Thank you all so much for your updoots and feedback. It gives me the will to go on. Want to see more? Think about becoming a Patreon. Tea refuses to buy itself and the more time one has to spend on a day job the less time there is for befuddled aliens. 


Humans are Weird – A Surprising Omelet


“Will we be able to ingest the food like substance?” Twistunder asked.

He and Tumblesleft were hydrating in one of the hydrocarbon tubs that seemed ubiquitous in human supplies. The room around them had been decorated for a human celebration of some sort and they had asked permission to observed the decorations before the party began. They had been happily scooting around, taking notes on color schemes when Twistunder’s appendages had begun to itch. The ever helpful humans had provided them with the hydration tub. From there they could watch the  bustle of the preparations.

“There should be no problems,” Tumblesleft answered him. “There is almost no nutritional value in it but it is primarily simple sugars.”

“The guest should be arriving soon,” a human holding a green canister called out. “Do ya’ll need anything before I go and get the cake thing?”

“It’s not a cake!” yelled another human across the room.

“We are fine,” Twistunder assured him.

“Hey,” the human said as his face flushed with the dancing lights of eager delight. “We were going to do the cake-“

“Not a cake!” the other human corrected again.

“On that table over there,” the human gestured towards the central table with the canister, “but since you little dudes are over here I can do it right here in front of you. So you can see the colors better. You dudlets like colors right?”

“We do,” Twistunder agreed eagerly. “Please do the cake-“

“Not a cake!” the interruption came again.

“In front of us,” Twistunder finished.

“Will do little bud!” the human assured him as he turned and strode across the room.

“What is he going to do to the not-a-cake?” Tumblesleft asked.

“You are the nutritional expert,” Twistunder said, rippling in humor. “But there will be colors, and we do like colors.”

They rubbed appendages in amusement and began to exchange greetings with the arriving humans. The pulsing of the human music started and the lights began flashing wildly. The guests were chatting and eating the small foodstuffs provided for them. After some time the first two humans reappeared, one still holding the canister and the other holding a glistening, sculpted dome of crystals. The lights normalized and the music drifted to an end.

“Those are pretty colors,”  Tumblesleft said with admiration in the set of his body.

“What’s the canister for?” Twistunder suddenly asked as the humans approached.

“Why is that relevant?” Tumblesleft asked.

“It now has a trigger mechanism attached to the exhaust end,” Twistunder indicated with his gripping appendage.

“So?” Tumblesleft asked absently as he pulled himself further out of the tub as the humans set the not-a-cake on the table and the lights dimmed well below human tolerance ranges.

“I think it would be safer under water,” Twistunder stated, matching his actions to his words as the canister trigger began clicking in time to the human’s hand movements.

“Why do you-“ Tumblesleft began.

With a rushing sound a spear of flame leapt from the canister trigger and the humans made low sounds of approval. Tumblesleft stiffened and seemed stuck to the edge of the tub as the human played the fame over the not-a-cake. The crystalline structures shifted and changed at the touch. Once the entire surface had been altered the human turned off the flame and the rest of the humans applauded. Tumblesleft eased back into the water and shuffled closer to Twistunder.

“The colors,” Tumblesleft began softly.

“Very pretty,” Twistunder finished for him.

“Safer under the water,” Tumblesleft observed.

“Usually is,” Twistunder replied.

“I think the humans are inviting us out of the water,” Tumblesleft indicated.

“How long does it take those crystal structures to cool from direct flame exposure?” Twistunder asked.

“A little longer,” Tumblesleft said inching closer to Twistunder. “A little longer.” 

Thank you all so much for your updoots and feedback. It gives me the will to go on. Want to see more? Think about becoming a Patreon.Tea refuses to buy itself and the more time one has to spend on a day job the less time there is for befuddled aliens. 

