Humans are Weird – Fishing

​Quilx’tch stretched out his motile legs and arched his abdomen deliciously in the soft rays of the afternoon sun. The biting cold of this harsh world had taught him to enjoy the benefits of direct exposure to solar radiation. The light that fell into the small clearing on the banks of the river was just enough to warm him through his joints without burning through the chemical protective layer the humans had taught them to use. That last thought caused the Trisk to stir himself and he shook out his legs lazily before standing. He ambled to the edge of the hat and peered down over the side. The human’s eyes were closed but his primary atmospheric pumps were functioning at a rate that indicated wakefulness.
“Pardon me Mack,” Quilx’tch said. “Could you please hand up the solar protection?”
The eyelids twitched and one massive arm groped out towards the rucksack beside them. Without opening his eyes the human groped around in the top compartment for a moment before pulling out a bottle of the substance and handing it up to Quilx’tch. Quilx’tch accepted it and squeezed a few drops out onto his primary manipulating appendages.
“Need any help with that Bud?” Mack asked with a yawn.
“I do not,” Quilx’tch assured him. “Unlike humans we have full access to our entire surface area.”
“Sure you do,” the human murmured.
They fell into companionable silence and Quilx’tch arranged the bottle on the human’s hat so he could use it as a resting couch. He let his attention wander to the leg-like collection of polymer rods and line that rose from a secure place by the human’s feet and dipped into the water before them. The flotation device bobbed slowly in the minute waves on the water’s surface.
“Mack?” Quilx’tch asked finally.
The human gave a hum that Quilx’tch assumed was permission to continue.
“Are there fish in this river?” Quilx’tch asked.
There was a subtle shifting in the hat that indicated the human had changed his facial expressions without bother to move his head. Quilx’tch supposed it was a smug smile but didn’t bother to check.
“That’s what we’re here to find out, now isn’t it?” Mack replied.
“Did you check the biodiversity density records in the database before we embarked on this expedition?” Quilx’tch asked.
“Nope,” the human said with another yawn.
“Did you hear reports of fish in this area from the teams of Gathering?” Quilx’tch pressed.
“Not a one,” Mack confessed.
“Do you have any reason at all to suppose that there are fish in this river?” Quilx’tch asked.
“Would you be upset if I said no Mr. Nutritional Anthropologist?” Mack asked with the warm tones of a smile filling the air just as the sunlight did.
Quilx’tch pondered this question a moment as he drank in the sparkling water and the soft hum of insect life around them.
“I do not think I would,” he confessed. 

Very Worried Housemate: "Are you okay?"
Silently Weeping Author: "Yes, yes." 
Very Worried Housemate: "You have been crying for an hour now..."
Silently Weeping Author: "I'm just...writing...stuff..."
Very Worried Housemate: "What on Earth are you writing about?" 
Silently Weeping Author: "...a dog..." 
Very Worried Housemate: "Does the dog die? Did you kill a dog?"  *glaring*
Silently Weeping Author whispers: "...Hachi..."
Very Worried Housemate *starts to cry*: "I hate you. I hate you so much." 

