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Humans are Weird – Twister

12/30/2025

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​ Humans are Weird – Twister



It was really too warm for any of them in the sealed cab of the transport. Touchesinturn let the majority of his mass slump against the cool surface of the window even as his lagging appendages drifted in the soothing heat of the water of his travel sack. The soothing sound of Human Friend Bobby Joe’s snoring from the front of the cab drowned out the faint whine of the gravity repulsors that really should have been sent in for maintenance several weeks ago. The taste of human sweat nearly saturated the cab. Shatar Friend Second Sister was perched in the driving couch, occasionally flicking her proboscis out to take a sip from a cold drink. It really was too warm for any of them, but it had been a long, hard day salvaging shipwreck scrap in the rocky reefs. A long, cold, hard day of work, with appendages needing to be free to grasp and pull, needing to be exposed to the cold, cold seawater and none of the sophants on the crew seemed quite ready to drop the ambient temperature.
There was a jolt as one of the overworked repulsors gave a complaint about the local gravity well and the rhythm of Human Friend Bobby Joe’s snores caught, and stopped. One massive shoulder, all Touchesinturn could see around the human couch, heaved up and then down. The distinctive smacking of dry human lips sounded, followed by a mildly distressed grunt. One long, jointed gripping appendage waved into sight lifting straight up towards the various tools swinging from the ceiling attachment points. Shatar Friend Second Sister Tilted her triangular head to watch with mild interest as the arm bent in that weird angular arrangement that spoke of internal rigidity at the central joint and the half extended fingers began to arc back into the rear compartment of the cabin. The arm began to twist however in a way that belied a single great bone and Touchesinturn felt his own appendages perk up in interest.
Human Friend Bobby Joe clearly wasn’t in any sort of pain. The sound of his breathing was too regular. The taste of his pheromones was too even. Most of all the work roughened stripes of his hands and arms glowed with health. However there was no way a single great internal support was allowing the muscles and veins visible under his external membranes to twist like that. Touchesinturn was reasonably sure that humans had one solid bone in each half of their arms and legs. At least, that is what he vaugely recalled from the emergency health and safety portion of their training back on the orbital station. However the training had been rushed as they were all reasonably experienced scrapers and there was a lot of time sensitive salvage to be doing.
As he watched the hand roaming and grasping with mild interest Shatar Friend Second Sister flicked an antenna to get his attention. He signaled her that she had it and she pointed the antenna at the water cylinder beside his transport sack. Touchesinturn suddenly understood. Human Friend Bobby Joe was looking for his drink. Instead of simply shifting his center of mass the few inches it would take to twist around and bring his eyes onto the rear compartment he was trying to use his spatial memory and tactile sense to find the item. Touichesinturn felt a wave of amused fondness and reached out to nudge the drink container closer to the arc of space Human Friend Bobby Joe’s hand was exploring. On the next sweep the human’s fingers brushed the cylinder and his forearm gave a sudden and extreme twist that definitely defied the ‘one bone’ concept. There were clearly two bones, and they were at least somewhat twisty.
His hold secured on the cylinder Human Friend Bobby Joe began lifting it straight up rather than forward into the cab and began taking it in a long sweeping motion away from his own mass. This, Touchesinturn was sure, was one of the actual limitations of that internal skeleton. Suddenly, with a slight pop, the lid of the container popped off. Both Touchesinturn and Shatar Friend Second Sister watched in mild interest, ready to offer assistance. Touchesinturn was reasonably sure that Human Friend Bobby Joe would have to untwist his forearm to get the container to a position that he could pour it into his mouth, and that twisting motion would certainly cause the contents to spill.
Human Friend Bobby Joe gave a disgruntled , wordless noise but didn’t request assistance. Instead he began a slow, careful series of movements, testing the limits of his movement while not spilling the now open container. His movements kept hitting that limit enforced by his twisty bones. Finally the human set the container down in a crook of the drivers couch, untwisted his now free arm and hand, and reached down to pick up the container in triumph. Quickly followed by the sounds of a human gulping down liquid.
Touchesinturn leaned back against the window. However Shatar Friend Second Sister had angled her head as if to get the human’s attention.
“That was not the most efficient way to do that,” she pointed out.
“So?” Human Friend Bobby Joe replied. “We in some kind of hurry?”
Another repulsor gave the transport a little bump and the Shatar flicked her frill in a non-committal reply.
“How many bones do you have?” Touchesinturn asked in sound.
Apparently that question warranted moving his center of mass because Human Friend Bobby Joe heaved himself up and leaned around the couch to squint at Touchesinturn.
“How many what do I have?” the human demanded, his colors flushing with surprise, as if Touchesinturn had asked something strange.