Humans are Weird – Communication

“Have  you completed the analysis for the-” Thirty-five Trills cut off the questions abruptly as his companion preformed one of those contortions nearly unique to humans.
Human Friend Steve’s head swiveled on that preposterous column of a neck and his eyes focused on the scrubby trees to the side. His faced flexed from the polite attention he had been giving Thirty-five Trills and lit up with delight. His throat pulsed noiselessly for a moment and then emitted a series of click and trills that was almost intelligible.  Thirty-five Trills cast around in confusion to see who Human Friend Steve was speaking (or attempting to speak) to.
An answering series of the same sounds, again almost intelligible, emanated from the shrub but this echo carried wild and animalistic undertones that sent Thirty-five Trills shamelessly darting under Human Friend Steve’s hat for cover. One of the near invisible grainivores was now perched at the end of a branch seemingly conversing with the human. However they quickly passed on with the human’s long strides and Human Friend Steve turned his attention back to his sentient companion.
“Have I what now?” Human Friend Steve asked in the same casual tone he’d been using throughout their conversation.
“Were you just conversing with that…animal?” Thirty-five Trills demanded, poking his sensory horns out from under the protection of the hat.
Human Friend Steve blinked slowly and tilted his head to one side as he visibly shifted his vector of thought.
“No,” he replied slowly. “I was just, mimicking it, I guess?”
“Why?” Thirty-five Trills demanded. “In the course of the main branch, why? Were you determining if there were more? I know your bizarre pattern recognition had already found that one. That’s why you smiled. Why?”
Human Friend Steve gave a slow shrug and sauntered on.
“Don’t know,” he admitted finally. “Just something to do I guess.”
Thirty-five Trills ran his winghooks over his sensory horns and fought back a hiss of frustration. There was always a reason for this madness. He was increasingly glad that it wasn’t his stated job to determine them. 

One of the more ubiquitous bits of folklore is the tale of the animal bride. They range from the tragic, to the comic, to everything in-between. Celtic versions tend to make the animal bride a hostage of sorts. The North American versions have a bit more variations with the bride ranging from the caterpillar who body snatches the normal human bride and takes her place, to the fox who house breaks a phlegmatic hunter and then storms off in a huff when he has the gall to mention that well...foxes do kind of smell.  
Recently there has been a trend to "update" the animal bride stories. That caught my attention as I work in the wild life field and I am one of the poor mooks who would end up the holder of a selkie's cap if such a thing really existed. So my brain asked what would really happen if some dude found a selkie skin on the beach. 
First he'd freak out about poaching and take the thing to the local police department. They would be concerned, would open a case file and send it to forensics. Poaching would be assumed until forensics turned up  the fact that there were no signs of injury at all on the skin; no bullet holes, no cuts, nothing. Remembering the fiasco of the "mutilated cows" the now confused and disgruntled officers would get this thing off their hands as quick as possible by shipping it off to the nearest university that studies this stuff. The university is grateful and promptly files the anomaly away to be look at whenever some PhD has the time and interest.
Meanwhile the police get a call from the guy who turned the skin over in the first place. He is being stalked by a crazy naked lady who insists he stole her skin. The police take her in and get the vague idea she own the skin. She is investigated for poaching but nothing can be proven. She learns where her skin is however and when they let her go she sets off for the University. But as the magic binds her to the rules of whoever holds her skin she can't so much as see it unless the PhD investigating it shows it to her. As no one cares this could take awhile and the quickest course of action is to get a PhD and "study" it herself. 
​Cue Uni shenanigans. 

Humans are Weird – Peeling
 
Thank you all so much for your updoots and feedback. It gives me the will to go on. Want to see more? Think about becoming a Patreon. Tea refuses to buy itself and the more time one has to spend on a day job the less time there is for befuddled aliens.
 
 
Second Sister dipped her proboscis into the warm infusion and gave a contented flutter of her neck frill. She flexed her four legs one after the other and eased down onto the warm stone that marked the end of the cultivated area. She did truly love her work. But every year that passed the call of home colony got stronger. She was rapidly approaching full sexual maturity and First Sister was dropping increasingly blunt hints when she contacted her. That last message about the ‘stunningly beautiful First Brother’ of the next colony over had almost been an order. And family duties aside, five years time spent dealing with the madness the humans caused was quite enough civil service to satisfy even the strictest interpretations of the Mother Song.


