Humans are Weird – Nap Time

The afternoon sun gleamed pink on the various species using the recreation area by the gently flowing creek. One human lay sprawled in the silty sand and a pair of Undulates were shuffeling busily around in the water a few meters from her.
“Is it really wise to interfere in this matter?” Rollslowly asked.  
“Human Friend Sally specifically requested this,” Shiftsleft replied as he adjusted the throwing stick in his appendages.
“Regardless,” Rollslowly said, “this seems unsafe.”
“I told you,” Shiftsleft replied. “That is why I am using globules of filtered clay. The density is so low that it could impact her in an open eye and not cause permanent damage. In fact it is the temperature differential caused by the water that will cause the useful discomfort.”
“I was not referring to her safety,” Rollslowly interjected,  “have you read the profile for a human coming unexpectedly out of sleep state?”
“Yes, yes,” Shiftsleft said with a dismissive wave of one of his few appendages not involved in the aiming process. “Five seconds is the absolute maximum danger time. At this distance we are so far out of her strike range that she would be fully awake and aware long before she could get her hands on us. And I don’t need to mention again that this service was a specific request on her part as  one friend to another.”
“No you don’t need to mention that yet again,” Rollslowly admitted with a little groan as he saw that the throwing stick was finally aligned to Shiftsleft’s liking. “I still maintain that she was simply making a humorous and rhetorical comment.”
“Sound this,” Shiftsleft said. “We both know that a nap this late in the circadian cycle will throw off Human Friend Susan’s sleep cycle for days.”
He spasmed around the throwing stick, launching the blob of wet clay on an arc into the air. Rollslowly shuddered at the unnatural movement both of his friend and the clay. It splatted down on the other side of the human earning only a slight twitch on her part.
“Less power,” Shiftsleft observed. “As I was saying. When a human’s sleep cycle is disturbed they become not only less of an asset but nearly a liability.”
“That can be true,” Rollslowly admitted as the second glob of clay fell on the near side of the human.
“Human Friend Sally knows this,” Shiftsleft went on, “and thus requested that we wake her very specifically from ‘outside of her strike range’ if she fell asleep in the afternoon again.”
“This still seems wrong somehow,” Rollslowly said as Human Friend Sally began to shift and turned to stare at the place the last glop had fallen.
The final glop arced into the air and fell with a plop onto her nose. Her reaction was fascinating. She spasmed once, her hands came up to claw at her face in an attempt to removed the glop, and she emitted one of those predatory sounds that were so universally feared. Rollslowly believed it was called a snarl. He noted that Shiftsleft was slowly easing back into the deeper water of the stream.
“Are you not going to wait for Human Friend Sally to acknowledge her gratitude?” Rollslowly asked as he followed his friend.
“I think it would be best to accept that gratitude from out of strike range as well,” Shiftsleft replied.
“It has been far longer than five seconds,” Rollslowly observed. “In fact I think she does not even know we were the source of the action.”
“I have been told humans like mystery,” Shiftsleft said.
“Then by all means,” Rollslowly said watching as Human Friend Sally was vigorously cleaning her nose in the water of the shallows, “let’s leave her with the mystery.”

Thank you all so much for your updoots and feedback. It gives me the will to go on. Want to see more? Think about becoming a Patreon.  Tea refuses to buy itself and the more time one has to spend on a day job the less time there is for befuddled aliens. 

