Humans are Weird – Climbing the Walls

Thank you all so much for your updoots and feedback. It gives me the will to go on. Want to see more? Think about becoming a Patreon. Tea refuses to buy itself and the more time one has to spend on a day job the less time there is for befuddled aliens. 


“I do not think I would be able to explain it scientifically,” Twistunder observed as he nuzzled into his companion, “but I think I understand the allure of these indoor combustion chambers to the humans.”
Rollsslowly gave a lazy hum of assent and lifted a sensory rich appendage to absorb some of the radiant warmth spilling out of the combustion chamber. They were twined together in a shallow pool that formed a sort of raised center to the common room of the research base. The  main lights had been dimmed in tune with the diurnal cycle of the planet and the majority of the staff were spending the rest day sprawled over the furniture either reading or composing messages for distant loved ones. Several human couches were arranged around the Undulates’ pool, all facing the circular stone contrivance the humans called the fire pit. A vent hovered over the pit to guide the fumes and smoke out of the common area and various steel levers hung on the side for when the humans felt the mysterious urge to prod at the flames.
Twistunder’s musings were cut short as one of the humans in the shadowy reaches of the room tossed aside his book and directed a resentful glare at the large bay of windows that comprised the south arc of the structure. Twistunder mused over the view. One of the massive storms, the kind that were unheard of on his planet, was whipping the forest outside into a frenzy of movement. The trees, each of which he knew to be several unds in diameter were bending and dipping like so much algae. Twistunder supposed he could sympathize with the frustration that caused the human to drum his fingers on the arm of his chair. Finally the human produced a wordless gust of air and snapped to his feet. The human paced back and forth several times and suddenly made a run at the wall.
“Human Friend Susan?” Twistunder asked after a moment.
Rollssowly grumbled as Twistunder had to pull away to form the words.
“S’up lil bud?” Human Friend Susan asked, before immediately breaking into a yawn.
“What is Human Friend Red doing?” Twistunder asked.
Human Friend Susan blinked slowly at him and Twistunder lifted a gripping appendage to indicate the path the human was taking.  Human Friend Susan swiveled her head slowly and focused on the other human. Her face went slack for a moment as her eyes tracked his course, before breaking into a wry smile.
“He’s climbing the walls Twist,” she said with a laugh.
“I did not think this architecture allowed a human sufficient purchase to climb the walls,” Twistunder observed.
“Neither did I,” Human Friend Susan agreed. “But it is storming you know.”
She indicated the window with a nod of her head.
“I was under the impression that storm weather sent mammals into a torpor like state,” Twistunder said.
“Sometimes,” Human Friend Susan said.
She winced as the other human reached the ceiling and almost fell from his perch before moving onto the next one.
“But keep a human cooped up too long and they do start climbing the walls,” she concluded, turning back to her book.
“I have heard that phrase,” Rollsslowly observed. “However I thought it simply a figure of speech.”
“Well now we know,” Twistunder said. “Human Friend Susan, I believe the fire needs poking.” 

Recently I have been training my cat to sit beside me and chill while I watch online videos. He has got the idea and even started watching the videos. Judging by his attention he prefers Halo lore videos. I tried him on cat documentaries and various other types but nothing grabbed his attention like the videos on Halo lore. 

Build them a large dog house that gives them insulation and plenty of room to turn around.

Then watch the dog house collect chicken nests and baby goats while your Great Pyrenees prefers to lay on the cold, hard ground. Or sprawl in the snow. One of the two.

Set up play dates

You want to keep your Pyrenees exercised and socialized. After 5 minutes of play, watch Pyrenees pin the other dog to the ground, steal the ball, and then bury it because this thing the humans call ‘fetch’ is so far beneath the dignity of a dog that it will not be allowed while he is on duty, thank you very much. He will then watch from the shade, smirking while the other dog looks for the ball.

Schedule a spa day

High-end shampoo and conditioner, paw massages, and a thorough brushing to keep the coat functioning well. Catch your Pyrenees rolling in the mud as soon as you get home.
Feed premium-quality food
Spend your day preparing healthy meals or purchase top of the line food for your Pyrenees. Cry when your Pyrenees snubs your high-quality, healthy meal to go eat the rotting apples under the tree, the grain mash for the chickens, and the dry bread for the goats.

Put out a baby pool

Search high and low for a Pyrenees-sized pool to keep him cool in the summer. Watch Pyrenees use it as a giant water bowl instead and find the deepest mud puddle to roll in.