Second Sister took another lap of the infusion and lightly caressed her badge of office. Being a xeno-psycologist was a trial at any time of life but when one’s hormones were screaming for a mate and offspring…well as First Sister had so pointedly reminded her, the gardens back home were far too large for one male to manage alone and the newly minted First Father really did need a companion. Fetching one home for him was a social duty every bit as much as riveting their place in the larger intra-galactic community was.  


Her musings were interrupted by an alert that made her frill snap up with surprise and confusion. It was one she only heard rarely and she scrambled to snatch up her comm without spilling the infusion. She licked her eyes rapidly and her antenna flicked in consternation. Emergency  psychiatry meetings  were not something she had even fathomed existing before she began working off world, but they did in fact exist as prolonged exposure to humans had taught her.

“Second Sister,” she announced into the comm after taking a moment to force her voice down into the universal tones.


“Thank the Mother Song!” chattered a voice that was not so modulated at all. “You will not believe what I just saw one of the humans-“


“Please meet me in the private consulting room,” Second Sister said putting as much sternness into her tone as she could.


The voice on the other end continued to chitter and she stood and began striding briskly towards the point of origin as indicated by the comm display. She almost envied the amount of emotion other species could put into their purely audio speech. Even vid comms didn’t properly convey body language. For instance, she rounded the corner on the blathering Shatar who had contacted her and arched to her full height, flaring her rather large frill, and extending her antenna straight up.


The caller, a Fourteenth Sister from a  mechanical colony immediately dropped into a submissive position and her trembling tactically calmed.


“Now,” Second Sister said, curling her antenna tightly in firmness, “please come into my consulting room immediately.”


Fourteenth Sister meekly proceeded her into the alcove and eased into a seat. Second Sister followed her and composed her own kinesthetics  into a broadcast of sympathetic attention as she had been taught. Within she was rather exasperated with the display. Even a teen sibling should have better control than this. Whatever was the inciting incident she hopped her own Fourteenth Sister would be calmer in such a situation.


“It was a human!” this Fourteenth Sister finally blurted out her collar flaring in distress. “He was peeling off his skin!”


Second Sister started in amazement.


“Did you report this to the proper medical personnel?” she demanded, revising her opinion of the other Shatar’s mental state.


“I did! I did!” Fourteenth Sister went on, her antenna rubbing spasmodically in a cleaning gesture. “Of course I did! He fussed at me for being overly dramatic but-“


Second Sister silenced her with a raised hand.


“Is the human in question receiving proper medical care?” she asked.


“Yes, yes,” Fourteenth Sister said.


“Then please start at the beginning of your story,” Second Sister ordered. “We are here for your sake, not his.”


“Yes, I was,” Fourteenth Sister began. “I was gathering up the sample of the detritus in the outer airlock as part of the grist survey. One of the humans came in, Second Field Ranger, I think I mean Ranger Mihata?”


“That is how they prefer to be addressed,” Second Sister agreed.


“Well Ranger Mihata entered and cleaned his, those foot armor they call boots,” Fourteenth Sister went on, “cleaned his boots in the required way and before he put on his base foot coverings sat down on the bench and twisted his limb up in that perfectly awful position they do when they want to examine their, what do you call them…”


“Soles of their feet,” Second Sister offered.


“Yes,” Fourteenth Sister flared out her neck frill.


 “Why can’t they just be normal and look over their shoulders like we do?” she demanded. “I know they can. I’ve seen humans do that!”


“What did he do then?” Second Sister pressed.


“He looked at the soles of his feet and then,” Fourteenth Sister twitched from talon to antenna tip for a moment before she went on. “He gave a grunt, I think of dissatisfaction from the way his fleshy face was all contorted. Then he reached down and grabbed a loose flap of flesh-“


“Humans don’t have loose flaps of flesh on the soles of their feet!” Second Sister interjected with rising horror.


