Humans are Weird – Have a Nice Trip


“Human Friend Steve?”  Rollsaround asked  cautiously.
The human had just folded himself around a piece of furniture called a chair and was staring intently at another human across the room. Human Friend Steve was also vibrating. This might be a sign of either distress or suppressed humor. The way his face was warped, revealing his disturbingly sharp flesh rending teeth, suggested the latter but Rollsaround wanted to be sure.
“Yeah Rolls?” Human Friend Steve replied without turning his eyes away from the other human.
“Are you amused?” Rollsaround asked.
“I am sure about to be,” Human Friend Steve replied, his entire body hitching up as he surprised his laughter.  
“Pardon my ignorance,” Rollsaround pressed. “You are displaying symptoms of humor now…are you not amused?”
Human Friend Steve glanced at him and the rings of exposed muscle in his eyes relaxed in the sign that his focus was turned towards his core.
“Well,” he said slowly. “I did a thing, that will result  in my being amused, and so I am forecasting the result of my actions in my head, and amused at that…anticipatory amusement I guess.”
“May I ask what this action was,” Rollsaround asked. “So that I may share in this anticipatory amusement?”
The muscle rings tightened again as Human Friend Steve focused on him and the vibrations stilled as he turned thoughtful.
“Better not,” Human Friend Steve said slowly. “Plausible deniability and all that. Just enjoy it when it happens.”
Human Friend Steve’s eyes and attention turned back to the human he was watching and Rollsaround mulled over his words. The Undulates appendages tightened in concern.
“Human Friend Steve,” he finally asked. “Do you mean-“
His question was cut off as the other human stood, and the slow, constant fall that formed the species distinctive locomotion cut to one swift fall and the human’s massive body impacted the floor with a shock that was probably felt over the entire base.  The human gave one or two great gasps of air.
“I’m fine!” the human announced to the room at large. “Fine.”
Human Friend Steve was bent double with laughing and slapping his legs.
“That human normally speaks in a much lower register,” Rollsaround noted. “Perhaps their self diagnosis is faulty?”
“Really,” the human gasped. “I’m fine.”
His voice was quickly lowering to a normal pitch, but it suddenly increased in volume.
“Slag it all-Steve!” the other human roared out as he struggled to a sitting position.
“Can’t prove it was me,” Human Friend Steve sang out in a cheerful tone. “Besides, if you wear lace up boots in this day and age you have to expect the consequences!”
“I’ll show you consequences!” the other human positively roared as his fingers worked the ties to his boots.
“See you around Rolls!” Human Friend Steve called out as he rose from his chair. “I suddenly feel that the other side of the base is much healthier at the moment.” 

Humans are Weird - Due Date

“Can’t tonight Trills,” Susan said as she swept a handful of protein bars into one of her over large pockets. “I got a deadline.”

Ten-Trills ran a quick hook over his sensory horns to hide his offense. She had given him an open invitation to use her pockets for mid-day nesting and then she kept them in such disorder. It was very confusing.

“I am sorry to hear that,” Ten-Trills informed her when he had his fur smoothed. “Did the central coordinators send you another emergency packet?”

“Nah,” Susan said as she selected a rather worrying number of stimulants from those displayed on the counter. “It’s just that report on the protein yields on that hybrid from Tau Gamma Seven.”

“Were you not assigned that report six months ago?” Ten- Trills asked.

“Yeah,” Susan said as she tossed a final muffin into her pockets. “But it’s not done till tonight at midnight.”

“How much do you have left to do?” Ten-Trills asked.

“Enough to keep me busy till midnight,” Susan said as she strode out of the room. “See you tomorrow Trills.”
​
Ten-Trills watched her go as he mulled over the many recreational hours they had spent together at Susan’s behest. Hopefully there would not be too many crumbs in her pockets when she, hopefully, finished her report. 

