Humans are Weird – Percentage


“Hey little bud I’m headed out for a little R  and R,” Dr. Sharon called out as he passed the main bio-chemistry lab. “Want me to grab you some rockrat samples while I’m out there?”
​
The only response from the lab was a distracted hum and Dr. Sharon frowned and strode over to the open door. He poked his head in to see the Undulate he was addressing slumped against one of a pair of two-litter sample jugs labeled ‘solvent’ running his appendages over about a dozen sealed vials.
“Rolls?” Dr. Sharon asked again.
“Yes, Human Friend Sharon?” Rollscarefully finally replied.
“Want me to grab you some rockrat samples?” Dr. Sharon asked.
“Please do,” Rollscarefully replied with an absent wave of an appendage.
“Something bothering you lil bud?” Dr. Sharon asked, ambling into the lab.
“These containers of ethanol concentrate arrived without proper labeling,” Rollscarefully explained, indicating the vats leaning against the far wall. “The manifest says one is a sixty percent solution and the others are all ten percent solution. I tapped them for samples but all of the equipment capable of testing the concentration is in use on priority projects.”
“So you just need to know which of those little vials is the strong stuff?” Dr. Sharon asked, strolling up to the Undulate.
“Yes, however-” Rollscarefully began.
“Get me a napkin and I can figure it out for you real quick,” Dr. Sharon said with a cheerful grin.
“Ah, thank you,” Rollscarefully said.
He slipped eagerly over to the cabinet that held the cleaning supplies.
“I didn’t know that you were able to use the absorbent materials for that purpose. Is it your limited visual range that-“
Rollscarefully stopped suddenly with the white napkin held in an upraised appendage.  Every appendage suddenly extended in horror as Dr. Sharon tossed the fifth vial of ethanol concentrate into his mouth. Three empty vials were held loosely in his other hand. Dr. Sharon smacked his lips and held up the vial with a satisfied smile.
“That’s the one!” he said with a nod. “Near ninety proof.”
He tossed the fourth vial to the side and returned the other three to their holders. He strolled past Rollscarefully and plucked the napkin out of his appendage.
“You’re welcome lil’ bud,” Dr. Sharon said cheerfully. “I’ll get you those rockrats by tonight.”
Several minutes after he had strolled out of the door Rollscarefully shook himself and hurried over to the comm unit.
“I need to talk to a medic who knows human biochemistry now!” Rollscarefully cried into the comm. 

