​ Humans are Weird – In the Groove


“How are you so good at this?” Five Clicks demanded as he shifted his datapad to the side and peered down from his perch at the Undulate poised, half on the surface of the table, half on the damp stone below it.
The Undulate, Rollstotheleft or something, Five Clicks was still having trouble remembering the names of his new engineering staff, was the only representative of his species at the long, oblong table. Several Shatar comprised the bulk of the crew, mostly cousins under the fifteenth degree under the supervision of a few single digit sisters, lining the table for most of its’ length. Their smooth, dry hands folded the complex shapes necessary for the carry pods and inserted the various supplies with delicate precision. However not even the single digit sisters were making half the time and accuracy that the usually lackadaisical Undulate was. His pile of supplies was the second largest at the table and the inspection flight that Five Clicks fronted for was swooping off on their third trip to the shipment bay.
“I really don’t see why you are so surprised,” the Undulate said as a flowing line of appendages passed a folded packet down the length of his body, tucking in the various supplies as it went before the last appendage dropped the completed item in the pile at his rear.
Although to be perfectly honest Five Clicks had never been able to accurately tell an Undulate’s leading end from his lagging end.
“This is just folding after all,” the Undulate said. “If there is one thing my species is optimized for it is folding.”
“You have no spatial reasoning!” Five Clicks exclaimed.
“Incorrect,” the Undulate stated in a prim tone as he tossed another completed pack onto the pile, “what we lack is the ability to calculate the vectors of incoming projectiles. As soon as an item is in our grasp we have excellent spatial reasoning.”
“Well the humans are still faster,” Five Clicks said with a sigh.
“Yes,” the Undulate in an amused tone, “the three humans are managing to significantly outperform me by combining their efforts.”
Five Clicks sighed again and flitted over to check on the Shatar. A cousin, small by female Shatar standards was meticulously placing a respirator into its assigned fold before reaching for and empty packet that had clearly held a water purifier. She gave a click of distress when she realized it was empty, but before Five Clicks could help her a sister swept up and replaced the pack, only pausing to stroke antenna with the distressed cousin.
“Our Winged friends will be so happy when they get these packs,” the sister said with a hint of pride in her voice. “You are being such a good help!”
The cousin chirped happily and accepted the packet and the caress with good grace. Five Clicks was about to confirm the sister’s statement but the sister tilted her head at him and set her mandibles in a stern angle. Five Clicks backed off. He wasn’t sure exactly why the sisters were so protective of the lesser cousins, but he had learned to respect their fury if you disturbed them. It was a sign of the trust and friendship that existed between the base of Winged and the local hives that they were allowed to meet any cousin past the fifteenth degree at all, let alone that the fathers risked sending them out of the gardens to help with something so stressful. Five Clicks wasn’t going to mess that up by offending an eighth sister.
“The humans,” Five Clicks turned at the soft click and fluttered down to land on the shoulder of the senior sister.
“What about the humans?” Five Clicks asked glancing at his notes, “Ah, Third Sister?”
“Fifth Sister,” she replied dryly, “I was wondering if you had thought to check their hydration and nutrition status?”
Five Clicks squinted up at her.
“As I am neither their medic nor their commanding officer, no, I have not,” he said, wrinkling his nose in confusion.
“It might be worth your efforts,” Fifth Sister said, dislodging him from her shoulder with a shake. “Given the essential and imperative nature of our work the humans are likely to suppress their trained safety protocols.”
Five Clicks tried to make sense of that. He glared over at the three humans hunched over the end of the table. One was folding the packs with the speed of the Undulate, then tossing it to the second who filled it with supplies with the delicacy of the Shatar. The full pack was then passed to the third human who sealed it and stacked it for the Winged to gather.
“And what danger do they need protocols to defend against in a Shatar garden on an established colony world?” Five Clicks asked.
“Dehydration and fatigue strain mostly,” Fifth Sister said. “That and the complications of slips, trips and falls. Once a human gets too fatigued the dangers begin to multiply.”
Five Clicks sighed and fluttered over to the trio. He knew better than to question a warning from a senior sister.
“Human Friend Fred?” he asked.
The human folding the packets glanced up at him and grinned.
“It’s Fiona,” she said with a laugh, “but yes?”
“Have you availed yourself of the refreshments we have provided yet?” Five Clicks asked. “I am told that humans find the savory juices particularly refreshing.”
“We will,” Human Friend Fiona said with a dismissive toss of her head. “We just got in the groove.”
A murmur of agreement came from the other two humans. Five Clicks had not idea what a “groove” could mean in this context, but now that he was looking he could see the clear indicators of dehydration and hyper-focus on the humans’ faces. Luckily those were rather universal in mammals. Five Clicks reviewed the instructions in his mind, find the lowest ranked human physically, preferably one with an injury or a physical weakness. All three humans were healthy and sound but one was significantly older than the others. Five Clicks made aggressive eye contact as the manual suggested and repeated.
“The savory juices are particularly refreshing.”
The human he had selected twitched and Five Clicks witnessed the moment his meaning was processed. The human straightened and stretched.
“I could use some savory juice,” the human said in a tone of obviously enforced duty.
The other two humans paused and looked longingly at the pile of completed packs, but they sighed and stood with various noises popping from their massive joints.
“Juice break it is,” Human Friend Fiona said with a sigh.
“We have the groove now,” the third human offered soothingly. “We’ll be able to jump right back in after a break.”
The three massive mammals wandered towards the food table and Five Clicks turned his attention to the next problem on his list.  