Prepare an Emergency Loading Ramp for Vet Trips

Pyrenees average 110 lbs each with 175 not being uncommon. If the worst happens, a broken leg, poisoning, or even generally illness, you will need the help of an inclined plane to get your Pyrenees into the vehicle for transport. Then watch as at the sight of the rear gate opening the incapacitated Pyrenees forgets his pain and suffering and leaps three-legged into the car. He may be in immeasurable pain and suffering but by Jingo he gets to GO WITH YOU! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR! START THE CAR!

Buy presents for each holiday or celebration

Throw your hands up in despair as Pyrenees completely ignores the new toys and proceeds to minutely inspect each and every rock in the field that he has passed every day of his life.

Remember fireworks are the end of the world

There is a bloody reason you don’t see Pyrenees in war movies or police collars. A full grown Kodiak Grizzly Boar? Potential friend or an easy fight. A pack of wolves? Who cares, they wouldn’t dare cross your massive fluff guardian. But set off a PoP-It too close to the yard and suddenly your Pyrenees has teleported through two fences a mile away and is doing its best impression of a Chihuahua in your lap as you lay gasping on the ground wondering why the clouds are so heavy and why they decided to smother you today. On the Fourth of July and any festival days remember to designate a Pyrenees cuddler and calmer for the duration of the boom boom.

Allow guarding and barking

Both are necessary to satisfy instinctual needs and keep yourself safe. Learn that Pyrenees thinks the neighbor dog, the post man stopping three driveways down, and a raccoon five miles away are all equal threats to a full pack of Dire Wolves but can be staved off with a few good barks.

Offer all the kisses and snuggles in the world

As far as your Pyrenees is concerned there is no such thing as hugging too long. Your will will break, your arms will tire before his do.

​Thank you all so much for your updoots and feedback. It gives me the will to go on. Want to see more? Think about becoming a Patreon. Tea refuses to buy itself and the more time one has to spend on a day job the less time there is for befuddled aliens. 

Humans are Weird – Palindrome

“Want to see something cool?” Human friend Susan asked of the room at large when she came through the inner airlock.
There was an amber colored flurry of movement in the central perch tree as the Winged left the exterior perches and sought cover in the inner compartments. Three Undulates eased under the surface of the rest pool without so much as a ripple. Five Trisk  sprinted up the ladders to a higher level catwalk, putting them conveniently out of Human Friend Susan’s line of binocular sight.
Krs’ktt suddenly found himself regretting his last promotion. If he were still a lowly sub-commander he could have justified joining his subordinates on the higher levels. As it was being the ranking officer in the communal room meant it was his duty to determine if they over-enthusiastic biologist had brought back anything particularly horrific from her rounds.  The quarantine protocols should have prevented any such thing being dangerous but this human in particular had proven quite adept at finding creatures, items, and … well the only proper word for them was monstrosities that somehow did not meet the criteria for exclusion.
“I would be very interested in seeing this cool thing,” Krs’ktt said aloud as he walked to the edge of his work surface.
The human grinned and held up her datapad at about hip height. Krs’ktt felt the tension in the room drop dramatically. She had only brought back documentation. A few tentative sensory appendages poked out of the pool, paired black eyes peered out of the perch tree, and his traitorous kin edged to look down at what Human Friend Susan was showing him. He relaxed even further as he saw not the expected visual image recreation (nothing needed as many organs as the last carcass she had photographed had displayed) but only the standard data entry screen.  He loosened his joints in relief and tilted his head to the side curiously.
“I am afraid I cannot recognize any pattern in this data set,”  he said with an apologetic wave of his primary gripping leg. “Perhaps another biologist might-“
“No! No!” she interrupted with a laugh.
Krs’ktt fought back a wave of bristling annoyance.
“The metadata!” Human Friend Susan went on. “Look at that data point. I think it’s seventh from the bottom.”
“That is a data point,” Krs’ktt said.
Human Friend Susan laughed.
“It’s a numerical palindrome in the standard Core font!” she said.
She looked at him expectantly.
“What is a palindrome?” Krs’ktt asked.
“Oh,” Human Friend Susan blinked and her head tilted as she thought over her response. “It means the written item reads the same in both linear directions.”
Krs’ktt angled his primary eyes at the screen and tapped a knee joint thoughtfully.
“I do not see the pattern,” he finally said.
Human Friend Susan’s face wrinkled and she turned the screen to look at it.
“This one,” she said, touching the beginning of the indicated line.
“It is not symmetrical,” Krs’ktt pointed out.
“Leave out the punctuation,” Human Friend Susan suggested.
“It is still not symmetrical,” Krs’ktt argued. “Not that I can see. It has an odd number of digits.”
“Well just cut the central naught in half!” Human Friend Susan pressed.
The Undulates where all heaved out of the water now, waving their appendages attentively at the interaction. The Winged had taken to the air and were circling closer. Krs’ktt stretched out a bit and waved the Winged commander down.
“What do you thing Fifteenth Click?” he asked politely.
The amber Winged hovered in front of the screen a moment.
“I do not see this as symmetrical even with those specifications,” he said. “The tails on the threes alone would-“
“But aside from the little stuff!”  Human Friend Susan interrupted.
Fifteenth Click and Krs’ktt glanced at each other curiously.
“We do not see the pattern Human Friend Susan,” Krs’ktt finally said with as much firmness as he could muster.
“Well it’s there,” Human Friend Susan said cheerfully. “I thought it was cool. Well ciao .”
She dropped the datapad in her hip pouch and strolled towards the kitchens.
“Cool,” Liftsgently spoke from the pool. “She uses the same designation for a single datapoint with an unusual pattern in the metadata as she does for a container full of fungal reanimated insect corpses.”
Krs’ktt stretched out his legs and returned to his work space as the common room fell into the usual noisy discussion that followed their human’s return. 

