed softly in surprise. The third dimensional triangle should be a very effective trap for the invertebrates he was studying. The adhesive center really needed no warning. What sort of idiot would touch that?
“There will be plentiful incidental traps.” Idly Spins muttered as he folded the device into shape.
“That is your issue,” Half-twist said, waving his gripping appendages dismissively. “And I don’t see how having more samples is a bad thing. Does this solve your problem?”
“Not the problem of overprotective humans,” Idly Spins pointed out as he lifted the now complete trap.
“I am sorry,” Half-twist said dropping his appendages in irritation. “But we have a legal policy against discouraging friendly interactions with a species of predators that are forty times our mass on average.”
Idly Spins grumbled as he left the room.
Idly Spins wasn’t grumbling when he returned for more traps several cycles.
“I am not sulking!” He muttered when Half-twist couldn’t quite keep the smug pose out of his appendages.
“The human was right,” Half-twist said cheerfully.
“He was only able to identify the venom and poison level of the samples with eighty percent accuracy.” Idly Spins returned. “It is not a fail proof system.”
“Only eighty percent,” Half-twist observed. “Practically useless.”
“I might be adopting bad human grammar,” Idly Spins growled. “But you are adopting horrible human sarcasm.”
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