Humans are Weird – Self Control
​
“For the record,” Eighth Sister said as calmly as she could with her frill extended as far as it would go in a display she could only pray the human didn’t recognize as scornful disbelief.
“For what record?” The human sitting across the table from her demanded.
His outer membrane was flush with toxin signals and his pheromone cloud was awash with horrid indicators of the internal torment his digestive system was going through. For once in her career Eight Sister regretted that human biosignals were so easy to translate.
“The medical record,” Eighth Sister said, forcing her frill to lay flat. “The one your superiors are paying me to keep. The one that you yourself said was a, and I quote, “Crackerjack-“
“Don’t quote my words back to me,” snapped the human, slumping in a way that should not have been possible for a creature with a calciferous endoskeleton.
“Very well,” Eighth Sister agreed.
She reminded herself that the digestion impeded human was suffering far more than she was and deserved sympathy. Even if, as she suspected, his suffering was entirely his own doing.
“Now when you submitted your specific dietary needs to the base you indicated that you had a dangerous learned immune response to what common human foods?” She asked.
“Gluten, mammalian lactation, and yeast by-products,” the human muttered with a sigh.
“And what product did you specifically order from the non-essential foodstuffs merchant?” She asked.
“Chocolate éclairs,” the human said in a still lower voice.
“And did you personally eat these non-essential foodstuffs?” She asked.
“I bloody well did!”  Snapped the human. “For the record you know.”
“And what are the primary ingredients of these non-essential foodstuff?”  She pressed on deciding to ignore the outburst.
“Sugar,” he began, “and chocolate, and baking soda, and baking powder, and water …”
“And?” She pressed.
“Milk, gluten, and yeast,” he muttered, somehow managing to slump even lower in his seat all the while maintaining a steady resentful glare at a point right in-between her eyes.
She waited for him to continue, to offer some explanation, but he only glared at her defiantly until she let her frill droop and gestured at the door.
As he stood his gastro system release a cloud of foul waste product and he flushed in embarrassment before hurrying out of the room. Eighth Sister clamped down her frill and wondered if she could get a transfer. 

All the children's books. ALL OF THEM. Are here. 

Humans are Weird – Jump Scare
“Secondary Visiting Ranger?” Fourth Sister asked when she handed him the soil probe.
The brilliant yellow sun shown down on the frozen landscape. She would never have dared venture out onto such a place herself without the presence of a true mammal. Even with her insulation gear that muted the sounds of even loud conversation she could already feel the air draining her core warmth. Fortunately humans were rather loud when it came to communication. Even so, the grunt the human gave in reply did not seem to contain any words, but she was learning that humans were rather imprecise when it came to casual verbal communication, so she took it to be permission to continue.
“Are you currently in a state of, ah, I believe the word is ‘feud’ with Primary Visiting Ranger?” She asked.
“Primary-? Oh you mean Bob?” The human asked.
“Yes,” She replied.
The human took a moment to shift the hood of the parka he was wearing around his tiny audio sensors but did not expose the round little nubs of skin.  
“A state of feud?” His lips turned down in a gesture of either displeasure or thought. “Not that I know of. Why?”
“Well given that he is about to-“ Fourth Sister began.
The still, thick atmosphere was split by a high pitched shriek as Primary Visiting Ranger leapt out from behind a shrubbery and grasped at Secondary Visiting Ranger. Fourth Sister felt her frill slapping against the interior of her thermal wear in confusion. Primary Visiting Ranger was perhaps a full body length from Secondary Visiting Ranger. There was no way a human could physically touch another from that distance. However Secondary Visiting Ranger still leapt back with a vocalization that she was fairly certain counted as a profanity. She stooped over to pick up the probe Secondary Visiting Ranger had dropped.
“Really Bob?” Secondary Visiting Ranger demanded, his hand clutched over his primary circulatory pump. “Really?”
Primary Visiting Ranger was laughing in delight to such an extent that Fourth Sister was somewhat concerned for his health. He doubled over and braced his arms on his knees.
“Oh yeah Mack,” he finally gasped. “Really. You should have seen your face!”
“Real mature.” Secondary Visiting Ranger muttered.
She could not see under his goggles but from the flexing of the exposed muscles she presumed that he was performing that odd ritual of ‘rolling his eyes’ that was so very disturbing. Inset organs should not move in that manner.
“Is this an amusing encounter or an antagonistic one?” Fourth Sister asked as she handed Secondary Visiting Ranger the soil probe.
“Amusing!” Primary Visiting Ranger stated firmly, all of his teeth showing in a wide grin.
“Not antagonistic,” Secondary Visiting Ranger spoke at the same time. “Just annoying and immature.”
“You needed the cardio anyway,” Primary Visiting Ranger said.
He straightened and strode past them, not breaking stride but managing to clout Secondary Visiting Ranger on the shoulder with those built in clubs humans were so infamous for.
“See you back at the base Mack,” he said cheerfully.
“Not if I see you first,” Secondary Visiting Ranger muttered.