Humans are Weird – Pacing

“Commander Grrank,” the voice of the security officer cracked over the comm, interrupting Commander’s Grranks review of the latest inventory.
“Yes Captain Graln?” He responded, reaching over to scratch the microphone on.
“There has been a manual security alert in the primary corridor,” Captain Graln said slowly.
Too slowly.
“Are you at optimal temperature Captain?” Commander Grrank demanded, narrowing his nostrils in concern.
“Perhaps my thoughts are not,” Captain Graln replied.
But Commander Grrank could hear his security officer shake himself and began speaking more briskly. 
“The security alert. I have never seen this exact pattern.” Captain Graln explained.
“What is the pattern?” The commander asked.
“Five diamonds over mesh.”  Captain Graln answered, his teeth grinding together in confusion.
Commander Grrank remained silent, waiting for the rest of the pattern but Captain Graln remained still.
“All I can gather from that,” Commander Grrank, finally replied. “Is that the ranking officer, namely me, needs to deal with this personally.”
“That was my conclusion as well,” Captain Graln agreed.
“Who reported this?” Commander Grrank asked as he slipped off his couch and pulled his utility harness over his shoulders.
“It is a community report,” Captain Graln replied.
“So who reported it?” Commander Grrank asked, flicking his nostrils in annoyance.
“All of them,” Captain Graln answered.
“All of them,” Commander Grrank repeated.
“Every member of the base who isn’t you, me, or that private who is stuck in med-bay for frost-bite.” Captain Graln assured him.
“And what is the location of the disturbance?” Commander Grrank asked.
“The main corridor,” Captain Graln replied.
Commander Grrank stopped in front of the door and ran his clenched claws over the scales on his forehead.
“Where in the main corridor?” he asked.
“It’s full length,” Captain Graln  said.
Commander Grrank stopped and narrowed his nostrils again.
“Is the human involved?” he asked.
“Oh yes,” Captain Graln said. “The human was the other one who didn’t report the event.”
“The scent thickens,” Commander Grrank muttered as he stalked through the door.
He found the disturbance easily enough. He had to all but climb over three geologists who were crouched in the door that led to the main corridor. They were apparently fascinated by the source of a rhythmic thumping sound that was passing up and down the corridor. The source of the sound was the human biologist who had been assigned to the base. He was clutching a data pad in one of his hands, glancing at it occasionally as he fell down the corridor.
“It think it must be true that they have a secondary brain in their lower spinal column to control their bipedal walking,” one of the geologists observed.
“Do you think that the secondary brain took over his physical functions while the main brain was distracted by preparing for the conference?” Commander Grrank asked as he followed the human’s movements with one eye.
“There is no secondary brain,” another of the geologists snapped. “That is a myth.”
“Then why would the primary brain be dictating this behavior?” the first asked.
Commander Grrank gave a grumble of irritation and thrust his forequarters out into the corridor.
“Human!” he barked out, pumping extra power into his vocal chords.
The human kept walking for several paces before he slowed. His head rotated slowly and his predatory binocular eyes swept the higher levels of the corridor blankly for the disturbance.
“Human!” the commander barked again.
The human seemed to focus on the sounds and rotated his body to blink slowly at the commander. They stared at each over for several long moments before the commander spoke.
“What are you doing human?” he demanded.
“I’m,” the human paused, reaching up to sweep his fibrous radiation scales away from his eyes, “I’m just prepping for the presentation.” He replied.
“Does this require you to take up the entire main corridor?” Commander Grrank demanded.
The human stared at him for several long moments. The round eyes unfocused and the head bobbed.
“Yeah, pacing helps me get my thoughts together,” the human finally replied.
Commander Grrank eyed him skeptically.
“Do you think you could do this pacing during the night cycle?” he suggested. “You are making the corridor unusable for your fellow scientists.”
“No,” the human shook his head slowly. “I need to get this done…but I can do it outside!”
“Outside,”  the commander said. “Where the temperature is currently well below the freezing point of your blood.”
“Yeah, yeah,” the human said with a wave of one of his wide, flat hands. “I’ll put on a coat and hat, and all that.”
“I cannot allow-“ Commander Grrank began.
“No, no it’s cool,” the human said as he headed for the exit lock. “The pacing will keep me warm. Warm blooded and all that. Cheers.”
Dozens of pointed green noses poked out of doors and dozens of amber eyes stared after the human as he passed through the inner airlock door. Then they turned in confusion on the commander.
“Are we going to allow that?” the medic asked.
“How do you propose we stop that?” Commander Grrank indicated the sealed door with a flick of his tail. “Warm blooded and all that indeed.”