Humans are Weird – Fluffel Bums


“The last shipment of feed was contaminated,” Human Friend Ellen announced as she joined them at the table.
The gathering of Trisk turned towards her in varying degrees of annoyance and perturbation. One the one leg that was a very concerning state of events for the complication plagued research station. On every other leg, Human Friend Ellen had worked with the Trisk for more than long enough to know and respect their taboos on interrupting. However as she slung her leg over the bench her bi-focal gaze was fixed grimly on the tablet she had dropped on the surface. Grs’tkr mimicked a sigh to the best of his ability and took the situation in his gripping appendages.
“We would appreciate the details of that statement,” Grs’tkr said.
“It’s the grains for the fluffel bums,” Human Friend Ellen said. “A silicate fungus got past the quarantine somehow. Seventh Sister discovered it while it was still in quarantine so it hasn’t affected our existing stores but we don’t dare use any of the shipment now. It’s jumped three bulkheads that we’ve seen so we have to assume that the whole shipment is contaminated.”
The table fell into silence as the gathered agricultural experts considered this. Half of them were clearly bristling at Human Friend Ellen’s rudeness. Finally Grs’tkr spoke.
“Human Friend Ellen,” he said in careful tones, “I have a question.”
“No, we can’t feed it to the fluffel bums anyway,” she interjected. “The fungus won’t kill them but the build up over time will cause impaction in their guts.”
“But Human Friend Ellen,” Grs’tkr tried again.
“And we could try sprouting the so-far-untouched grains but we think that will only increase the growth rate for the fungus,”  Human Friend Ellen went on.
The gathered Trisk waited for her to gather her thoughts, watching her will all of their forward facing eyes. Humans really were a force of nature. Nothing stopped them.  Finally Grs’tkr spoke, firmly and quickly.
“Human Friend Ellen! What is a fluffel bum?” he demanded.
“Huh?” Human Friend Ellen stared at him and blinked a few times.
“What is a fluffel bum?” Grs’tkr asked.
“You know,” Human Friend Ellen said with a vague wave in the direction of the coops. “The chickens.”
“If you meant the chickens,” Grs’tkr said carefully, “why did you call them fluffel bums?”
“Just look at ‘em,” Human Friend Ellen said, her face spreading into a grin. “Their bums are like seventy percent fluff!”
The Trisk continued to stare at her waiting for explanation, but her eyes had dropped down to the tablet and she began muttering to herself about desiccants and grain yield. 

Thank you all so much for your updoots and feedback. It gives me the will to go on. Want to see more? Think about becoming a Patreon. Tea refuses to buy itself and the more time one has to spend on a day job the less time there is for befuddled aliens.

Okay. FIRST. I do not, nor does anyone I know. Have the corona virus. 
That out of the way. My "Day Job" as it were is teaching English to Chinese children. I do this online and life now involves a lot of figuring out how to calm frightened kids who can barely speak English, and the ones who are actually quite good at it make the situation more complicated by asking deep and relevant questions.. 
Now the kids over there just had their winter break and were headed back to school. However the Chinese gov decided to give them an extra week to let things settle. So a lot of parents want to keep their kids calm and busy and my company is getting flooded with new clients. The company sent out a plea for teachers to open class times during regular school hours. Something most of us never do for obvious reasons.  For me that means midnight to six am. 
Suffice it to say between worrying about my precious little regulars, figuring out what to say, and going back to a sleep schedule I haven't worked since 2008 i the bush Alaska my creative juices are low and my will power is weak. 
Look at the pretty picture and see if you can figure out where the raptor is hiding. 

Humans are Weird – Braid


“Have you observed the new human yet?” Flipsalong demanded as she rounded the corner of the flowway.
“Nice to brush against you too,” Twistunder replied.
Flipsalong gave a full body shimmy of embarrassment and made a show of trying to droop her gripping appendages in apology.
“No,” Twistunder finally said, taking pity on the eager young University student. “I have not seen our new guest yet.”
“She has extra appendages!” Flipsalong declared.
“The ambassador is deformed?” Twistunder asked in shock.
“I don’t think so,” Flipsalong said. “It is a perfectly healthy looking appendage. Or it might be three held in a twine for transport. I am not sure.”
Some dim memory of a conversation with one of his Ranger friends bubbled up in Twistunder’s awareness.
“And where on her body is this extra appendage?” He asked.
“It comes of the back of her,” Flipsalong paused and trembled as she visibly tried to think of the term. “You know, the primary sensory end. With the organs.”
“Ah,” Twistunder nodded as it started to loosen in his thoughts. “Off the back of her head. And is the detached end constrained by a cloth band?”
“Yes!” Flipsalong declared. “Do you know what the appendage is?”
“I am not sure it is an appendage, exactly,” Twistunder said slowly.
“Oh,” Flipsalong drooped in disappointment. “Just an ornamental attachment then?”
“No, no,” Twistunder said. “You probe, you have only touched Rangers and University professors yet I assume?”
“That is correct,” Flipsalong said. “How does that connect?”
“Rangers,” Twistunder said. “Follow a strict policy of grooming. As do most researches who will have to expect to be in an environmental suit. They keep their mammalian fur at a regulation length that will not interfere with the fit of an air tight helmet.”
“That is well known,” Flipsalong agreed, “but how does it connect?”
“Human fur has no standard growth length,” Twistunder explained. “It continues to lengthen until it reaches each individuals genetic maximum. That is why humans are so strict about their length regulations.”
“Wait?” Flipsalong raised a gripping appendage in shock. “You meant that massive appendage is just a compressed mass of sensory tendrils?”
“It isn’t painful I assure you,” Twistunder said, reading the horror in the set of her appendages. “Human fur has no live nerves once past the membrane.”
“So it serves no sensory purpose?” Flipsalong asked.  
“A very limited one at best,” Twistunder said.
“Does it offer greater radiation or thermal regulation than the standard Ranger length?” Flipsalong asked.
“I do not believe so,” Twistunder replied.
Flipsalong curled into what the humans called a thinking loaf and pondered this.
“Then why would a human maintain such a mass of useless tendrils?”  Flipsalong demanded.
“Perhaps we should ask the ambassador,” Twistunder offered. “Though you might want to rephrase that question in the interest of diplomacy.”