Humans are Weird – Jumpy
​
“Second Maintenance-“  Sixteenth Sister began.
The human who had been bent over the printer gave a wordless sound she had never heard before and leapt into the air, twisting around to face her. His feet slammed back into the floor with a thump and his hand came up to grip his chest over his central heart. His eyes dilated and his outer membrane flushed with increased blood flow. His powerful bi-pulmonary lungs forced the atmosphere through his flaring nostril membranes.
“Second Maintenance Assistant,” Sixteenth Sister tried again. “What has frightened you?”
Her own antenna and frill were extended to their full extent now but she could not detect any threat in the well lit maintenance bay.
“Nah,” the human said, drawing in a single great gasp of air that seemed to still the rest of the symptoms. “No threat. Just-“
He stood up and shook out his limbs.
“You just startled me is all,” he said, twisting his face into what she was assured was a friendly gesture.
“I, startled, you?” she asked in surprise, her frill slowly lowering as her antenna curled.
“Well,” he corrected himself as he glanced back at the item printing. “I got startled; wasn’t your fault at all. I was just really into watching this thing print and lost track of where I was.”
Sixteenth Sister stared at him as her antenna slowly curled and uncurled.
“Yeah so what’d ya want?” He asked with a grin.
“When will the gripping appendage be printed?” Sixteenth Sister asked.
“Bout twenty minutes,” he said.
“Very well,” Sixteenth Sister said, backing out of the room, “I will inform the interested parties.” 

Humans are Weird – Savage Corollary


​“Don’t you have to clear this with the ethics board before you do anything?” Forty-thee Trills asked as they perched together on one of the many arms of the communications array.
“Nope,” Tras’ktr replied as he adjusted the focus on the camera lens.
“But you are performing active scientific research on sentient beings,” Forty-three Trills pressed.
“No I am not,” Tras’ktr waved one of his free appendages in demonstration.
Demonstration of what Forty-three Trills wasn’t quite certain.
“How is this,” he gestured with his wing hook at the simple levers set up below them, “not  a scientific study?”
“Be still if you can!” Tras’ktr instructed. “Human Friend Jameson approached the target.”
Forty-three Trills huffed at the implied insult but went still, quite still thank you, to watch the human. Jameson was strolling towards the outdoor drink dispenser. It was a simple refrigeration unit that  kept added value nutrient fluids at optimum temperatures. Something that most species considered useful on warmer worlds but that humans insisted was absolutely necessary to moral. In front of the unit Tras’ktr had placed a contraption of serrated steel bands and various springs and levers.
“What did you say that artwork was supposed to mimic?” Forty-three Trills asked.
“The humans call it a bear trap,” Tras’ktr replied. “Now be still!”
Jameson had noted the mock trap and was frowning at it as he approached. He slowed to a stop and glanced around as if looking for some explanation. He attempted to reach over the device but found it exceeded his reach, leaving the drink unit controls just out of range of his fingers. There watched for several moments as the human tried various angles and positions before Jameson took a deep breath and stepped into the mock trap. The human gave one full body shudder and then let out a long breath when the device did not do whatever he had expected it to do. The human quickly extracted his drink before scampering out of the device. He stalked away glancing back at the device with a grin on his mouth but a nervous attention in his bifocal eyes.
“That was amusing,” Forty-three Trills admitted. “But how are you getting around the ethics board?”
“Something the humans taught me,” Tras’ktr said. “The principle is called the Savage Corollary. It’s not science if you don’t write it down.”

The title is self explanatory. I am not dead and I will make up the three week dead space to you this week. Look forward to the Monday, Wednesday, Friday updates! 

While out looking for plants to ID I found the Tree of Gondor on a stone in Deer Creek.