Humans are Weird – A Good Long Walk

​“But have you not preformed the necessary amount of muscular contraction to maintain your functionality for the day?” Twistunder asked as he scampered after his friend.
Human Friend Mack was briskly striding around the airlock of the base searching for one particular personal radiations shield.
“Yeah I guess,” he answered absently. “Are you sure you haven’t seen my hat?”
“I have not,” Twistunder assured him. “However, Human Friend Rob’s radiation shield is there on the peg and it is the same size.”
Human Friend Mack rolled his eyes.
“I can’t take Rob’s hat Twist,” he said. “It’s just, ah!”
He flushed with triumph as he discovered the radiation shield he had been searching for under a thermal insulating garment.
“You ready to go Twist?” He asked.
“I am,” Twistunder confirmed. “May I mount now?”
“Sure thing,” Mack said and made as if to kneel down.
“No, no,” Twistunder said quickly. “I am not injured you know.”
Human Friend Mack smiled and remained standing as Twistunder climbed up the back of his legs and settled himself onto Mack’s shoulders. Mack opened the outer door and stepped out into the brilliant purple light of day. Mack slipped his ocular radiation shields over his eyes and began humming.
“Why does your confidence signaling increase when you put those on?” Twistunder asked as he traced the flushes of light up and down Human Friend Mack’s neck and scalp.
“Because these are very cool sunglasses,” Human Friend Mack explained as he picked up his particular stick from where the so called ‘walking sticks’ leaned against the outer wall of the bio-dome.
“I did not know they assisted with thermoregulation,” Twistunder said, very deliberately pitching his voice to mild innocence.
Human Friend Mack gave an explosive blast of air out of his nose and his stripes rippled with humor.
“I know you know what that word means,” he said in a scolding tone.
Meanwhile he had slipped from the more agile stride he used in enclosed spaces to the energy saving lope that he used to cover long distances.
“I do,” Twistunder admitted. “But you still haven’t answered my question.”
“What question?” Human Friend Mack asked between long deep breaths.
“Why are you out here expending calories when you have already gotten enough exercise today?” Twistunder asked again.
“I just felt like a walk,” Human Friend Mack replied. “The weather is good and it isn’t always.”
“What benefit do you get from this walk?” Twistunder asked. “There is our socialization of course but that could be better facilitated back at the nice warm couch, or in your room if you wished solitude.”
“It’s a walk,” Human Friend Mack said. “I mean just look at that will you?”
He swung his arm out to indicate the terrain around them. Twistunder studied it carefully. The ground rolled away in cold, dry hummocks. The surface was covered with a brittle pseudo-algae that glinted darkly purple in the harsh light from the triple stars over head.  The silicone rich lifeform provided enough oxygen to make the planet barely habitable for the sentient species that had found it.
“I see the conditions that make this world a death trap,” Twistunder finally said, pulling closer to the comforting warmth of his friend.
“If it’s so bad why are you here in the first place?” Human Friend Mack asked with a laugh.
“The high joining determined that if you podlings decided to set up a colony here we at least needed a science outpost,” Twistunder replied. “We found it first after all.”
“Fair enough,” Human Friend Mack said with a shrug.
The slope of the ground increased and his stride shifted slightly to compensate. They were currently traveling along the path the humans’ feet had trampled out between the main base and the power generators. The Undulates could travel nowhere else under their own power. The local flora would lacerate their appendages dangerously if they tried without protective armor. Of course the same applied to the humans but they would not go out without their protective foot armor in any case.
Twistunder made a mental note to add the probability of lacerating ground foliage to the list of dangers they faced if the humans ever let them near Earth.
“But what is the purpose of this walk?” Twistunder pressed. “You are traveling too fast for exploration to be the goal.”
“It’s just a walk Twist,” he replied. “Fresh air-“
“We could open a window,” Twistunder interjected.
“Exercise-“ Human Friend Mack continued.
“You fulfilled twenty-percent more than required in the gym this morning.” Twistunder said.
“Companionship,” Human Friend Mack went on.
“Equally available on the couch,” Twistunder replied.
“It’s tradition Twist,” Human Friend Mack said with a sigh. “It’s just tradition.”
They reached a hillock and Human Friend Mack planted his walking stick in the ground to provide a third point of support and looked out over the iridescent purple plain. Twistunder took in the strange, low growing ecosystem for a moment and then left its contemplation to the human. Honestly the patterns that rippled over Human Friend Mack’s skin were more interesting to him. Granted he wasn’t a field biologist. Fortunately these ‘walks’ gave them both a chance to indulge their observational interests. Perhaps that was the point after all.  

This author spent a large part of the time today working with friendly furry things. It was a good day. 