Humans are Weird - Surface Tension 

Apology post for missing two weeks of posts. 

Humans are Weird - Surface Tension

“Commander Strk’t?” Xrt’ltx asked as he entered the commander’s office.
The commander was busy over yet another report justifying more equipment and was not in the best of moods. If Central didn’t want to supply them with four times the usual required items then perhaps they should not send item types that oxidized so quickly to a world that was over ninety percent surface water. He lifted his attention from yet another description of metal rusting out and tried to look attentive for the young anthropologist.
“Yes?” He replied.
“I had an odd conversation with one of the humans,” Xrt’ltx began uneasily.
“That describes most interactions with giant, bipedal mammals with underdeveloped self preservation instincts,” Strk’t said in a flat tone. “Is there a reason you came to me about it.”
Xrt’ltx shifted uneasily on his six motile legs and waved a gripper in confirmation.
“You would most likely know whether a human was making a threat or expressing concern,” Xrt’ltx said.
“If it was one of the humans on this base he was expressing concern,” Strk’t said with a dismissive wave. “They consider us to be ‘cute’ and ‘adorable’. Our eye to head ratios are so far into their neonatisim triggers that we get the benefit of them instinctively wanting to protect us. Once the horror wears off that is.”
Xrt’ltx looked the opposite of enlightened but Prime Cluster be Fragmented if Strk’t was going to bother expanding on human behavior if he could help it. They young anthropologist finally decided to leave it at that and went on.
“I was invited to partake in a human recreational activity,” he continued, “but the human expressed, or at least I think that was his meaning, that the forces I would be exposed to would cause dismemberment.”
“They asked if you could regenerate limbs,” Strk’t asked with an amused twitch to his upper mandibles.
“Yes!” Xrt’ltx seemed relieved that Strk’t recognized the behavior.
“What activity did they invite you to?”  Strk’t asked.
“Water skiing,” Xrt’ltx replied.
“Oh yeah,” Strk’t said with a wave of confirmation. “That one will rip your gripping appendages right off.”
Xrt’ltx stared at him in horror as if waiting for him to go on.
“Just tell them you are happy to observe,” Strk’t said with a shrug.
“But if the forces are enough to dismember our much larger surface to volume ratio-“ Xrt’ltx began.
Strk’t had been among the humans a long time he would freely admit, long enough to be comfortable with interrupting someone else.
“Human limbs are very firmly attached,” he replied, “and they rely on the surface tension of the water to slow them down and reduce the tension force. You should go.”
Xrt’ltx stared at him silently for a few moments before slipping out of the office door. Strk’t turned back to his report and made a mental note to prepare the medbay for the usual human injuries.
 

Cinder – NEVER Judge a Book by its Cover

Guilty as charged your honor. I did it. I confess. I have paid the price for my arrogance. I judged a book by its cover.

*dramatic music* 

 “Cinder” by  Marissa Meyer is an amazing book.

My brother pestered me to read it for a year before simply buying it for me for Christmas. I read through it in a few hours and then bought the next six books over the next three days. I could not stop.
No matter what genera it is (or you think it is) it is a well written book. The characters are full and strong. The tropes are played straight and subverted at the same time. You care about the main characters and are rooting for them to succeed while at the same time you are terrified that they will turn evil at any moment.
It is technically a YA science-fantasy romance. But don’t judge it by its siblings. Yes there are werewolves…sort of? There is vampirism (but no vampires). There are princesses and princes. There are village maidens and big bad wolves. There are robots and androids. There are spaceships and French pastries. There is romance so sweet it will give you diabetes and realities so horrifying it will make you very, very glad this is science fiction. The scientists are mad the princes are charming and the grandmother was a decorated veteran.
Life is pretty tough for Cinder. Despite having the best future-Yelp ratings in new Beijing her mechanics shop barely pays for the upkeep of her stepmother and two sisters. The plague is devastating the city of New-Beijing and she could really use a new foot.  Then her stepmother sells her to the government labs. An evil queen is going to force Prince Charming into helping her CONQURE THE WORLD unless Cinder can get to the ball with the warning from the malfunctioning android. Also the mad scientist is more clinically unstable than fun and quirky…
This book and the rest of its series is a must read. 