​Humans are Weird – Chocolate Cake

​
“Do you know why we called you in to talk today?”  Fifteenth Sister asked.
The human shifted uneasily in his chair and glanced anywhere but at her gleaming faceted eyes.
Fifteenth Sister made a quick mental check of her expression. She hoped she wasn’t displaying human aggression signals. Her mandibles rested in a closed but not tight position, her antenna were perked in interest, and her head was slightly tilted to the side to give her the best focus on the human.
“I really don’t,” the human finally said.
Fifteenth Sister flicked her antenna in acknowledgment.
“I am afraid that Amblesalong had some concerns about you health,” Fifteenth Sister informed him.
“Okay…” the human tightened the fleshy covering over his disconcerting single point eyes.
That meant he was focusing his attention on her, waiting for further information, she remembered.
“Yes,” Fifteenth Sister went on, “he was concerned that you had not reported intaking enough nutrients to maintain your health.”
“Dude,” the human muttered as his gaze dropped to his hands and the smooth expanse of his forehead wrinkled in a fascinating manner.
She took the totality of his reactions to me he was pondering this information.
“Don’t know where he gets off saying that,” the human finally said. “I’ve been eating plenty and I reported all of it in my daily log.”
“Here is your log,” Fifteenth Sister pulled up the table on the holographic display.
She was increasingly gratefully that their sight overlapped enough that they could share this most efficient display method.
“Can you confirm that these are the inputs you entered?” She asked.
“Yeah,” the human said after a moment. “That seems about right.”
“According to this,” Fifteenth Sister said. “You have consumed primarily simple, dead carbohydrates for the past three days.”
“Yeah,” the human bobbed his head vigorously in a manner that would have indicated serious neural dysfunction in a Shatar. “Since the party, we’ve been going through the remaining party food.”
“Amblesalong assures me that this is a wholly inadequate diet for your species,” Fifteenth Sister observed. “He even suggested that if you continued this pattern it could start showing serious medical effects within days.”
“Yeah well,” the human raised and lowered his shoulders, “the chocolate cake is almost gone so it’ll be fine. I mean I won’t get scurvy in three days.”
Fifteenth Sister felt her antenna curl in annoyance and worked to keep her frill level. She had been warned about human carelessness about their nutrient health. She would deal with this like a professional. 

​Humans are Weird – Schadenfreude
“May I see what you find amusing Human Friend Mack?” Quilx’tch asked.
Survey Core Ranger Mack Dodge shifted his tablet up so the Trisk could see the screen and invited Quilx’tch to perch on his shoulder. Quilx’tch scampered over and settled onto Mack’s shoulder.
“Just enjoying a little schadenfreude,” Human Friend Mack said. “I’ve been mentoring this idiot for months and his gravitational chickens just came home to roost.”
Quilx’tch mulled over how little those sentences meant to him as Human Friend Mack reset the video play.
“Could you please adjust the blue range light?” Quilx’tch requested.
“Oh? Right Quick Bud,” Mack said as his fingers flicked across the screen at the end of his massive limbs.
The light from the screen muted and the image clarified. It was of a human in the uniform of a Survey Core Ranger. He was clearly setting up some sort of sensor or collection device in a fairly complex patter in the middle of a forest clearing.
“Told ya the brackets couldn’t hold in a planetary well,” Human Friend Mack muttered.
Quilx’tch pondered that as he watched the playback. It was fairly clear from context that Human Friend Mack wasn’t talking to him. The video was clearly pre-recorded and no note recording function seemed to be active on the tab. Did humans normally attempt to converse with non-responsive media? However the scene depicted soon drew his full attention. The energetic overload lights on the sensors  began to flash and then one on the fringes began to smoke. The central sensor suddenly exploded in sparks and dropped like a stone, striking the human Ranger on his head.
Human Friend Mack burst into laughter, beginning with a hoot that startled Quilx’tch into standing.
“I told him he couldn’t by-guess-and-by-golly those repuslers,”  Human Friend Mack said within his laughter.
“Human Friend Mack!” Quilx’tch snipped out in shock. “Are you indulging in sadism?”
“Huh?” Human Friend Mack glanced down at Quilx’tch out of the corner of one eye. “Sadism? No, why?”
“Are you not taking great pleasure in that human’s suffering?” Quilx’tch asked.
“Well, yes,” Human Friend Mack admitted as he flicked his fingers to play the scene again.
“Isn’t that sadism,” Quilx’tch asked.
“No, no,” Human Friend Mack assured him. “Sadism is enjoying causing pain.”
“Do you have a name for the enjoyment you are experiencing at his pain now?” Quilx’tch asked.
“Oh yeah,” Human Friend Mack said with a grin, “we call this beauty of a situation schadenfreude.”
“And how does it differentiate from sadism?”Quilx’tch asked.
“Because I warned the idiot!” Human Friend Mack spat out. “I must have told him forty times that you have to sync the gyros to the exact gravity or they’ll pop. I went over the procedure with him as many times. Like I said, chickens.”
“So this, schadenfreude,” Quilx’tch said. “It is taking enjoyment out of failing to instruct your friends in safety procedures.”
“Nah,” Human Friend Mack said as he played the loop again, “just means enjoying the suffering of others. The ‘I told him so’ bit is just icing on the cake.”
Quilx’tch counted up the number of colloquialisms and decided that perusal wasn’t worth it.
 