“Not when healthy,” Fourteenth Sister replied. “Anyway he grabbed it and pulled.”


Second Sister began twitching herself at that mental image.


“He pulled and pulled until a strip of pale dead skin as long as my talon came off and fell to the floor of the airlock,” Fourteenth Sister went on with a set of horrified fascination to her antenna. “I must have made some noise because he glanced over at me and grinned. He assured me that he was just sloughing dead skin cells but those strips were nearly half a mil thick! Then -”


Fourteenth Sister gave a near convulsive twitch.


“Then he pulled at another and he bleed when it detached!” She burst out. “I clicked my distress and summoned the emergency medical techs. He yelled at me as I left that I was being nonsensical but-“ she gave another full body twitch and held still.

​
Second Sister, by an almighty act of will held herself in a calming position and began the usually soothing formula she had developed for this situation. However her true focus was far from the work she was doing. Yes, that First Brother the next colony over was looking mighty good. 

Humans are Weird IRL - Gaining Access 

Me in my best Ranger Voice: It really is a fascinating question. As a scientist I am bound to precise accuracy, but one must bow to common usage in many ways. I had quite the row with a co-worker this morning when she very pointedly said she was accessing the internet. Now I know she knows better but just to be sure I described the traditional use of access as a noun and how using it as a verb was a perversion of the late twentieth century. All this did was inspire her to make direct eye contact with me before stating that she was accessing the internet.  I calmly but firmly replied that she was gaining access. 

Glassy Eyed Tourist: But..I just asked what you were doing out here on the roadside in the snow....

Me: Oh, well that was when my boss kicked me out of the office. 

Thank you all so much for your updoots and feedback. It gives me the will to go on. Want to see more? Think about becoming a Patreon.  Tea refuses to buy itself and the more time one has to spend on a day job the less time there is for befuddled aliens. 


Humans are Weird – Call and Response


For one blessed day the shared data processing space on the integrated base had been calm, quiet, and in general an efficient work zone. The room was a massive dome to accommodate the bipedal members of the survey teams. Four gently murmuring streams divided the workspace into quarters that circled the central ponds. The ceiling was a network of exposed struts that contained and concealed the Winged’s offices. Certain patches, equidistant from the water, glowed comfortingly in the infrared spectrum.
It was on one of these that Observer Grisssk lounged. The warming stone might have been clawed specifically for him for how comfortable it was. His claws tapped lightly over the screen as he entered the rough data for the final observation he had taken. He still had to write a report for each of the bare-bones datasets, but at last, the neigh impossible task seemed manageable.
“It’s not easy being an Observer,” he growled to himself.
He took pains to pitch his voice to low for any of his colleagues to hear. He was no grumbling hatchling who needed a nice rub over his eyeridges to calm down. Given the humans were exceptionally good at that sort of thing but these were working hours and he had a professional reputation to maintain. Still one did need to vent their gasses before they turned to flame. His tongue flicked over the points of his teeth as he closed the file and leisurely stretched his tail.
Being an Observer on a base that contained seven separate species, living and working together was very trying. Every time he saw what he suspected to be a previously undescribed behavior he had to note it down. Hopefully one of the cracked-skulls at the University would be able to make a proper scientific study off of his notes.  He ran a critical yellow eye over the busily working researchers. To his immense relief he noted nothing that he had not noted before.
He pulled out his datapad scored for continuing observations and rested it comfortably under one claw. There was the Winged nutritionist flitting off for his rest period. There was the Shatar linguist gently nudging her smaller mate out of their work space. There was-
“She turned me into a newt!” A human voice declared from some dark corner of the room.
Silence broken only by the soft lapping of the water followed and then in the same warped human voice but from a different corner.
“I got bettah’!”
Raucous laughter burst from the clawcluster of humans in the room and even the slim, male Shatar shook his antenna in mildly amused annoyance before walking off. The laughter died down and the humans went back to their work without another word. Grisssk rubbed his clenched claws over his eye ridges and gave a tired sigh. He pulled out the new reports section and sent out a prayer that the University would send him an assistant. 