Humans Are Weird – All Naked


“Are you feeling well this morning Human Friend Steve?” Crs’klt asked when Steve had settled onto the bench.

Steve gave a tired grunt as he leaned over the table and rested his elbows on either side of his breakfast tray. Crs’klt decided to ignore the clearly impolite gesture as no matter what that sound had meant Human Friend Steve was clearly not particularly chipper this morning.

“May we continue our conversation from last night?” Crs’klt asked once Steve had consumed the amount of coffee that allowed for normal brain function.

“Wha’ conversation?” Human Friend Steve asked, opening one eye far enough for his pupil to peer out at Crs’klt.

She tilted her head to the side and considered. There really had seemed to be multiple threads to the odd conversation last night. It would be hard to untangle them but she supposed the main point would do for a start.

“The one about the naked Trisk,” she explained.

Human Friend Steve stared at her though his one open eye for several seconds, then blinked both eyes slowly. He forced himself up into a position of maximal gravitational efficiency and took a deep breath before rubbing his face with his free hand.

“What now?” he asked.

“May we continue our conversation from last night about the naked Trisk?” she repeated slowly, making sure to enunciate each word clearly.

“Darlin’,” Human Friend Steve said slowly. “I have never once discussed the clothing or lack thereof you spider types wear, and we didn’t discuss anything last night.”

Crs’klt tilted her head to the other side and considered how best to argue the point. Given that he seemed in serious earnest she could only assume he was testing her on human protocol.

“Pics or it didn’t happen,” she said in a cheerful tone. “I understand.”

He blinked rapidly in a show of confusion as she activated the holo-projector in her tablet and played what she had recorded.

“Pardon me,” holo-her said to holo-him. “I did not understand that statement.”

Holo-Human Friend Steve sat bolt-upright in his bed staring fixedly at the wall with a large grin on his face.

“Naked!” he said and then giggled.

“Naked?” Holo-Crs’klt repeated in confusion.

“They are all naked.” Holo-Human Friend Steve clarified, lifting his finger to point at the wall.
Current Human Friend Steve was staring at the recording with a look of dawning horror on his face that was making Current Crs’klt rather uncomfortable.

“Who are all naked?” Holo-Crs’klt asked.

“All the Trisk,” he replied in a slow dull tone that was contradicted by another giggle. “They are all naked. Dancing.” He giggled again.

“We do not make a habit of clothing,” she replied. “But who exactly is dancing naked?”

Holo-Human Friend Steve blinked slowly at the wall, gave another giggle, and then slowly slumped back against his pillow. The next sound he made was clearly a snore.

Crs’klt stopped the recording and looked up at Human Friend Steve expectantly.

“Pics!” She said firmly. “So it happened. Now, what Trisk were you speaking of?”

Human Friend Steve groaned and dropped his face into his hands. He muttered something about it being too early for this, though he did not specify what ‘this’ was.

“Shall we discuss the naked Trisk at lunch then?”  Crs’klt asked.

“Sure, sure,” Human Friend Steve replied. “Just, before that look up sleep walking and sleep talking in humans in the psy-database.”

“Very well,” Crs’klt said. “Enjoy your breakfast Human Friend Steve.”
​
“And please don’t show that recording to anyone else,” he requested as she left. “I’ll never live that down. “ 

So yeah. Very sorry for the lack of posts the past two weeks. I socialized too hard and died a little on the inside. Seriously it feels like a few years of my life was sucked away. Also I caught the flu. 
Hopefully the posting schedule this week will make up for it. Cheers! 