Humans are Weird – Debatable

​
“Pardon me, Commander,” Seventh Sister began as she approached the central data processing center for the base.  
The Trisk Commander was busily collecting and analyzing the many data points the researchers had brought in that day. Seventh Sister waited patiently for the Trisk to notice her greeting and respond. Finally the small alien turned his body so his primary eyes focused on her. His appendages, which had been busily working away at the console grew respectfully still and curled under his body.
“How may I serve your needs Seventh Sister?” the Commander asked.  
“I am concerned that the humans are engaging in an argument in the recreational room,” she said, working the concepts out carefully. “They are consistently  increasing their volume.”
The commander slumped and brushed his primary eyes in what she assumed was a sign of frustration.
“Let us look into the matter,” he said.
“I believe the security cameras will be sufficient to view what is occurring,” Seventh Sister offered as he turned to one of his screens.
“That probably won’t be necessary,” the Trisk said as he pulled up a schedule. “Yes, there it is. This should explain the situation.”
He altered the light projection so it fell fully into her range and indicated a scheduled group activity that was currently unfolding in the recreational room. Seventh Sister leaned forward and considered the information. Her mandibles clicked and her neck frill twitched uneasily.
“It says that it is a theoretical discussion,” she observed.
“Yes,” the Commander said. “Do note the topic.”
“If I am reading this correctly,” she said. “It is in regards to a…non-existent species, and they are debating the capacity of said non-existent species to engage in mêlée combat with humans … using primitive weapons from a past era.”
“You have summarized the situation well,” the Commander said. “Now do you understand?”
She stared at him for several long moments, tilting her head from side to side.
“I do not,” she finally confessed.
“Neither do I,” the Commander said waving his main gripping appendage dismissively. “However the human who organized this discussion assured me that these aggression displays are normal and security is not to intervene unless their internal fluids start to escape their external membranes.”
“Is there truly a chance of physical altercation resulting over a theoretical discussion?” Seventh Sister demanded.
“Why did you come in here to report the situation?” the Commander asked.
“I was concerned about the levels of aggression displayed,” she replied. “I see.”
They stood in companionable confusion for several long moments. Finally the commander spoke.
“I am monitoring their vital signs,” he assured her, “and I will intervene if the situation, ‘comes to blows’, as they say, but when this particular cadre of humans arrived I was informed that situations like this would occur from time to time, and while altercations would be frequent actual physical violence would be rare. If you wish to educate yourself on the behaviors in question I could give you the search terms that the central University sent me.”
“I would appreciate that,” she said, her frill relaxing in relief.
“Apparently,” the Commander said as he gathered the data to send to her. “These are a sub-species of humans known as ‘geeks’.”  
 
 

Humans are Weird – What’s Your Poison
         

​       “This species alone could move this planet into an entirely different classification,” Quilx’tch was saying with delight. Look at that protein profile. Why, even the Hellbats could draw sustenance from this plant with little effort.”
“So what’s the poison?” the human asked idly as they stared at the glowing display of the flower on the screen.
Quilx’tch turned to regard the human, awaiting further clarification. The human was intently studying the corolla however and the seconds ticked by well past even Trisk standards of politeness before the human noticed that Quilx’tch hadn’t responded yet and glanced down at him. The human’s face was expectant the nutritional anthropologist realized.
“Forgive me,” Quilx’tch said. “I do not understand the question.”
“What poison does the plant carry?” the human asked, gesturing at the delicate flower on the display.
“I have just listed off its entire nutrient profile,” Quilx’tch stated in confusion. “There is nothing in that plant that either your specie or mine would find poisonous.”
“No poison?” the human asked, his expression broadening in surprise. “None at all?”
“No,” Quilx’tch replied after letting the normal six seconds pass by. “Why would I suggest a plant known to be poisonous-”
“But with a nutrient profile like that. Just so much good stuff all in one place-“ the human interrupted him and then paused with a frown. “Oh. Is it fiber then?”
“Did you just interrupt yourself?” Quilx’tch demanded after a moment.
“What?” the human asked, staring at him, the soft, fleshy eye coverings shuttering rapidly over his eyes.
They stared at each other in confusion a moment before Quilx’tch gave up.
“Fiber?” Quilx’tch fixed on the last item that made some sense. “Yes. It has the normal amount for a terrestrial species. I have listed it here-“
“Nah,” the human interjected with a frown. “That’s not it. Not nearly enough.”
Quilx’tch tried to process that and formulate a question to ask but the human went on.
“Thorns then?” the human asked.
“Thorns?” Quilx’tch asked, raising an appendage in a request for clarification.   
“The plant,” the human said. “Does it have thorns?”
“No.” Quilx’tch replied. “I examined-“
“Hairs then?” the human pressed. “Enough hair will do it.”
Quilx’tch realized with a spark of hope that he was missing a vital component of whatever conversation the human thought they were having. If he could only find out what the human was truly after-
“No, no hairs,” the human concluded, focusing in on the stem. “It’s gotta be here somewhere. Maybe a geographical defense then. Does it only grow in super remote places?”
“It grows commonly over the majority of the landmasses,” Quilx’tch stated, but a light was dawning in his thoughts.
“Maybe just a little toxin on the leaf tips,” the human was muttering as he turned the image this way and that.
“Human Coworker Bob,” Quilx’tch began, “why are you so convinced that this plant must have some drastic defense mechanism?”
“Because there’s no such thing as a free lunch,” the human said, his face stiffening in a grim look. “No plant makes itself this nutritious and delicious without defending itself from predation. Trust me, there will be barbs, or toxin tipped spines, or, or something.”
Quilx’tch pondered this as he began composing a note. Paranoia was really outside of his field but the psychologists would be glad of any observations. 