Thank you all so much for your updoots and feedback. It gives me the will to go on. Want to see more? Think about becoming a Patreon.  Tea refuses to buy itself and the more time one has to spend on a day job the less time there is for befuddled aliens. 

Humans are Weird – One More Slice


“And so that’s why Thanksgiving Day is different on every colony world,”  Human Friend Peter explained.
“But is synchronized with the Earth holiday when celebrated in non-aligned space craft and on non-colony worlds,” Quilx’tch finished. “Thank you for explaining.”
“Not at all Quick,” Human Friend Peter said. “Teaching people about holidays is part of the fun of holidays.”
Quilx’tch clicked in understanding as he shifted from one of the human’s shoulders to the other. The human was bent over a simmering pot of what they called mush. This particular mush was being reduced to make the filling for a human pastry. The heat and mass required for this process meant that Quilx’tch needed to maintain a fairly large safe distance. Fortunately  Human Friend Peter was more than willing to provide that distance.
“Hey,”  Human Friend Peter said as he turned off the heat under the mush.  “This needs to cool now, and don’t you have that meeting soon?”
“Yes,” Quilx’tch said regretfully. “I must go. I do desire to stay and watch you finish the process.”
“I’ll record it little bud!” Human Friend Peter said as he hold his hand out for Quilx’tch to climb down.
“Thank you Human Friend Peter,” Quilx’tch said. “I will see you at the celebratory meal.”
The rest of the day passed fairly swiftly. The meal was to begin just as the sun went down but when he arrived the humans were already munching on small snacks scattered around the room. The meal itself began rather later than sundown.  The humans ate happily for a couple of hours and then one at a time slumped back in their chairs with an announcement of their satiation. Human Friend Peter lasted the longest before he too slumped back and sighed.
“I couldn’t eat another bite,” he said with a sigh.
A murmur of agreement spread around the table.
“Pity,” Quilx’tch observed as he sipped his eggnog.
“How so?” Peter asked, lazily opening one eye to peer at Quilx’tch.
“It seems a shame not to eat the pastry while it is still fresh.” Quilx’tch observed.
“Pastry?” one of the other humans squinted at Quilx’tch.
“The pumpkin pie,” Quilx’tch stated.
“Pie?” The word spread though the humans like a stimulant.
As each repeated it his spine pulled his body straight and his eyes widened in anticipation.
“Pie,” Human Friend Peter confirmed. “Should I go get them?”
“Go!”  the rest of the humans agreed.
Human Friend Peter shoved himself to his feet and strolled over to the refrigeration unit.
“Pie,” the humans murmured happily.
Quilx’tch clicked curiously but didn’t ask the question on his mind. He was pretty full himself but the pie did smell good. 

Thank you all so much for your updoots and feedback. It gives me the will to go on. Want to see more? Think about becoming a Patreon. Tea refuses to buy itself and the more time one has to spend on a day job the less time there is for befuddled aliens. 