Humans are Weird – Cutting Loose 

Thank you all so much for your updoots and feedback. It gives me the will to go on. Want to see more? Think about becoming a Patreon. Tea refuses to buy itself and the more time one has to spend on a day job the less time there is for befuddled aliens. 


“Do understand,” Base Commander Fifteenth Trill said as gently as he could, “we just want to understand.”

The human in front of him slouched in the chair. She very deliberately glanced to the window. The massive rings of muscle in her odd, concentric eyes contracted as she focused on the branches of a tree in the middle distance. Her massive digits began to writhe. They twined with their mates on the other hand and untwined again. She shifted her center of mass and glanced at him out of the corners of her eyes.

Base Commander Fifteenth Trill recalled his psychology training and squared his primary joints on either side of his head. He tilted his head up to put his sensory horn on display and fixed the human with what he hopped was a firm stare. He needed to let the silence be his ally. Humans couldn’t stand being quietly watched. Hopefully he was reading this situation correctly. After a moment the human heaved an unnecessarily loud sigh and hunched her shoulders.

“Don’ know,” she said. “Sir.” She threw out as an afterthought.

“Let us review the facts then,” Fifteenth Trill said, pulling up the report on his tablet.

The human winced and glanced at him furtively before returning her gaze to the tree.

“Now you are rated as a mechanic,” Fifteenth Trill stated.

“Yeah,” the human confirmed.

“You are not rated as a biologist in any biology sub-field?” Fifteenth Trill asked.

“Not a bit,” the human agreed as a smile flitted across her face and then flew off.

“Yet you spent no small amount of your private funds to requisition the collection of over five thousand,” he hesitated over the complex scientific name of the species.

The human’s interested perked up and she openly grinned as she looked at him.

“Crabbits!” she said in an eager tone. “Cuz’ they look like little crabby crickets!”

“Crabbits,” Fifteenth Trill agreed. “You commissioned the collection of over five thousand crabbits and received the delivery of said at seventh hour this morning at atmospheric shuttle dock seven.”

“Could’a been seven,” the human said with a shrug. “I didn’t exactly notice.”

“I sound,” Fifteenth Trill replied. “Nevertheless you then took the container of crabbits and-“
“It was cold,” she interjected. “I took ‘em to the cafeteria to warm up first.”
Fifteenth Trill stared blankly at her for a moment, taking in the smug smile, the frank admission of premeditation, and the utterly unapologetic glint in her concentric eyes.
“You took them to the cafeteria to warm up,” Fifteenth Trill repeated as he added that note to the log.
“Yeah,” the human bobbed her head eagerly. “They don’t move much when their cold ya’ see! So I warmed ‘em up so they were nice and ready to bolt when the first bell rang.”

Fifteenth Trill heaved a sigh and turned back to his log.

“So you very deliberately waited until the first break of the day,” he said, “and went to the primary traffic juncture of the base during the busiest time locus, and released the warmed crabbits into the hallway.”

The human began spasming with barely suppressed laughter as he finished.

“You should’a seen the Trisk!” She gasped out. “I didn’t know those little legs could move that fast!”

“Which,” Fifteenth Trill said firmly, trying to get the conversation back on track, “brings us back to my original question. Why did you do it?”