Buzz Off - An Ode To Spring
​

Humans are Weird - A Very Social Club


“And this is the entry way. They do press releases here,” Human Friend Steve was saying as he waved his hand around the structured cavern of metamorphic rock. “And here is the rotunda. Supposedly the capstone was brought from Earth itself.”
“May I go inspect it?” Forty-seventh Click asked.
“Sure thing little guy,” Human Friend Steve said with a grin. “You have full run, ah flight of the place. No wasps on this planet.”
Forty-seventh Click shivered and smoothed his fur at the reminder and took off. The central block of metamorphic stone was a distinct color from the surrounding sections. He fluttered up and gently rubbed his sensory horns against the surface. It was artificially smoothed by a primitive machine process. It carried the scents of generations of collection of dust and moisture. It was an impressive central piece to center such an important building around.
“Yo! Forty-seven!” Human Friend Steve called out. “The senate is in recess so we have twenty minutes to see the hall.”
Forty-seventh Click abandoned his inspection of the central stone and landed on Human Friend Steve’s head.
“Those are the seats so the senate can rest. The media sits down there,” Steve was explaining.
“Why are the seats covered in fur-mimic?” Forty-seventh Click interrupted.
“Uh…fancy pants stuff?” Human Friend Steve said in the tone that suggested it was more of a guess. “It looks nice? Oh! And human skin doesn’t stick to velvet in the summer!”
“Velvet,” Forty-seventh Click muttered. “I’ll look it up later.”
“Great-“ Human Friend Steve went on, “now-”
“What is that shiny thing?” Forty-seventh Click asked.
“Lots of shiny things in the room,” Human Friend Steve pointed out.
“Over there,” Forty-seventh Click latched his winghook into the human’s ear and turned his head to the dais that displayed the item in question.
“Oh that!” Human Friend Steve’s face lit up with childish delight.  “That’s the Mace of the Republic! It came all the way from Earth too. The House back on Earth gifted it to the House here on Centauri.”
“Isn’t a mace a heavy combat weapon?” Forty-seventh  Click demanded. “Specifically isn’t it the kind that Great Warrior Eustace forged from the roots of the bronze trees to arm the botanical expedition in the Battle of the  Fanged Horror?”
“Yup,” Human Friend Steve nodded eagerly. “Only this one is made of metal so it has way more heft.”
“Why is a heavy combat weapon kept in an easily accessible point in a legislative assembly?” Forty-seventh Click asked.
“For keeping order,” Human Friend Steve. “It represents the power and tradition of the state. It’s a tradition going back thousands and thousands of years; to the very first republics.”
“Oh,” Forty-seventh Click said, clicking in self depreciating amusement. “A representation of state power. Of course.”
“And then the Speaker of the House can use it to threaten unruly senators with a clubbing if they don’t listen,” Human Friend Steve stated.
“So you gather together the best and brightest, hopefully the most reasonable, humans to solve your problems,” Forty-seventh Click observed, “and when they become heated their elected leader beats them with a club.”
“Oh goodness no,” Human Friend Steve said with a laugh.
“I am glad I misunderstood,” Forty-seventh Click said in relief.
“No, no,” Human Friend Steve said as he pointed to the human guard standing in one corner. “She has the sergeant-at-arms do the actual threat and clubbing.”

This little lady got her beak stuck in the window screen of my room. It made her easy to catch and release. 

Researching the development and implementation of high definition television in relation to sensory issues led me to Google  the term - HD becomes commonplace. 
I was expecting to face the usual problem when googling common ideas, choosing between the near infinite references.
To my surprise the search I entered brought me no - 0 - relevant results on the first page. 
Only what you see above. 
"When Supernatural Battles Became Common Place"
Oh Google...
What is going on in your algorithms that my search for a simply early 'oughts date range for some basic tech brought me to this adorable manga? 
I have not searched the details yet but I think I did watch the anime way back when. Before it had an English title. I must read it now to be sure. 
Cheers. 
And if you were wondering when the presence of HD screens and broadcasting began to have negative effects on those of us with sensory issues you are out of luck. 
Blame Google. 