Humans are Weird – Hachi

​“That cannot be correct,” Spins Madly stated firmly.
“Those were my observations,” Twistunder replied just as firmly.
“This makes no sense,” Spins Madly insisted. “It is the most basic genetic tenant. It is not restricted to sentient beings. It applies to every organism, no matter how deaf or simple they are.”
“I am aware,” Twistunder said.
He slumped into a loaf as he waited for the officer to finish ranting. This had become a rather distressing habit of his commanding officers since they had begun interacting with humans. With the majority of his appendages hidden under his greater mass he began flicking though his data again. After all he might have been wrong. It was certainly a more productive use of his time than listening to Spins Madly detail how ridicules human behavior was.
There were few examples of the stimulus unfortunately. There was the archaic visual representation set in a primitive culture, a more advanced visual representation set in a more advanced culture, and of course the written version of an oral retelling of an actual scientific finding. Fortunately there were as many reaction moments as there were humans who had been exposed to the few stimuli. Even more fortunately every human seemed not only willing but eager to expose themselves.  Twistunder had displayed the data several different ways by the time Spins Madly caught on.
“Will you feel this?” Spins Madly demanded.
“I really don’t mean to,” Twistunder bluntly stated. “Sound this. I am keenly aware of how strange this data is. Feel me, I didn’t want to believe my observations myself at first.”
“But this is how it is,” Spins Madly finished with a slump.
“Now we have two choices here,” Twistunder said. “We can tighten up over this and stealthfully observe the humans for more data. Or we can just ask the nearest human.”
“I think Quartermaster Smith is experiencing a time of low responsibility at the moment,” Spins Madly said after a moment.
“Let’s go then,” Twistunder said.
They scooted off of the table and dropped down to the floor. Quartermaster Smith was indeed experiencing a time of low responsibility. He was stretched out on the floor rising and falling in a steady rhythm. Twistunder was under the impression that this had something to do with maintaining their core strength but he wasn’t sure. The human noted their entrance with a brief nod. Counted to ten and then leapt into a standing position.
“What’s up lil dudes?” Quartermaster Smith asked cheerfully. “Can I get you some travel pods?”
“We have a question about some data we gathered,” Spins Madly stated.
“And you are asking me science type questions because?” Quartermaster Smith said, tilting his head to the side and raising one eyebrow.
“You were the closest human and we were lazy,” Twistunder replied.
“Sounds legit,” Quartermaster Smith said. “Ask away.”
“Please do not take offense,” Twistunder began.
“Oh,” Quartermaster Smith arched both eyebrows as he interrupted to fling his massive frame into a chair. “This is gonna be good.”
“But why, when watching emotional stimulating entertainment, do humans show more emotional reaction to the suffering of the domestic animal you call dogs than to the suffering of your fellow humans?” Twistunder asked bluntly.
Quartermaster Smith’s entire body lapsed into an expression of shock and then tightened into one of thoughtful confusion.
“We do,” he said slowly, “don’t we?”
“I take it you were not aware of the phenomenon,” Spins Madly observed with a tired groan.
“Naw,” the human replied shaking his head. “Well, I mean at least I did, but I’d never thought about it before. Weird.”
“There is notably the story of the dog you call Hachi,” Twistunder began.
He was interrupted by a loud sniffle from the human. Already the patterned skin was flushing with grief and stress.
“He was such a good boy,” Quartermaster Smith whispered. 

Here's to a class ole work by the nineteenth century English author Anthony Trollope. :"The Way We Live Now". Here is just one of the cutting little quips from this work. 

"Well; it certainly may be necessary that a woman should shoot a man—especially in Oregon." 

Just,  'especially in Oregon.' What a difference a few centuries make in a State's reputation. 