The humor slowly faded out of the human’s flushed face and she slumped back in the chair. Her shoulders shrugged again.

“Don’ know,” she said, tossing her chin defiantly.

Fifteenth Trill gave a low groan and regretted not pressing harder for that Shatar personnel officer he had been denied. 

​Thank you all so much for your updoots and feedback. It gives me the will to go on. Want to see more? Think about becoming a Patreon. Tea refuses to buy itself and the more time one has to spend on a day job the less time there is for befuddled aliens. 


Humans are Weird – A Bit of Damage

“Yo! Fives!” First Field Ranger called out.

Fifth Sister let her frill ripple in amused irritation at the shortening of her designation and the friendly imposition it showed.  She tilted her head to focus on the approaching human and shifted her tablet to reach a hand out in greeting.

“Yo.” She awkwardly used the informal greeting. “First Field Ranger. How are you?”

“Fair to middling,” First Field Ranger answered, swinging the mug of coffee he was drinking with one hand while his other was clamped tightly to his side.

Fifth Sister curled her antenna in suspicion as she realized that the human was holding the mug in his left hand. He was still dressed in the full membrane covering that they wore under their extravehicular activity suits. The tight angle of his lips suggested the rigid control they used when hiding some emotion.

“I was wondering if you could pop over to the storage bay and take a look at my suit?” the human went on. “Took a bit of damage while I was out this morning and I want to know how long it’ll be out of commission.”

“That is well within my duties,” Fifth Sister said slowly.

The human was clearly hiding something. She wasn’t sure what but she had enough experience with the species for her frill edge to be prickling. She just wasn’t sure at what yet, other than that the distinctly asymmetrical First Field Ranger was using his non-dominant hand when his dominant hand was clearly free.

“Great!” The human bobbed his head eagerly. “Can you have that done by lunch? If you can then I’ll send the data to the fab-bay for parts but I have things to do and places to go before then.”

“I can fit that in my schedule,” she said.

“You’re a life saver Fives!” the human called out before pivoting and strolling down the corridor.

Fifth Sister flicked her antenna in irritation. Rudeness aside, the human’s bipedal stride also displayed the strange, overly controlled movements that his facial expression had.  She flicked out her antenna in frustration and continued to the storage bay. The stench of evaporated poly-carbons caused her antenna to curl as the doors cycled open. The source of the reek wasn’t hard to find. The human’s suit was hanging on the storage rack. The armor plating was missing a significant portion of the mass it had boasted this morning.
Fifth Sister crossed the bay slowly, her frill and antenna extending in shock. She reached out and spread her digits over the damaged surface. She couldn’t reach the outer edge of even the central portion of the damage. The armor had clearly taken an energy blast, perhaps a stray laser discharge, the inspection should tell her. Whatever the cause, the outer layer had experienced a massive evaporative explosion incident.

“The force would have torn outer membrane,” she clicked to herself.

She shook out her frill and reminded herself that this was a human she was dealing with. Membrane damage meant very little to them. It was that peculiar calcium rich endoskeleton that would have taken the blunt force damage.  She recalled the odd position of First Field Ranger’s dominant hand. As if it had been offering support to something internal.

Fifth Sister clicked her mandible in frustration as she activated the scanners on her tablet. Of course her work would be done by the time First Field Ranger returned. However analysis and repair of damaged materials was not her only function. She dialed up the medical bay as she worked.

“Greetings Third Sister,” she said politely, “I suspect that First Field Ranger is attempting to hide an endoskeleton fracture.”

On the screen Third Sister’s antenna barely flicked with surprise.

“Where will be the best place to catch him?” Third Sister asked.

“I suggest you conceal yourself near the chocolate,” Fifth Sister advised. “They seem most vulnerable there.” 

Humans are Weird – A Hole in One

Thank you all so much for your updoots and feedback. It gives me the will to go on. Want to see more? Think about becoming a Patreon.  Tea refuses to buy itself and the more time one has to spend on a day job the less time there is for befuddled aliens. 


“It is a tradition of course,” Wavesreach explained as she adjusted the cap over her gripping appendages and shifted the kilt to an easier position on her lagging end.

“Traditions are not easily explained even to member of your own species let alone others,” Wavesreach went on in cheerful tones that were utterly devoid of gestures.

Rolls-slowly tried to shake the uncanny valley sensation that caused in him.

“Hand me the lagging appendage cutting implement please,” Wavesreach gestured at the item encased in the fibrous cloth.