Humans are Weird – Connotations


​“These are some very, through, observations you have taken of the humans’ language patterns,” First Sister said as she examined the data.  “But I fail to comprehend the exact nature of your current research proposal.”
Twenty-seventh Cousin flicked her antenna in agreement the figure on the holo-display. She was all too aware how confusing the mass of data was.
“As you are well aware First Sister,” she said. “All known languages have two delineated meanings for each individual idea nodule.”
“At least two,” First Sister agreed.
“For humanity this manifests as the connotation or denotation of words,” Twenty-seventh Cousin went on, warming to her subject. “Each word has the assigned technical meaning, or the denotation, which can be expressed shortly and in writing, and a range of positive and negative associations which require a far greater range of expression to convey.”
First Sister spread her antenna in a request for an example.
“Devour and scarf, for instance, have identical denotation at the current point in time,” Twenty-seventh Cousin said. “They converged due to language drift fairly recently. They share the mildly negative connotation of being related to animalistic behavior, however the emotial resonance of devour is frightening and negative while the emotial resonance of scarf is humors and positive.”
First Sister flashed her neck frill in pleased acceptance of the explanation.
“That pair are fairly well understood,” Twenty-seventh Cousin went on, “but there is more study to be done in this area. I believe I have found a similarly matched set, but this one a complex phrase, where the denotations are identical, and the connotations are vastly different.”
“The far negative reaction being the one you are concerned about the Core University Institutional Review Board rejecting the study for,” First Sister said, one antenna bobbing slowly in understanding.
Twenty-seventh Cousin flared her frill in relief and confirmation.
“And you want me to aid you in formulating the study so it isn’t rejected,” First Sister went on thoughtfully.
Twenty-seventh Cousin tried to keep her antenna from twitching in excited anticipation like a newly emerged.
“I am afraid I can’t,” First Sister said with a very disappointed droop of her frill.
Twenty-seventh Cousin tried not to twitch in irritation. She well knew the first of her hive, and First Sister had no intention of disappointing her younger hivemate. However there was some mischief twitching at the end of her mandibles and Twenty-seventh Cousin knew better than to attempt to force the issue.
“I am disappointed,” she said tonelessly, playing along. “What am I to do?”
“Well,”  First Sister brushed back her antenna dramatically. “The duties of a newly mated are so many but I suppose-“
“The duties of a what?” Twenty-seventh Cousin’s frill snapped out to full and washed green with blood flow, her antenna positively danced and she even lost professional control of her voice, letting it shoot out of the common range into the native trill of her species.
First Sister clicked in mock surprise and flicked her mandibles to the side like an old matron.
“Weren’t you told dear one?” She asked in a calm and professional tone.
Only the rapid fluttering of her frill behind her neck gave her excitement away.
Twenty-seventh Cousin laid her antenna back in an emphatic negative.
“Well,” First Sister shook herself and gestured off screen. “As I was saying, I cannot attend to this at the moment but Second Brother here.”