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Humans are Weird – Streak

12/22/2025

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 Humans are Weird – Streak



“Engineer Fiss’stk?” came the latest interruption just as Fiss’stk almost had the tricky spring in the correct position.
He felt the spring dislodge from it’s position and shoot away on every hair as he lost concentration in his paws. Fiss’stk let the seconds drag out as he followed the track of the spring with his primary eyes until it dissapeared into his visual horizon. Fiss’stk inflated his lung with a deep breath and rotated his mass to bring his primary cone onto his fluffy, well meaning, not-at-all irritating apprentice.
“Yes Ktktk’kt?” he responded, he was pretty sure his tone wasn’t at all bristly.
“Don’t human women tend to keep their, I forget their name, but the secondary sex characteristic that is so bouncy and round, don’t they keep them covered?”
Fiss’stk fought down the bristle of irritation and tried not to mentally calculate the value of that spring as he wrestled with what-by-the-web his apprentice might have been talking about.
“I believe that human females are very mindful in general about keeping various body parts covered,” he said, “but that is very context dependent. For instance, in saunas-”
“Yes, yes,” his apprentice interrupted – actually interrupted! - him. “But I mean in open public spaces.”
“Yes,” Fiss’stk clicked out, knowing he sounded bristly this time. “Human females make it a point to keep covered with weave fabric in public, in this culture at least. Now -”
“Then why is this one uncovered?” Ktktk’kt demanded, shoving a distance viewer at him.
Fiss’stk felt the situation shift under his paws as what was clearly a very distress human came into his focal area. He had seen her around with her family, several fluffy little hatchlings and her mate, though he didn’t know her name.
“She is distressed!” Ktktk’kt pointed out. “I suspected as much from her public lack of social cover, but-”
“Please be silent while I determine if she is fleeing from or chasing something,” Fiss’stk said, and if he felt a bit of satisfaction at interrupting the fluffy little climber that was hardly relevant. He was pondering if he should call base security when the human suddenly lunged forward and down and snatched at something that was out of their line of sight behind a shrubbery line used for air purification, food growth, and ornamentation. Her displayed muscles tensed and bulged in that mammalian way that they would, and Fiss’stk say Ktktk’kt flinch in horror, but that quickly changed to relief as the human’s effort resulted in her pulling a fully naked infant human into sight and clasping it to her exposed upper half.
“I see!” Ktktk’kt said with relief. “She was merely perusing a hatchling who had escaped in a dangerous area.”
“Indeed,” Fiss’stk agreed after the polite six seconds. “I believe that it mentioned in my report that the damaged relays we are supposed to be repairing have been causing interruptions in the humans normal bathing facilities. Many have had to use share communal facilities. Which, as I was saying,” he angled his primary eyes accusingly at his apprentice, who had the grace to shuffle his hind-paws in embarrassment. “is a socially normative place for humans to leave more of their bodies uncovered. The derangement of their usual behavior probably led to the little one escaping to explore and therefore it’s mother to chase after it for safety.”
His apprentice gave a humble gesture of acknowledgment, both of the cultural information and the implied critique, and shuffled awkwardly on his hind-paws.
Fiss’stk felt a touch of sympathy for the fluff legs and drew in a long breath.
“It was right of you to interject if you thought the human was in danger or distress,” Fiss’stk said. “You preformed well.”
Ktktk’kt danced with delight at the praise and Fiss’stk felt irritated again.
“And now we have to go back to central and find a replacement because that was our last relay spring,” Fiss’stk said, gesturing in the general direction the previous one had disappeared.
“Why does this base still use springs?” Ktktk’kt asked as they began packing up their tools.
Fiss’stk didn’t bother waiting the polite six seconds. He did not need to hear yet another apprentice waxing poetic about the many, far more advanced ways they could set up the relays.
“Because springs work,” he said curtly, “and they are universally easy for sapient species to understand. Like how we all understand that chasing your hatchlings when they are in a dangerous environment overrides almost all merely social conventions. Your hatchling is in danger, you rescue them even if you end up showing the general population more of you than you rather like to, you push the spring, it pushes back. Simple concepts. Easy to understand.”
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Humans are Weird - Mockery