Rolls-slowly passed it over.

“Sock-knife,” he corrected.

Wavesreach gave a gesture of confusion as she slipped the tube and its dangerous contents over her lagging appendage.

“I heard Human Friend Bree call it a Scottish sock knife,” he explained.

Wavesreach gave a hum of acknowledgement as she pulled the sack called a sporran up to her midpoint and tightened the straps that held it down.

“And this is the traditional dress for this occasion?” He asked, unable to shake the dubious feeling.

“Human Friend MacCloud assured me it was as practicably accurate as her gran could make it,” she said. “How to I feel?”

She shuffled around to display the outfit, waving her much roughened gripping appendages to show how free for motion they were.

“You feel very, very strange” Rolls-slowly replied with as much honesty as he could muster.

Wavesreach positively rippled with humor even as several appendages adjusted the kilt to keep it and the sporran in place.

“Now what is my role in this game?” he asked.

“The sport requires so much equipment that a secondary player position was invented simply to carry it all,” she explained. “Therefore my gripping appendage will be free to wield the …”

“The club,” he offered handing her the long, skinny tool. “Shouldn’t they have scaled down the size, or at least the mass for you? They did with the uniform.”

“They offered,” Wavesreach replied with a dismissive shrug. “But I wanted to get a feel for the game as it’s supposed to be played first. As the requirements are all in clenching and gripping strength I have a hypothesis that I might be able to compete directly in this sport.”

She took the club and demonstrated with a few brief gestures what she meant. Rolls-slowly backed away from the lashing bar of carbon enforced steel at his fastest shuffle.

“This caddy job,” he asked uneasily. “It can be done from a safe distance of course?”

“Of course,” she replied cheerfully as she slid the club back into its sheath. “The equipment sheath is motorized and will follow you so all you have to do is pull out the clubs and bring the ones I ask for. I won’t be swinging then.”

“I did have a question about the scoring,” he said as they began to amble towards where the humans were waiting.

She gave him a gesture to continue.

“Counting the number of times you give a full gesture of the club at the ball per successful attempts to angle the ball into the hole seems empirical enough,” Rolls-slowly went on.  “But how do I score the profanity ratio?”

“I have no idea,” Wavesreach said cheerfully. “You have memorized the list of human profanities and their proper usage?”

“I have notes to check,” he replied.

“That will have to do,” she consented. “Just ask the human caddy if you’re not sure how to score me there. Also I will stick only to human profanities for this game. That should keep it simple.”

“What if the human begins using our profanities?” Rolls-slowly asked in concern.
​
“That is her caddy’s concern,” Wavesreach said dismissively. “Now come on. I want to prove today that I have the stamina for all eighteen vectors! Maybe next time she’ll agree to play with sand traps!” 

Observations

Day One: No sightings of subject designated New Neighbor 4. Place of residence, blue, run down cabin, random old broken down parts.
Day Two: No sightings.
Day Three: Sighted New Neighbor 4 bird watching. He stood oddly straight, arms akimbo and didn't move...
Day Four: New Neighbor 4 still in same spot...
Day Five: l begin to suspect New Neighbor 4 actually just has an old man manikin on his porch.....

The wind thrashes the cottonwood trees about my cabin. The rustling of the heart shaped leaves is a constant background. There must have been a crack a thump something... I didn't hear it as I finished up my early morning shift. I cheered my last student off of the internet, finished up my work for the morning, and got up to make a cup of tea. Despite it being well past 6 no sign of the sun was peeking over the mountains. Or rather mountain there really is only one around here. I decided that the artificial lighting was a bit too harsh. I lit a candle and one by one turned off the fluorescent bulbs. I smiled down at the soft yellow glow and arrange some years around it like we were taught in school. Content now with my ambiance I wandered over to the electric kettle to make a cup of tea. However when I depress the leaver to start the water boiling in the blue indicator light nothing happened. Perplexed I fiddled around in the candlelight trying to figure out what could be wrong with the kettle. I flipped the switch I reset the plug I reset the bus bar. Nothing seems to work. That's when I noticed that the internet was out. The two inch tall red numbers on my alarm clock went to lit. in fact the only lights in the entire cabin came from the candle I had just lit and a slowly blinking light on the gas hot water heater. I flicked the main light switch up and down just to be sure. Then shrugged and committed myself to my fuzzy blankets.

It was however a very amusing coincidence that I look the candle before the power went out by about six seconds...

​EDIT: This didn't post yesterday...because the power was out. But it's back now.