Humans are Weird – Not Hiding

​“Why are we hiding Human Friend Steve?” Thrustup asked from where he poised on the shelf over the human.
Human Friend Steve started with a profanity and jerked away from the wall he had been pressed against.
“I’m not hiding!” Human Friend Steve insisted, his stripped skin flushing brilliant colors in turn as the blood flow altered.
“Really?” Thrust Up asked. “I thought that posture and your relationship to the local environments indicated an attempt at concealment. I will have to-“
“Maybe I was hiding a little,” Human Friend Steve admitted, rubbing he primary gripping appendage over his face, sending the colorful stripes there rippling. “I didn’t mean to be hiding. It was just-“
“An instinctive reaction to some threat?” Thrustup asked, his voice going flat as unease made him loose control of his ability to generate sound.
“Not a threat,” Human Friend Steve said with a resigned sigh.
The human angled his core mass so his sensory concentration, his ‘head’, was aimed around the corner.
“Just avoiding another human,” Human Friend Steve confessed.
“Is there a dispute between you?” Thrustup asked, adding concern to his voice.
“No, no,” Human Friend Steve said, adding with a gesture of his primary gripping appendage that the idea was so far from the truth that it ought to be dismissed and not brought up again. “We’re fine. Really. It’s just I was up a little late last night and I don’t want to be stuck next to that chatter box till the coffee kicks in.”
“Chatter box?” Twistunder asked after a pause.
“Human Friend Madeline,” Human Friend Steve explained. “She talks a lot, and she has a kind of high pitched voice. It doesn’t bother me when I’m properly rested, but when I’m still groggy.” He waved his gripping appendage in a gesture of generic confirmation.
Thrustup considered this.
“Why are you hiding then?” he asked.
“I’ m not hiding!” Human Friend Steve protested again. “Not really. I just don’t want to hurt Maddie’s feelings so I’m waiting to go for the coffee pot until she goes out to the gardens.”
“How would you hurt her feelings?” Thrustup asked.
“By refusing to listen to what she his saying,” Human Friend Steve explained as he peered around the corner again.
“Will not your hiding from her over here hurt her feelings in the same way?” Thrustup asked.
“She won’t know about it if people keep quiet,” Human Friend Steve muttered.
“Do you wish me to stop talking?” Thrustup asked. “Or I can lower the pitch of my voice.”
Human Friend Steve loosened and let the broad, bony surface of his head slap into the wall.
“I need coffee for this conversation,” he groaned. 

What is flying like?

So I had a flying dream recently. Only flying isn't quite the right word. I don't know that I have ever had a "flying" dream. I can't remember ever soaring through the sky like a hawk, or flitting from tree to tree like a sparrow.
In my dreams I glide. 
I take a step off the bottom step of the stairs and glide away. There is tremendous effort required but very little work. It is something like skateboarding. When you are on a down-slope there is very little power involved, gravity is doing the heavy lifting, but you have to pay attention and balance. You must make a thousand tiny corrections as you move. That is what my gliding dreams are like. I start on my feet and then when I get gliding along nicely I pull my limbs into a sitting or "water slide" position. If I loose concentration for a moment I stumble and fall back to the ground. It feels so very real.
A few seconds into the dream I remember not being able to do this. Then I figure that as I am doing it now I must be able to do it. Therefore the times I couldn't must have been the dream time and this is real. These dreams often last quite a long time.
What kind of flying dreams do you have? 
Do you soar? 
Do you flit? 
Do you glide? 

​ 

Humans are Weird
101 Tales of Comedy and Error
Greetings my fellow sentients!
 I have spent the majority of my career studying the nutritional habits of the known sentient species of the galaxy. With the recent discovery of humanity my work has focused on our strange new omnivorous friends. The questions raised simply by the fact that they are predators have sent the Universities of the Home Clusters into near chaos. Therefore I have spent the past year gathering data on their odd behaviors. I have observed their tendency to pet everything that moves, and a few things that don’t. I have observed their willingness to eat nearly anything that fits their nutritional profile and several items that are outright poisons. I have observed their capacity to turn anything, but most especially food sources, into explosive incendiary devices.
However space travel is resource intensive, as are fireproof tweed jackets and hats. Delightful stuff asbestos; but heavy to carry star to star. Sometimes I arrive at a human base and the contents of the cupboards are “steak” and “limes”. Due to the animal products in one and the acid of the other I have needed to bring all of my own food. Again this is expensive.
Therefore I have initiated a “Kickstarter” project to fund my research projects. I am currently learning the “ropes” as it were.
This Kickstarter project will be to fund the write up and publication of my last year’s worth of research.
       “Humans are Weird
                       -
101 Tale of Comedy and Error”
At the moment I am making the introduction video.
I will keep you updated.
 

Barring the deaths of any creators who greatly influenced my childhood I will have a big announcement next Monday. 
Here is a hint. Humans are Weird and the internet needs backups. 