Humans are Weird – Percentage


“Hey little bud I’m headed out for a little R  and R,” Dr. Sharon called out as he passed the main bio-chemistry lab. “Want me to grab you some rockrat samples while I’m out there?”
​
The only response from the lab was a distracted hum and Dr. Sharon frowned and strode over to the open door. He poked his head in to see the Undulate he was addressing slumped against one of a pair of two-litter sample jugs labeled ‘solvent’ running his appendages over about a dozen sealed vials.
“Rolls?” Dr. Sharon asked again.
“Yes, Human Friend Sharon?” Rollscarefully finally replied.
“Want me to grab you some rockrat samples?” Dr. Sharon asked.
“Please do,” Rollscarefully replied with an absent wave of an appendage.
“Something bothering you lil bud?” Dr. Sharon asked, ambling into the lab.
“These containers of ethanol concentrate arrived without proper labeling,” Rollscarefully explained, indicating the vats leaning against the far wall. “The manifest says one is a sixty percent solution and the others are all ten percent solution. I tapped them for samples but all of the equipment capable of testing the concentration is in use on priority projects.”
“So you just need to know which of those little vials is the strong stuff?” Dr. Sharon asked, strolling up to the Undulate.
“Yes, however-” Rollscarefully began.
“Get me a napkin and I can figure it out for you real quick,” Dr. Sharon said with a cheerful grin.
“Ah, thank you,” Rollscarefully said.
He slipped eagerly over to the cabinet that held the cleaning supplies.
“I didn’t know that you were able to use the absorbent materials for that purpose. Is it your limited visual range that-“
Rollscarefully stopped suddenly with the white napkin held in an upraised appendage.  Every appendage suddenly extended in horror as Dr. Sharon tossed the fifth vial of ethanol concentrate into his mouth. Three empty vials were held loosely in his other hand. Dr. Sharon smacked his lips and held up the vial with a satisfied smile.
“That’s the one!” he said with a nod. “Near ninety proof.”
He tossed the fourth vial to the side and returned the other three to their holders. He strolled past Rollscarefully and plucked the napkin out of his appendage.
“You’re welcome lil’ bud,” Dr. Sharon said cheerfully. “I’ll get you those rockrats by tonight.”
Several minutes after he had strolled out of the door Rollscarefully shook himself and hurried over to the comm unit.
“I need to talk to a medic who knows human biochemistry now!” Rollscarefully cried into the comm. 