12/15/2025

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Humans are Weird - Mockery

 Gudgeon shifted the small-loaf he was chewing to a more comfortable position against his hind-teeth and heaved himself up against the safety railing that was just a little too high. Even at his full, hind-paw, height, he was just able to stick his head through the observation gap that marked the halfway height of the rail. Below him spread out the semi-sterile space the local human population used to clean their clothes in the traditional water-soak method. Gilbert Raymond, a local grainer with a small clutch at home was muttering to himself as he scrambled around the floor on all fours.
Gudgeon paused his chewing to hear the human’s voice better.
“...mocking me. That must be it. No other solution.” The human was growling out in irritated tones as he flattened himself out to shove his already long, flat fore paws under one of the machines.
He twisted and contorted his body comically before giving a satisfied grunt and wriggling backwards. Gripped tightly between the tips of his long fingers was a single sock, so small that it was clearly for the protection of his youngest hatchling’s toes. The human glared at the sock for a long moment before heaving his long, bipedal body upright. Swaying ever so slightly as humans did Gilbert scowled at the cleansing machine and shook his fist at it as if threatening violence.
“Don’t think for one moment that I don’t know what is going on here!” He growled. “You just want to make a fool of me in front of my wife. You would have spit this thing out instantly if she were here yesterday!”
The human waved the small sock in his other hand.
“Well! I am on to you! There will be no more of this! You will produce the socks in pairs as I wash them or else…” The human paused and wrinkled his soft face as if considering what would be an effective threat to a cloth cleansing machine. “There will be consequences!” The human finally settled on, before gathering up the basket of clothes and carrying it out of the room.
Gudgeon watched the human leave and began slowly chewing the remains of his small-loaf again. He dropped down to all fours and walked slowly out of the space until he came to a wall mounted comm unit. He heaved himself up on his hind legs and activated the link to his friend in the local mechanics group.
“Gudgeon!” his friend greeted him with delight, after wiping no small amount of machine lubricant off of his face so he could see. “What drives you to call me this time of day?”
“The cloth cleansing machines the human’s use,” Gudgeon replied.
“Did they slip a gear?” his friend asked in a skeptical tone.
“No, I just have a question about them,” Gudgeon assured him. “What level of communication are their computing systems capable of?”
“Hardly none!” his friend grunted dismissively. “The whole systems from tub to rotates was designed to be as simple as possible. The seals they use to keep the water in have more joints than the instructional gears.”
“Your gassing me,” Gudgeon said.
“A tooth or two,” his friend admitted with a little gurgle of amusement. “But just by the tips. Those are very simple machines. Built to do one job and do it well.”
“So they are not capable of acting with malicious intent?” Gudgeon asked.
His friend gave a proper belch of laughter.
“They aren’t capable of intent, free the gear!” He said.
“Curious,” Gudgeon muttered.
“Have you been brewing human nonsense again?” his friend asked.
“Perhaps,” Gudgeon admitted with an amused grunt. “But such brews are always better shared.”