Humans are Weird – Those Were Warnings Not Suggestions

“All non-classified data is to be placed on the shared drive,” Forty-five Trills burst out. “That is clearly stipulated in the regulations!”
“How?” Demanded Ghas’trk, waving his primary manipulation appendages in frustration, “did you not think this needed to be classified?”
“I assumed this was already common knowledge among humans,” Forty-five Trills defended himself.
Ghas’trk let his appendages drop down and rubbed his eyes in frustration. His rearmost motile appendages rubbed together and he grimly felt the remaining numbness.  
Forty-five Trills noticed the motion and drew his wings together in a sympathetic wince.
“Is the flame damage healing well?” He asked.
“As well as can be expected,” Ghas’trk stated. “Now, when did you first start compiling this,” he hesitated as he mulled over the proper descriptors, “this list.”
“It was soon after the first humans entered this sector,” Forty-five Trills explained. “I was stationed on the observation platform that had been shared with the Shatar once. So it was the only base built to specs that could house a human. The rest were far too small. However we had a mega-mite infestation on the base at the time.”
“Sweet Mother Flight,” Ghas’trk hissed. “Not the piercing kind?”
“Shedding no,” Forty-five Trills replied with a shudder. “Just the daubing kind. But they were perhaps three times the size, so all around an uncomfortable experience. When you come across something that is nearly your mass that looks so very much like the tales of a demon one hears of in pup’s stories.”
He fluffed and smoothed his fur with a huff.
“Well we assumed that a predatory species of the human’s mass would not be so concerned with their  presence,” he continued.
“And it was the only base there,” Ghas’trk acknowledged.
“And it was the only base there,” Forty-five Trills confirmed. “We warned them. We did warn them. I can only assume that the human in question failed to absorb the briefing entirely, because it came out after the incident investigation that he had not seen one of the ‘bleeding horrific giant buggers’ before.”
“But from your description the mega-mites were a fraction of a hundredth of a human’s mass,” Ghas’trk replied.
“Indeed,” Forty-five Trills replied. “In times since then I have seen humans dispatch the same species with  a mere flick of their hands. But apparently they have a preferred size for mites, and anything that dares to grow larger must be, ‘killed with fire’.”
“And so that is what the human on the base did?”  Ghas’trk asked.
“Yes,” Forty-five Trills said with a sigh.
He ran his winghook over his sensory horns and stared glumly at the list Ghas’trk was displaying on the pad.
“He found the main nest and improvised an incendiary device out of a pressurized can of cleaning solvent and the ignition factors of some outdated mining equipment,” Forty-five Trills went on.
“Didn’t his screaming alert you before the fact?” Ghas’trk demanded. “Human lungs are…powerful to say the least.”
“I might remind you I had never experienced human behavior before this,” Forty-five Trills replied. “Even if I had this particular human wasn’t prone to screaming. We had no warning before the fire suppressant systems informed us of his tampering with them. Well we followed the indicators and found him singed and satisfied.”
“What did he say?” Ghas’trk asked with a feeling of macabre interest.
“Everything’s fine now,” Forty-five Trills replied. “Anyway, I had to write up the report for that incident so I had that copy in my records. When it became clear that this wasn’t a random encounter due to prolonged exposure to space, but a standard reaction to unknown threats I decided to keep the list. Most entries are from my official reports, some are from incidences I observed personally, and some are purely second-wing telling.”
“And what was the purpose of this list?” Ghas’trk asked.
“Safety!” Forty-five Trills nearly shrieked out, flailing his wings wide. “I wanted every officer in charge of a human to be aware that given an immediate threat, an approaching threat, or an insufficiency of threats a humans first response is to set something on fire! I wanted them to be able to react to that!”
Forty-five Trills lunged across the table and gripped Ghas’trk’s head in his winghooks. Ghas’trk stiffened but didn’t panic. They had worked together for too long for him to really fear the irritating Winged.
“How was I supposed to know?” Forty-five Trills demanded.  “How was I supposed to know that a list made for warning purposes would be taken as a –“
His voice broke out of Ghas’trk’s hearing range and the Trisk winced back for a moment.
“Control yourself Forty-five Trills,” Ghas’trk said firmly. “What did you say the list was taken as?”
Forty-five Trills dropped back to his seat and gave a groan.
“The humans took it for a challenge,” he finally said weakly. “They print it out and check off the explosive, incendiary, and electric devices as they find ways to improvise them with the materials on hand.”
“And that is why I was caught in that blast in the storage bay?” Ghas’trk asked.
“Human Green had found a new type of cleaning solvent,” Forty-five Trills replied.
“This is all very interesting,” Ghas’trk said, “and informative, however the device that involved myself was not described in your list.”
“I did mention the part where the humans improvise,” Forty-five Trills pointed out.
“That you did,” Ghas’trk said. “And now the list is out there and growing.”
“Well they survived long enough to achieve space flight,” Forty-five Trills pointed out. “They can’t be too careless with explosions, can they?”