​Humans are Weird – Kiddie Class

“So, anyway,” Fifth Ranger was explaining as he gestured at the broad expanse of skin he had exposed along his abdomen. “That was the day we were doing our stop-drop-and-roll drills. By the time it was my turn to roll I’d completely forgotten about the bottle I’d hidden and it broke from the fall. I sure remembered the bottle fast when the glass broke. But I knew I shouldn’t have had it under there so I didn’t cry or let the teacher’s know what had happened until the cuts had bled through my shirt and the teachers saw.”
“Fascinating,”  Fourth Cousin said. “You genuinely did not consider massive laceration  to your dermal surface a problem?”
“Not one worth getting in trouble for,” Fifth Ranger said with a shrug. “But, hey. I was just a kid. My brain wasn’t firing on all cylinders. If you know what I mean.”
“I am constantly amazed by how casual you mammals are about damage to your outer membrane,” Fourth Cousin said shaking her head as her antennas twitched.
“Our skin’s designed to take a beating,” Fifth Ranger replied. “It’s not that big of a deal. Biological differences and all that.”
“So what is a stop-drop-and-roll drill?” Fourth Cousin asked.
“Training on what to do if our clothes catch fire,” Fifth Ranger said. “It’s about how to smother the flames.”
Fourth Cousin’s antenna curled in horror and her frill dropped to press against her neck. Fifth Ranger’s lips quirked in a sign of amusement and he tilted his head to the side.
“Just out of curiosity,” he said. “What about that horrified you?”
“Your training,” she said slowly as her frill began to flutter in confusion. “Assumes that small children will catch fire…”
“Accidents do happen,” He said with a shrug .
“Did you ever catch fire?” She asked.
“Well no,” he replied. “But I know what to do if I did.” 

Humans are Weird – Much in Common

​“It is a shame,”  Rollsaround commented as he swam easily along the aquatic third of the corrider .
“What’s a shame Rolls?” Human Friend Gabby asked.
“That you and the only other human on base have so little in common,” Rollsaround said in a sad tone.
Gabby’s bipedal, falling tread caught and then stopped as she glanced at him. Her face contorted in confusion wrinkles and her head tilted to the side as she tried to fix her hearing on him.
“Say what now?” she finally articulated.
He rolled and swam back to her. He thrust over half of his mass out of the water so she could hear him more clearly.
“I said, it is a shame that you and the only other human on base have so little in common,” he repeated.
“Alex?” Human Friend Gabby said. “What are you talking about we have tons in common.”
“Really?” Rollsaround stiffened in surprise.
“We are the same age,” Gabby said holding up one of her adorably short segmented hand appandages. “We have basically the same higher education degree. Heck, just having a degree gives us a lot more in common than most humans. We have basically the same ethnic makeup. She dresses and grooms basically the same way that I do. Honestly I’m thinking of having our genetics compared because it wouldn’t surprise me at all if we were fairly close cousins one way or another. We have tons in common. What on Earth gave you the idea we didn’t have much in common?”
“But,” Rollsaround gave a frustrated roll. “You argue over every topic you discuss.”
Gabby narrowed the fleshy flaps over her binocular eyes and pressed the fleshy flaps over her teeth. 
“That?” She finally asked. “That is just more of us being the same. We have the same contrary sense of humor. You have noted that most of our contradictory statements are utterly, well mad basically.”
“I had noted,” Rollsaround said cautiously. “I assumed your fury with each other simply impaired your reasoning capacity.”
“Huh,” Human Friend Gabby’s stripes flushed with a sudden concern. “If it’s freaking out the base I suppose we can rein it in.”
“That might be advisable,” Rollsaround admitted.
“Well thanks for bringing it up Rolls,” Human Friend Gabby said with a wave. “I wouldn’t have wanted our verbal sparring to interfere with the function of the base. Someone might have called in the counselors or some nonsense like that.”
“We wouldn’t want that,” Rollsaround said quickly. “I will see you tomorrow Human Friend Gabby.”
He ducked under the surface of the water and accelerated towards his office. He might be just in time to delete the message to the Core Intraspecies Counseling Office before the next data dump. 