Book Review – Read to Succeed – An Engaging Conversation With Stan Skrabut

Disclaimer: I was sent a free copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
​
“Read to Succeed”  is an engaging conversation with the author. While I was reading it, it didn’t really feel like a book. I truly felt like I was listening to Skrabut describing his passion for reading.  The book is well laid out and easy to get into. I would even call it a page turner.
Skrabut starts by explaining the different ways reading is important and how it can improve someone’s life in various ways. Several chapters go into explaining the reading lives of various famous readers from Ben Franklin to Bill Gates. The book is peppered with fun quotes from great readers of the past.
The meatier chapters go into how you can improve your own reading life. It touches how and where you can get your hands on books, the various forms books can come in, and how to most efficiently consume your books.
This is an easy book to dip into. Each chapter is essentially self contained and equally entertaining and informative on its own.  It is, in many ways, the perfect coffee table book. Overall I enjoyed it  and would recommend it. 

Come to think of it the audience has never actually seen Scarecrow's engine? 
I wonder why that is. They have the model for Robot Robinson's engine handy....

SPOILERS
Lost in Space Season 2

​Hello my wonderful readers and welcome to another episode of Betty Adams overanalyzes! Today were are going to talk about the brilliant use of such a simple prop as a horse’s bit in Lost in Space! 

Do you hear that?

That is my muse laughing her seven heads off. See I really want to talk about that bit and what it represents. It is truly fascinating. However, I started to work out that video, and my muse yanked me sideways.

 Today we are going to talk about who in the Robinson family really understands Robot Robinson the best.  We’ll look at how each family member approached him. We’ll talk about their strengths and weaknesses. But mostly we’ll talk about this wonderful relationship between John and Robot.

When Robot Robinson first appeared on the scene John’s first reaction was to spring to his feet and prepare to defend his family with a knife. Almost laughable in the face of what Robot had displayed in firepower up to this point but John is a soldier and that was the only weapon he had. Will diffused the situation and then the Robot saved Judy’s life in a dramatic way. Then saves the rest of the family.

John owes him his life, the lives of his family. In addition to that he sees how Will has bonded to the Robot. Robot has earned his gratitude, and that goes a long way with John. But the Robot hasn’t earned his trust. He accepts Robot’s presence and he watches.

In the first few episodes watch how the family interacts with Robot. Everyone is busy, frantic. Maureen analyzes Robot as she would any new piece of machinery. And she seems to come to the understanding that he is just that. She is an engineer so she sees and engine, a useful servant that seems to be obeying her son. She files him away and almost never looks at him again until he starts disobeying. Until the machine that she sees malfunctions.

Judy is a doctor. A medical professional. She takes Wills diagnosis with a grain of salt. She isn’t sure that Robot is a person.  Not like Will is. But have you ever seen a medical professional working with machines? They treat the functional machines in their lives much how they treat the people. A nice polite doctor like Judy will thank a vending machine for her drink when she’s tired.  She defaults to treating him like a person from a better safe than sorry point of view. But she is dealing with her own trauma. She doesn’t have time to really dig into the mystery of the robot. There is work to do.


Penny, perhaps the Robinson most like her mother accepts the Robot as a useful machine. She sympathizes with her little brother’s perspective. It looks kind of human. But ultimately she doesn’t think about it. Like her mother she is used to getting her way. She uses what the Robot has to offer and ignores him when he isn’t useful.

Will loves the Robot of course. With the still shallow love of an easy friendship. He does believe that the Robot is a person but he never really looks at Robot, not a who the Robot really is. This is a natural, normal state for children. They simply accept the fact of their caregivers. They don’t question their parents motives. Learning who your caregivers are is one of the most shocking aspects of life. Your teacher has a sense of humor that is dry and biting. But you have never seen it in class. You pastor has a motorcycle and a crew but you have never seen him in leathers. Your mother knows more dirty jokes than the combined Navy and Marine Corps. But you have never heard them. Will doesn’t see the Robot. He sees what he wants the Robot to be. He sees that Robot protects him. He chooses not to see how dangerous the Robot has to be to do that. He sees that Robot has emotions like affection. He chooses not to see that the Robot has the potential for anger and rage.

Will is traumatically awakened to the reality of the situation when he not only sees but feels the Robot (presumably) killing the people on the Resolute. But Will, willfully closes his eyes again. As long as he thinks he can control  Robot he can pretend that the Robot is exactly who Will wants him to be. Will does not see the Robot.

John, he sees the Robot. He sees that Robot is capable of protecting his family and he values that. He sees that Robot displays affection for Will and he values that. He sees that Robot is trying to understand, is showing intelligence. He sees because he is looking. After the initial shock of the meeting John is the only Robinson who ever goes up to the Robot and just looks at him. The only one who is still actively trying to figure Robot out. John is looking at the Robot as at least a potential person. And he sees what the robot is, even if he can’t articulate it.