I know I promised a big announcement on Monday but I just couldn't seem to find the drive to post after the news broke about Stan Lee. RIP old man. You filled my world with joy and catchy jingles from the time I was a child 

​Humans are Weird – Pardon Me


“Pardon me Human Friend LaChance?” Twistunder began as he approached the human at the edge of the joint recreation pool.
“Eh?”
The sound was listed as *general recognition of non-threatening disturbance-continue to communicate-repeat previous communication attempt*. It was quite a lot of meaning to imprint in one tone and Twistunder was rather fascinated with the idea but he was here for a different, and potentially more offensive set of questions.
“Pardon me Human Friend LaChance,” Twistunder began again. “May I intrude on your meditation time?”
“My what now?” LaChance asked, his face twisting into perplexed and relaxed confusion.
“You are reading and meditating over the thoughts in that book,” Twistunder indicated the woven mass of rustling lanolin.
“Yeah,” the human said as he examined the book and his face smoothed over in surprise, his stripes flushing alternating colors. “I guess that is what I am doing…what was your question?”
“I asked,” Twistunder repeated, “if I may intrude.”
“Intrude away little buddy,” Human Friend LaChance said cheerfully.
Taking that as a full invitation Twistunder quickly scrambled out of the water, onto the rock the human was sitting on, and up into the twin broad mobile appendages. Twistunder marveled anew at the tightly bound masses of muscle under the thick and rough outer membrane. It was easy to believe that a human could race across the ground at a fantastic six unds per second. Human Friend LaChance let out a rumbled from deep in his chest that was called a chuckle as Twistunder settled over his primary appendage joints.
“I have a question,” Twistunder began, making sure to angle his primary gripping end at Human Friend LaChance’s face. “It is a question that might be offensive.”
“We’re both scientists,” LaChance replied, twisting his face to reveal his broad, enameled teeth. “I doubt I’ll be offended.”
“I wish to ask the meaning of that physical word you just used,” Twistunder replied.
“I used a physical word?” Human Friend LaChance in surprise.
“Yes,” Twistunder explained.
“So what made you think it was maybe offensive?” Human Friend LaChance asked.
“It was very similar to the poem prayer,” Twistunder answered, displaying the motion with one appendage.
“Well not offended but very much not Catholic,” Human Friend LaChance said with a laugh. “And I certainly wasn’t praying just now. Can you show me what I did?”
Twistunder bobbed his primary gripping end eagerly up and down in confirmation.
“You did this,” he said.
He arched his body up, gripping Human Friend LaChance’s kneecaps for support, and stiffened into his best approximation of a bipedal form. He lifted one primary gripping appendage and lightly tapped first the top of his ‘head’, then his ‘face’, then his ‘chest’. Human Friend LaChance burst out laughing so hard that Twistunder had to drop back down and grip both legs to avoid falling off. When the laughter subsided Human Friend LaChance reached down to pat him in a friendly gesture.
“Not meant to be communication Bud,” he said cheerfully. “It is more of an internal reaction to circumstances.”
Twistunder drooped in disappointment and Human Friend LaChance patted him again.
“But I can translate it for you as communication anyway,” Human Friend LaChance assured him.
He stiffened in the first gesture.
“Hey! I need my glasses!” He said. “You know what glasses are right?”
“Artificial light focal point generators made from various crystalline substances,” Twistunder replied.
“Yup! So then,” he touched the top of his head, “are they on my head? No? Well maybe I already put them on my eyes and just forgot.” He touched the wide bones over his eyes. “Nope? Well maybe I hung them on my neck?” He touched his chest. “Nope. Guess I left them at home. No biggie.”
The human ceased the explanation and smiled down at his friend as he patted him.
“That explain it for you Bud?” He asked.
“It is an external diagnostic,” Twistunder observed.
“Pretty much,” Human Friend LaChance said with a shrug.
“Thank you Human Friend LaChance,” Twistunder said.
The Undulate settled down on the human’s legs as LaChance leaned back and resumed reading. Thinking about human behavior was fine and all but sunning on top of a warm mammalian muscle mass was something worth doing too. 

Thank you all so much for your updoots and feedback. It gives me the will to go on. Want to see more? Think about becoming a Patreon  Tea refuses to buy itself and the more time one has to spend on a day job the less time there is for befuddled aliens.