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Humans are Weird – Tumble

12/12/2025

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 Humans are Weird – Tumble

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The woofing sound of human laughter chased Lungesup down the hill again and caught up with her as Human Friend Susie’s mass flopped over her in a mass of confusing, but joyful movements. The comforting weight of a smaller than average human pressed Lungesup down into the soft soil the humans called turf. The bright green ground cover cushioned the force of the dryland gravity and off-gassed delightful chemicals as their weight crushed it.
“Again!” Human Friend Susie called out as she gathered her four main appendages under her and sprang up to her usual bipedal stature.
Lungesup gave a hum of agreement and took a further moment to stretch and watch Human Friend Susie leap up the hill, against the gravity, with long, bouncing strides.
“What fantastic strength,” Lungesup observed.
Just then a Shatar, elderly by the graying at the edges of her long frill and seemingly shortened antenna, stepped out of the nearest building. Her broad triangular head was tilted to observe her data pad, and while the display was not clear to Lungesup at this distance it did seem to be displaying some kind of tracking display. Lungesup lingered at the base of the small hill in case the Shatar was tracking her. It was possible the tall inscetoid was looking for someone else but there were few resources on this side of the University wall to attract students or researchers.
As the Undulate had expected the Shatar quickly approached and soon turned her attention cone away from the tracking display and began trotting towards Lungesup with confident speed in her four legs.
“Greetings First Astronomer,” the Shatar called out. “I am Second Grandmother Segunda Proxima Hive.”
“Greetings Second Grandmother Segunda Proxima,” Lungesup replied. “Can I assist your drift in some way?”
“Yes,” the Shatar said, her short antenna relaxing, “I have just arrived to test for the position of Fifth Astronomer. I was informed that there would be an observatory located in a garden for me to use with Second Grandfather present.”
“Oh yes!” Lungesup said when she paused. “The one Human Friend Bertram built. He then grew a rose maze around it for the ‘romance’ I believe he called it. Do you find it meets your needs?”
“We do not,” Second Grandmother Segunda Proxima said with a grim set curling her antenna. “For one these ‘rose’ vines hardly reach over our antenna, and even in the places that they do meet in high enough arches they hardly block out a tenth of the solar radiation.”
“I sound your problem,” Lungesup said with concern. “Perhaps the thorns are a problem too now that I drift with that current.”
“Yes,” the Shatar said in what might have been a dry tone, Lungesup wasn’t quite certain, “the wood-hard spikes as long as my finger is thick with needle sharp tips are perhaps a problem.”
“Well,” Lungesup said. “That is our only garden with a built in observatory. However it will be fairly easy to modify one of the – what is wrong?”
The Shatar had suddenly gone stiff with horror and then sprinted forward a few unds, and then danced sideways, her frill straight out from her neck and her antenna arched with attention.
“The human has fallen from the top of the hill!” Second Grandmother Segunda Proxmia burst out. “She falling down- I can’t help her – too much mass-”
The Shatar paused and her abdomen expanded.
“I will apply first aid as soon as she stops falling. You call the medics to come quickly from the clinic-”
“No, I don’t think I will,” Lungesup said, trying not to wiggle with amusement at the display of stress, which was very touching after all.
The Shatar paused and rotated her head so far that Lungnesup was genuinely worried it might fall off.
“The human is in no danger,” Lungesup explained. “It is a controled decent. We have both done this several times already today.”
The Shatar turned to observe the human who was making good times down the hill towards them, and the Shtatar rotated her head just as far the other direction.
“Her vertical axis is horizontal!” Second Grandmother Segunda Proxmia finally managed to speak. “She is rotating around it! Her limbs-”
Lungesup waited politely until she was sure the Shatar had finished speaking.
“Her limbs are quit sturdy enough for this,” she said, shuffling over to pat the Shatar’s leg reassuringly. “Humans are quite sturdy you know.”
The human in question had ceased her rotational motion several unds from them and gave one final flop to land on her back. She then lay there laughing up at the sky.
“Sound that laugh,” Lungesup said, feeling her appendages curl in delight. “That is a happy human.”
“Human bodies are not supposed to move like that,” the Shatar said with faint horror.
“And yet they do,” Lunges up said. “And they put thorns in gardens so they can bask in solar radiation. Now, shall we sort out getting you and your mate a proper garden without those things.”