John is a soldier, a warrior. He has been around other soldiers for longer than any of his children have been alive. As a Navy Seal he has presumably seen soldiers of every nationality. He has seen solider dogs, even soldier horses. They do still exist. Point being war, soldiery leaves its mark on a person. He can see those marks on Robot.  He can see that the Robot is capable of protecting. He can see Robot’s weapons, his intelligence, his adaptability, his initiative. John Robinson sees how dangerous Robot is long before the survivors tell him what they saw the robot do. He is willing to accept that Robot is a person, he might even be convinced that Robot is a person. But that only makes Robot that much more dangerous.

Remember what John said to Judy when he was trying to get her to open up on the treadmill. He knows what that kind of fear and trauma can do to you. I’d bet my bottom contraband chocolate bar that John has had to deal with PTSD. That something happened that damaged him. And it is a certainty that he has seen his brothers damaged and broken. He knows how dangerous a fallen soldier can be, even to the ones he loves, especially to the ones he loves. 

So John watches Robot. It wasn’t John who ordered Robot off that cliff. It wasn’t even John’s idea. It was Will’s idea. An idea that came when Will was suffering from a lack of a father. When John realized that Will was gone he panicked. The show lets you think it was for Will’s safety. But John knows the Robot obeys Will to the best of his ability.

John wasn’t there  when Robot fought SAR. But John is a soldier. John is a Navy Seal. One of the first requirements for special forces is brains and one of the main things they do is after action reports. They analyze everything that happened. I have no doubt that John sent over every detail of what happened with Maureen and the children.  John would have noted that Robot, who had previously been able to locate Will instantly was suddenly balky and inefficient at finding anyone, moving slowly, far more slowly than he had proven he could time and again. Like Robot was stalling for time.  John would realize that it was the fault of Dr. Smith that the family was clustered in the place where Robot had left the engine, left it far away from where Robot would have expected the family to be in normal circumstances. John would recognize that despite Maureen brilliant strategy Robot should have overwhelmed her if he’d been really trying.

  And then the Second Alien Robot showed up.  John would know that Robot cooperated with the SAR, cooperated with the SAR right up to the point that SAR threatened an innocent child. The Robot easily and willingly handed over the engine. It was the SAR who blasted the Chariot with Penny and Judy in it. All Robot did was look at where the Chariot had been damaged enough to threaten their lives. SAR had the engine. He had Robot. He could have left, but instead he stalked over and attempted to murder a helpless child in cold blood.

 And that was when Robot defied SAR. Robot darted over and wrestled SAR away from Will. He didn’t blast SAR, or slash him. He simply removed the threat. Robot then fixes Will’s suit. At which point SAR tries to kill him. Then Robot removes the threat from the family.

Now John is a soldier and he would look at things through a soldier’s eyes. Robot obeyed SAR, led him into the ship. SAR was like him in specie, behavior, and color scheme. This would suggest a superior officer to a soldier like John.  John would undoubtedly look at that situation as Robot defying a direct order from a superior officer on moral grounds. Commendable to a human solider raised in the modern tradition.  But even then, even with the weight of your culture supporting your actions at the court martial, it is a gut-wrenching, heart-breaking situation.

As far as John is concerned Robot has proven himself. Proven himself not only a person, but a person capable of the highest levels of moral reasoning and confident action. Robot isn’t just a soldier. He is a good soldier. More than that he is now at the very least a soldier under John’s command. A brother likes the ones he had to leave behind on Earth. John is responsible for him.
And what happens the moment John hears that they have a lead on Robot’s location. He instantly tries to get off the hospital bed where he was laying with a hole in his side to go find Robot. He has to be ordered not to go.  He was going to leave his job undone. That job that otherwise was his highest priority, to go rescue one of his.

But Will and Maureen go instead. Will who is always talking to the Robot, and sometimes listens. Maureen, who now she has accepted the robot automatically assumes she knows what’s going on in his head. She assumes that Robot is pleased SAR is dead, not because of what SAR might have done to Robot but because SAR had threatened her son. That was how she phrased it. Not even that SAR had threatened Will, but threatened her son. Maureen seems like she’s got a little narcissistic streak there.