Humans are Weird – Pacing

“Commander Grrank,” the voice of the security officer cracked over the comm, interrupting Commander’s Grranks review of the latest inventory.
“Yes Captain Graln?” He responded, reaching over to scratch the microphone on.
“There has been a manual security alert in the primary corridor,” Captain Graln said slowly.
Too slowly.
“Are you at optimal temperature Captain?” Commander Grrank demanded, narrowing his nostrils in concern.
“Perhaps my thoughts are not,” Captain Graln replied.
But Commander Grrank could hear his security officer shake himself and began speaking more briskly. 
“The security alert. I have never seen this exact pattern.” Captain Graln explained.
“What is the pattern?” The commander asked.
“Five diamonds over mesh.”  Captain Graln answered, his teeth grinding together in confusion.
Commander Grrank remained silent, waiting for the rest of the pattern but Captain Graln remained still.
“All I can gather from that,” Commander Grrank, finally replied. “Is that the ranking officer, namely me, needs to deal with this personally.”
“That was my conclusion as well,” Captain Graln agreed.
“Who reported this?” Commander Grrank asked as he slipped off his couch and pulled his utility harness over his shoulders.
“It is a community report,” Captain Graln replied.
“So who reported it?” Commander Grrank asked, flicking his nostrils in annoyance.
“All of them,” Captain Graln answered.
“All of them,” Commander Grrank repeated.
“Every member of the base who isn’t you, me, or that private who is stuck in med-bay for frost-bite.” Captain Graln assured him.
“And what is the location of the disturbance?” Commander Grrank asked.
“The main corridor,” Captain Graln replied.
Commander Grrank stopped in front of the door and ran his clenched claws over the scales on his forehead.
“Where in the main corridor?” he asked.
“It’s full length,” Captain Graln  said.
Commander Grrank stopped and narrowed his nostrils again.
“Is the human involved?” he asked.
“Oh yes,” Captain Graln said. “The human was the other one who didn’t report the event.”
“The scent thickens,” Commander Grrank muttered as he stalked through the door.
He found the disturbance easily enough. He had to all but climb over three geologists who were crouched in the door that led to the main corridor. They were apparently fascinated by the source of a rhythmic thumping sound that was passing up and down the corridor. The source of the sound was the human biologist who had been assigned to the base. He was clutching a data pad in one of his hands, glancing at it occasionally as he fell down the corridor.
“It think it must be true that they have a secondary brain in their lower spinal column to control their bipedal walking,” one of the geologists observed.
“Do you think that the secondary brain took over his physical functions while the main brain was distracted by preparing for the conference?” Commander Grrank asked as he followed the human’s movements with one eye.
“There is no secondary brain,” another of the geologists snapped. “That is a myth.”
“Then why would the primary brain be dictating this behavior?” the first asked.
Commander Grrank gave a grumble of irritation and thrust his forequarters out into the corridor.
“Human!” he barked out, pumping extra power into his vocal chords.
The human kept walking for several paces before he slowed. His head rotated slowly and his predatory binocular eyes swept the higher levels of the corridor blankly for the disturbance.
“Human!” the commander barked again.
The human seemed to focus on the sounds and rotated his body to blink slowly at the commander. They stared at each over for several long moments before the commander spoke.
“What are you doing human?” he demanded.
“I’m,” the human paused, reaching up to sweep his fibrous radiation scales away from his eyes, “I’m just prepping for the presentation.” He replied.
“Does this require you to take up the entire main corridor?” Commander Grrank demanded.
The human stared at him for several long moments. The round eyes unfocused and the head bobbed.
“Yeah, pacing helps me get my thoughts together,” the human finally replied.
Commander Grrank eyed him skeptically.
“Do you think you could do this pacing during the night cycle?” he suggested. “You are making the corridor unusable for your fellow scientists.”
“No,” the human shook his head slowly. “I need to get this done…but I can do it outside!”
“Outside,”  the commander said. “Where the temperature is currently well below the freezing point of your blood.”
“Yeah, yeah,” the human said with a wave of one of his wide, flat hands. “I’ll put on a coat and hat, and all that.”
“I cannot allow-“ Commander Grrank began.
“No, no it’s cool,” the human said as he headed for the exit lock. “The pacing will keep me warm. Warm blooded and all that. Cheers.”
Dozens of pointed green noses poked out of doors and dozens of amber eyes stared after the human as he passed through the inner airlock door. Then they turned in confusion on the commander.
“Are we going to allow that?” the medic asked.
“How do you propose we stop that?” Commander Grrank indicated the sealed door with a flick of his tail. “Warm blooded and all that indeed.”