An absolutely gorgeous male stepped into frame with her.  He was a smooth, creamy green all over with a brilliant red semi-frill around his neck coming to a point just over his thorax. His antenna were long and amazingly flexible, coming nearly to First Sister’s neck when alert with interest. His eyes were the color of amber, with facets so well defined that the Crystals of the Mother would have wept for envy. They were wide set as well. A human might have splayed out their hand full width to pat his head and not touched either eye with pinky or thumb. His mandibles positively gleamed with health when they moved. Which they were doing now.
Twenty-seventh Cousin started up and laid her antenna back in shame.
“Forgive me,” she said hurriedly. “I didn’t hear that. I was somewhat … surprised by the sudden-“
“So we saw,” First Sister said in a smug tone. “What my dear Second Brother was saying was that he would be glad to come personally and assist you with your study. He is a very proficient linguist and specializes in human, oh what is that strange organ term they use?”
“Tongues,” Second Brother offered with a shy flick of his supple antenna.
Twenty-seventh Cousin didn’t know if a frill could actually burst from pride but First Sister looked to be in severe danger of it.
“I would be glad to have his assistance,” Twenty-seventh Sister said with full sincerity.
Antenna paralyzing beauty aside, a University trained linguist would be just what she needed.
“But how can you spare him?” she asked.
“Given the cycle we won’t be stringing any lines in the garden for some time,” First Sister said with a dismissive flick of her antenna.
Second Brother ducked his head in embarrassment at the blunt statement, but his antenna were twitching with delight. First Sister nudged him pointedly with a foot joint.
“I really do think the time would be better spent getting to know the rest of the hive,” he said softly, “before I have too much responsibility to wander.”
Great Mother he has a voice like wind-chimes. Twenty-Seventh Cousin thought.
“That would be ideal,” she said.
She forcibly refocused her attention away from her new cousin and indicated the data. He leaned forward eagerly and read through it. He soon clicked in understanding.
“You will most likely want someone non-threatening to ask the questions,” he said. “I can do that.”
She clicked gratefully.
“That would be wonderful,” she said. “For some reason all the humans on this base are nervous around me.”
“Curious,” Second Brother said without taking his attention off of the data. “You have such a charming mandible set.”
“Be that as it may,” she replied. “I think you are will be a far better non-threatening questioner.”
“So the concept is,” he said as he finished the data, “is that I am to come up to individual humans while they are isolated, ask them one of two nearly identical questions, and record their emotive responses?”
Twenty-Seventh Cousin flicked her antenna in confirmation.
Second Brother clicked a few times as he prepared to us human speech. Then straitened and spoke.
“Human Friend, would you like to accompany me to my cottage in the forest?” He tried the first question.  “Human Friend would you like to accompany me to my cabin in the woods?”
He had an excellent grasp of the human language and both sentences were smooth.
“And you say that the first one is met with general positivity and the second with general fear and hostility?” He asked.
“It is more than that,” Twenty-seventh Cousin explained. “I showed the question set and he assured me the connotation set was pleasant and vague for the first but very specifically being hacked to death by an insane human after a prolonged pursuit for the second.”
Second Brother curled his antenna in horror.
“That is very specific for connotation,” he observed. “What could have caused that?”
 