John probably wouldn’t have made that assumption. Oh, he would have made plenty of his own to be sure. But he would have called up the horror he would have felt at having defied one of his commanding officers and then seeing his murdered body. John would have empathized where Maureen analyzed.

The next time John sees the Robot he is pulling him down off of the controls of the Resolute. Robot is heavy and despite the help of the rest of the family it is John who goes into catch the Robot first, and given that Maureen is gently stroking Robot’s head presumably John is holding most of his weight. It is John who lingers when the rest of the family darts off to find Will. It is John who stays with the staggering, injured Robot and walks slowly with him to the meeting. John who steps back and selflessly lets his son greet Robot before him.

In the very next scene it is Will who asks Robot to take them to Alpha Centauri. It is Will who dismisses Robot’s refusal as Robot just trying out a new word he doesn’t understand. But John is a solider. John sees another soldier in Robot Robinson. John looks at the situation through a soldier’s eyes, and it is John who understands the Robot.

And now the Robot is separated from the only member of the Robinson family who has effectively tried, and succeeded in understanding him. John is stuck on one side of the rift. Robot is stuck on the other.  Will is still very much a child who is just barely beginning to see him as a person in his own right and not just how he wants to see him. Judy is a girl who still hasn’t fully grown out of the vanity that blinds many clever and beautiful children into believing that everyone, especially loved ones exist to serve their needs. And Judy, a woman who has had woman hood dropped on her like a crashing Jupiter with all the thousand responsibilities that entails.

So what do you think my wonderful readers? Is John Robinson the only Robinson who managed to honestly look Robot Robinson in the face? Leave a like if you agree and atomize my argument like the Resolute if you disagree. 
​
Peace out my wonderful readers. 

Humans are Weird – North Face

“What is so interesting about that rock face?” Sixteenth Cousin asked as she came  upon the base morale officer.
Xts’tlk  shook himself and stretched each of his eight limbs slowly in the morning sun.  Sixteenth Cousin eased back into a comfortable position, letting her hind legs take most of her weight. The tall fence that surrounded the pace provided more than enough  shade to protect from the weak yellow suns the planet boasted. All attempts to cultivate native flora in the enclosed grounds had been failures, leaving only a few scraggly shrubs protecting mangy patches of ground cover. It was no wonder the cheerful Trisk wanted to look elsewhere.
“Human Friend Gregor’s newest recreational interest,” Xts’tlk informed her finally.
Sixteenth Cousin knew very well that she shouldn’t respond immediately as would be polite back home in the gardens. But it was hard to seemingly ignore a polite answer. She satisfied herself with a brief flick of her neck frill and examined the rock face closer.
“Is this a matter of projected lights or applied paints?” she finally asked.
Xts’tlk began to reposition the view screen on his range finder and then adjust the screen display so she could see it.
“Neither,” he observed. “Rather he is there himself.”
“He is where?” Sixteenth Cousin asked.
The Trisk settled back on his motile legs and expanded the screen for her.
“There,” Xts’tlk finally said.
He pointed simultaneously to the rock face that was klicks away and the display screen. Sixteenth Cousin suddenly felt her frill prickle with unease. The same way it did when her, admittedly spoiled, Fourth Brother, was plotting to escape First Father’s garden. She wasn’t sure what she was looking at at first. There was Human Friend Gregor, First Engineer on the base, and it appeared he was climbing a rock face.
Sixteenth Cousin suddenly leapt back with a hiss. She snapped her head side to side trying to judge the distance from the base to the rock face, trying to understand.
“Is First Engineer climbing the rock face?” She demanded.
“He is,” Xts’tlk replied after an unbearable pause.
“What safety gear does he have?” Sixteenth Cousin demanded, searching her mind for anything that had been checked out.
“A bag of dust and his two strong arms,” Xts’tlk replied.
Sixteenth Cousin stared at him in utter horror, her head cocked so far to the side the broad triangle was near parallel with her abdomen.
“Did you even try to stop him?” She finally demanded.
“It is a registered human recreation,” he defended himself.  “They call it free climbing.” 

Thank you all so much for your updoots and feedback. It gives me the will to go on. Want to see more? Think about becoming a Patreon. Tea refuses to buy itself and the more time one has to spend on a day job the less time there is for befuddled aliens.