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Humans are Weird – Spooky

12/6/2025

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​ Humans are Weird – Spooky

Twistunder shuffled his appendages against the dry, dry curve of the shuttle and tried to ignore the chrono-display on the cabin wall. The steady rotation of the central sphere and the subtle alteration in the light only served to remind him of how long it would be before it would be responsible to take his next soak. Even then the water on the shuttle tasted of sterile ionization, but it was water. Twistunder reached out and switched the readout in front of him to the next page. The information was more than interesting, it was tide-turning news in the Survey Corps’ understanding of the migration patterns they were studying.
Twistunder shifted again and wondered why Human Friend Mack Dodge had left the main cabin. Having even one human present was enough to raise the ambient moisture in the air significantly, but this was the only room where it was warm enough for that to be useful. With another irritated prod at the dry floor Twistunder shuffled away from the interesting report and began hunting through the shuttle for the human. Of course he could have just commed Human Friend Mack Dodge, or asked the system where the human’s comm signal was coming from, but it was going to be a long acceleration back to the base and a hunt was a sort of entertainment. Sort of.
Twistunder far too quickly, found Human Friend Mack Dodge sitting cross-legged in the open observation deck at the top of the shuttle. The human appeared to have paused halfway through stripping out of his drift-suit and was staring out at the space ahead of them. Twistunder happily noted that the surfaces of the shuttle were noticeably more moisture rich hear and shuffled up beside the human.
“Beautiful,” the human said in a low tone but there was something uneasy in the sound that drew Twistunder’s attention out, away from his own discomfort. The human’s half dressed state left enough of his skin visible to give Twistunder a good look at how the human’s internal light danced over his stripes and the Undulate gave a concern hum.
Human Friend Mack Dodge was a very, very particular species of frightened. It was a kind that Twistunder had observed just often enough to recognize, though he had hardly begun to sound its depths. The human was seeing, or might be perceiving thought any sense really but seeing made the most sense in the context of the observation level, something that resembled on of his particular culture’s superstitions. Such situations gave the human lights a strange pattern, will and focus overpowering often genetically driven fear. Twistunder gave himself a shake and climbed into Human Friend Mack Dodge’s lap.
The human dropped a hand and gave him an absent pat, but did not change the vector his eyes indicated. Twistunder spread his leading appendages and absorbed the light of the nebula. Ahead of them the orange golds of the nebula gasses were cut through the the transits of hundreds of spacecraft. There were none on the sensors now, this was a slack time for travel, but enough passed this way on a regular basis that the path was visible as a corridor of thinner gasses. At the moment their own shuttle was passing through one of the sections where the lesser space whales’ migration path crossed this corridor. It was unquestionably visually interesting, with the twisting clouds of excrement catching the light in opalescent shapelessness, and there was a very real, if statistically improbable chance of a collision with a space whale. However that was a simple physical danger, and Human Friend Mack Dodge’s nervous system barely seemed to register those.
Though he knew their vastly different visual systems made it a difficult task Twistunder focused on what would be the most striking visual in the scene to the human. Of course he could just ask. Their relationship was close enough that Twistunder was confident that Human Friend Mack Dodge would be at least as honest with him as he was with himself. But where was the fun in a simple question when you might startle your friend with your observational abilities.
The most interesting thing in the otherwise empty corridor of space was the clouds of space whale ‘poo’ as the humans called it. The space whales excreted their waste in long, fibrous strands from two glands on the lagging ends of their bodies. A very recent discovery in fact. This resulted in two, closely spaced tubes that evaporated and gradually separated over time in the stillness of space. As the waste matter aged, much of it caught the gentle solar winds of the region and spread out in an effect not unlike the thin fog that formed over water on a cool day. The main two strands expanded and separated from each end, remaining attached at the center. Those same solar winds catching the loose ends and causing them to sway gently. The resulting shape was, Twistunder noted with a sudden trickle of inspiration, of a very similar shape and ratio to the bilateral symmetry of a human body. In fact…
“If you discount color and density,” Twistunder observed out loud, causing Human Friend Mack Dodge to jump slightly, “The space whale poo bears some resemblance to a human body.”
“You see it too?” Human Friend Mack Dodge asked, his heart rate accelerating and his colors flushing with relief and increased uneasiness both. “You never heard a humans say it first?”
“I have never heard a human say such a thing no,” Twistunder affirmed.
Human Friend Mack Dodge gave a laugh and made a weak attempt to adjust his position.
“Spooks is what they look like,” he said, still staring out at the scene.
“What are spooks?” Twistunder asked.
“Imagine,” Human Friend Mack Dodge said softly, “imagine if you took all the energy of a person. Their thoughts, their will, their actions and after they died you all that energy just, escaped the body and went wandering. That is what those spooks would look like to us.”
“Fascinating,” Twistunder said, taking the thought in his appendages and rotating it. “And when your explorers came upon the first space whale spoors it caused the speculation of these ‘spooks’?”
Human Friend Mack Dodge gave a short bark of laughter.
“No Twist, we brought the spooks with us from our home world. The idea was already there when the first poor spacer caught sight of one of those giant, body shaped figures moving past his port.”
“This idea is not pleasant to you,” Twistunder observed.
“Spooky is kind of by definition not pleasant,” the human admitted.
“They why do you choose to be here in the cold observation nook while we pass through the spooky area-” Twistunder paused as a memory drifted down to him, “and why did you choose this corridor through the nebula. There was an equivalent route available?”
Human Friend Mack Dodge laughed and unfolded his legs.
“Because sometimes something a little spooky is just what a man wants,” he said.
Twistunder processed that through the distraction of the movement.
“You enjoy being frightened?” he finally asked.
“When it’s like this,” Human Friend Mack Dodge said gesturing out the observation bubble. “Opalescent figures dancing along a black road studded with diamond stars and the softly glowing orange of the nebula laced through with the ebony of deep space beyond. It’s beautiful, eerie, I like it.”

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  • Home
    • Book 1 "Humans are Weird: I Have the Data"
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    • Book 4 "Humans are Weird: I Did the Math"
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