​Humans are Weird – Darkly Chuckling  
“Do you remember that rule?” Five Clicks demanded as he darted into the biology lab.
Quilx’tch did not ignore the base commander; far from it. He was acutely aware of the Flighted’s presence as he carefully set his sample of solid animal protein in the crucible and eased it into the dehydration oven.  No, he did not ignore the base  commander as he fluttered maddeningly around overhead. He did however, chose not to respond until the timer was set and the sample was heating.
“To what rule do you refer?” Quilx’tch asked, once he had the freedom of movement to turn his primary eyes on Five Clicks.
“The one you taught me!” Five Clicks responded, landing so he could toss his wings up in exasperation. “About the humans, and giggling!”
Quilx’tch placed one gripping paw on the tertiary joint of its opposite limb and lightly tapped the paw of that limb just below his chelicerae. The gesture worked to get the humans to slow down and give one time to ponder and sometimes even influenced the Flighted.
“I believe I informed you that it was more of a suggestion than a rule,” Quilx’tch pointed out. “Also that it was only in an informal document.”
“That is not the vector!” Five Clicks snapped as he began darting around the room again. “One of the humans has been giggling for the past fifteen minutes!”
“What is he planning?” Quilx’tch asked, suddenly alert.
“I don’t know that he is planning anything!” Five Clicks declared. “By all appearences he is simply working on a duty report.”
Quilx’tch paused far longer than the normal six seconds to ponder this and for once the commander didn’t interrupt his musings. The threat of unknown human behavior was a great inducement to politeness Quilx’tch thought ruefully.
“This is concerning” Quilx’tch stated slowly. “Perhaps I should observe this behavior.”
“Oh thank the Mother!” Five Clicks said as he darted over to the nearest screen. “Here I have the security footage ready on the server for you to view. It should contain al the information you need.  I have accelerated the playback so that you can obtain an better  understanding of the central issue of the matter.”
Five Clicks went on even as he set the log to play back and Quil’tch was about ready to start pulling his own sensory hairs out in irritation when it really dawned on him what he was listening to.
“Stop the playback!” he snapped.
Five Clicks immediately fell silent and complied.
“Now,” Quilx’tch said, raising a gripping appendage. “Pay it forward at the normal speed.”
The sound played for a few seconds and Quilx’tch turned and darted out of the room. Five Clicks followed him instantly.
“What is wrong?” Five Clicks asked. “You are fluffed out like you just saw a hungry predator.”
“That isn’t giggling,” Quilc’tch said grimly. “Though I can understand your mistake. That is what the human call dark chuckling.”
“What is the difference?” Five Clicks asked, a note of true fear in his voice.
“Intent to cause inconvenient interruptions to daily life and intent to …”Quilx’tch stopped his statement. “We need to talk to this human immediately.”
“Very well,” Five clicks agreed.
They found the office where the human was working and the ominous sound was still being produced. Quilx’tch ignored protocol and dated past the privacy barrier, up the human’s leg, and only came to a stop when his physical presence interfered with the rapid typing of the human’s fingers on the keyboard.  The human stared down at him in mild surprise.
“Human Friend Steve!” Quilx’tch immediately began. “What are you dong?”
“Filling out those bull-ah-unnecessary reports that Central asked us for this morning,” the human said, tilting his head in surprise.
“And is this an amusing task?” Quilx’tch asked.
“Ah, are you okay little guy?”  Human Friend Steve asked with a frown. “It’s just you seem awful rushed-“
“Please just answer my question,” Quilx’tch cut in.
Five Clicks stared down at the interaction in wide eyed shock.
“Is it funny?’ Human Friend Steve repeated. “Well no. It is a huge waste of time if you ask me.”
“Then why are you chuckling darkly?” Quilx’tch demanded.
Human Friend Steve stared down at him blankly for a few moments.
“Was I?” He asked.
Quilx’tch indicated Five Clicks.
“Base Commander!” Human Friend Steve called out in surprise, leaping to his feet.
Five Clicks flew down without a word and landed on the consol, triggering the playback. Human Friend Steve listened intently and his face contorted in a sheepish grin.
“I guess I was,” he conceded. “Sorry for freaking you out.”
“Why?” Quilx’tch demanded. “We’re you chuckling darkly?”
Human Friend Steve flushed with embarrassment and  rubbed the back of his head.
“Well,” he said slowly. “You know those unnecessary reports we have to hand in by the end of today?”
“Yes,” Quilx’tch said suspiciously. “They are a deplorable waste of time are resources however the rest of the base was done with them by the end of the morning.”
“Well I figured a little turn about was fair play,” Human Friend Steve said with a grin.
“What do you mean?” Five Clicks asked.
“My report,” Human Friend Steve said as he bent under the table and pulled out a massive stack of printouts, “is here.”
He dropped them on the table and reached under for another.
“And here.”
He bent down yet again and pulled out a third stack.
“And here!” He declared gleefully. “They wanted detail? I’ll give them detail. Every data point, every calculation! Everything!”
His speech ended in a dark chuckle which in turn cascaded into a maniacal laugh.
“Everything!”
Quilx’tch relaxed in a slump and without bothering to respond walked out of the office. Five Clicks followed him with a final concerned glance back at the human.
“Well?” he demanded.
“I have work to do,” Quilx’tch said with a dismissive wave. “The situation has resolved itself semi-productively and dealing with the fallout of others’ interspecies bureaucracy is not my job.”
“How did the situation resolve itself?” Five Clicks demanded.
“From everything I have observed of Human Steve,” Quilx’tch said. “He will be content with his retaliatory actions. This base has nothing to fear.”
“What retaliatory actions?” Five Clicks demanded.
“You saw the raw mass of his report,” Quilx’tch said, “and you can speculate what kind of trouble that will cause for the much smaller mass of the official who requested it. Go to the human aggression database and look up malicious compliance. It will be informative.”