Humans are Weird – Have a Nice Trip


“Human Friend Steve?”  Rollsaround asked  cautiously.
The human had just folded himself around a piece of furniture called a chair and was staring intently at another human across the room. Human Friend Steve was also vibrating. This might be a sign of either distress or suppressed humor. The way his face was warped, revealing his disturbingly sharp flesh rending teeth, suggested the latter but Rollsaround wanted to be sure.
“Yeah Rolls?” Human Friend Steve replied without turning his eyes away from the other human.
“Are you amused?” Rollsaround asked.
“I am sure about to be,” Human Friend Steve replied, his entire body hitching up as he surprised his laughter.  
“Pardon my ignorance,” Rollsaround pressed. “You are displaying symptoms of humor now…are you not amused?”
Human Friend Steve glanced at him and the rings of exposed muscle in his eyes relaxed in the sign that his focus was turned towards his core.
“Well,” he said slowly. “I did a thing, that will result  in my being amused, and so I am forecasting the result of my actions in my head, and amused at that…anticipatory amusement I guess.”
“May I ask what this action was,” Rollsaround asked. “So that I may share in this anticipatory amusement?”
The muscle rings tightened again as Human Friend Steve focused on him and the vibrations stilled as he turned thoughtful.
“Better not,” Human Friend Steve said slowly. “Plausible deniability and all that. Just enjoy it when it happens.”
Human Friend Steve’s eyes and attention turned back to the human he was watching and Rollsaround mulled over his words. The Undulates appendages tightened in concern.
“Human Friend Steve,” he finally asked. “Do you mean-“
His question was cut off as the other human stood, and the slow, constant fall that formed the species distinctive locomotion cut to one swift fall and the human’s massive body impacted the floor with a shock that was probably felt over the entire base.  The human gave one or two great gasps of air.
“I’m fine!” the human announced to the room at large. “Fine.”
Human Friend Steve was bent double with laughing and slapping his legs.
“That human normally speaks in a much lower register,” Rollsaround noted. “Perhaps their self diagnosis is faulty?”
“Really,” the human gasped. “I’m fine.”
His voice was quickly lowering to a normal pitch, but it suddenly increased in volume.
“Slag it all-Steve!” the other human roared out as he struggled to a sitting position.
“Can’t prove it was me,” Human Friend Steve sang out in a cheerful tone. “Besides, if you wear lace up boots in this day and age you have to expect the consequences!”
“I’ll show you consequences!” the other human positively roared as his fingers worked the ties to his boots.
“See you around Rolls!” Human Friend Steve called out as he rose from his chair. “I suddenly feel that the other side of the base is much healthier at the moment.” 

Humans are Weird - Due Date

“Can’t tonight Trills,” Susan said as she swept a handful of protein bars into one of her over large pockets. “I got a deadline.”

Ten-Trills ran a quick hook over his sensory horns to hide his offense. She had given him an open invitation to use her pockets for mid-day nesting and then she kept them in such disorder. It was very confusing.

“I am sorry to hear that,” Ten-Trills informed her when he had his fur smoothed. “Did the central coordinators send you another emergency packet?”

“Nah,” Susan said as she selected a rather worrying number of stimulants from those displayed on the counter. “It’s just that report on the protein yields on that hybrid from Tau Gamma Seven.”

“Were you not assigned that report six months ago?” Ten- Trills asked.

“Yeah,” Susan said as she tossed a final muffin into her pockets. “But it’s not done till tonight at midnight.”

“How much do you have left to do?” Ten-Trills asked.

“Enough to keep me busy till midnight,” Susan said as she strode out of the room. “See you tomorrow Trills.”
​
Ten-Trills watched her go as he mulled over the many recreational hours they had spent together at Susan’s behest. Hopefully there would not be too many crumbs in her pockets when she, hopefully, finished her report.