"Humans are Weird: I Have the Data"



What does it mean when your human friend says “Watch This?”? Why does this simple phrase seem to terrify any alien that has first appendage experience with humans? #HFY #HumansAreWeird #HumansAreSpaceOrcs #EarthIsADeathWorld #EarthIsSpaceAustralia



Amazon (Kindle, Paperback, Audiobook)


Barnes & Nobel (Nook, Paperback, Audiobook)


Kobo by Rakuten (ebook and Audiobook)


Google Play Books (ebook and Audiobook)




Hey! The books are moving well on Amazon and now have 140 reviews and ratings! If you bought the book and enjoyed it, it would really help me out if you leave a quick star rating on Amazon. A review would be great but just stars would be a huge boost *****!
​

QUICK NOTE: RE: everyone who asked. The book is avaliable in Amazon regions US-UK-DE-FR-ES-IT-NL-JP-BR-CA-MX-AU-IN. HOWEVER The above link only takes you to the US Amazon site. The one indicated by the .com ending. If it says "not avaliable in your country" that just means that you need to click over to your Amazon region.


Of course if you want a signed first edition you can email me at the email on my website and I can ship you a signed Author copy of the first edition for the same price as the crowdfunding campaign $35 domestic and $50 overseas. I'll do that until I run out of extra books.
AMAZON

 Humans are Weird – Smoke on the Water


The low rumbling of the combustion engine was oddly soothing wing medic Twenty-Trills thought as she adjusted the final strap of the respirator on the trembling warrior in front of her.
“You just take it easy no marine,” she clicked down at him.
She didn’t really understand why using the human term was so universally pleasing to the massive warriors, but it did its work. The warrior gave a weak, but sincere tilt to his ears. He was clearly recovering. She glanced around to see if any of the other members of either wing huddled in the center of the spacious storage compartment were free to begin grooming the warriors ash covered fur. However everyone who was awake enough and uninjured enough was already tooth deep in a grooming partner already. She glanced uneasily at her own digit ends and tested the strength of her joints in her mind. As she already knew everything hurt. Her claws were actually beginning to bleed at the quick. Other Wingeds’ blood and fluids caked ash and who could sound what else in her joints. She suppressed a sigh. No point in starting to groom a traumatized warrior if she was just going to collapse on him mid groom.
“I am going to take a rest now,” she announced to no one in particular.
There was a soft sussuration of agreement as the portion of the wings who were awake expressed their approval of her plan. She did a quick headcount of the officers as she moved towards the rounded rectangle of light that comprised most of the front of the compartment. As she had suspected she was the highest ranking member of her species conscious at the moment. She fought back another groan and staggered to the last set of restraints before the compartment ended. It was a bit disturbing to deliberately distance herself from the rest of her wing but the frantic loading process when the camp had been evacuated had resulted in the wing being essentially centered in the space and someone needed to act as liaison with the humans.
The humans who were eerily quiet for people who were supposed to be piloting a transport large enough to count as a base in itself with all the piloting AI disengaged. Twenty-Trills stretched up her wing to shield her eyes from the light and peered at the three massive mammalian bodies folded around the control couch. The two passengers, a male and female of about the same mass appeared to be sleeping. The male leaned his head against his curled fist and said fist against the window and had hunched his shoulders in an effort to center his weight. The female (the youngest of the group by a few decades) had also hunched her shoulders and was leaning back in the seat, her head nodding on her trunk of a neck. The smallest (if that superlative adjective could even be applied here) human, who also happened to be the oldest human female Twenty-Trills had ever seen had her eyes focused on the optimistically labeled road they were following back to the base. They hardly seemed to be paying attention and all and Twenty-Trills twitched in irritation.
The entire transport suddenly shuddered as the wheels struck an inequality on the surface and the medic winced. Fortunately for all the broken bones and dislocated joints in the wing the compartment they were in was stabilized on gyroscopes. She hadn’t felt a thing but witnessing the world swerve like that with no physical sensation to match was not a pleasant experience. It did however give her reason to reconsider the huamans’ attention levels. The dozing male angled his head and opened on eyelid a fraction to monitor the reaction of the pilot. The pilot had reacted to minimize the disruption to the passengers without taking her eyes off the road but now proceeded to check all monitors and windows. The dozing female glanced back at the compartment and her eyes tracked the dim space for a few wingbeats as she looked for an officer.
“Hey, you the medic?” the human called out in a soft, deep tone.
“I am the medic,” Twenty-Trills confirmed.
“That bump didn’t jostle you?” the human asked.
“Not at all,” Twenty-Trills replied. “The gyroscopes on this compartment are quite capable.”
The human’s face split open into a grin that exposed her massive rocks of teeth.
“Good,” she said. “We’re not a medical transport you know. It was really lucky we had the crystal carrier handy.”
“Really lucky,” Twenty-Trills replied, unsure of the meaning but more than willing to let the humans offer adjectives at this point.
She was so tired.
The male human had turned his head to look out the window now as they rounded a sharp corner in the road and the local body of water, a loch the humans called it, came into view. Twenty-Trills shuddered at the wispy cloud of ash that poured over the side of the surrounding hills and spilled into the valley. There wasn’t much material in the air here, so far from their abandoned camp, but that there was any at all was a harsh reminder of what they had barely survived. The humans seemed to be having a different reaction. The male straightened a bit, as if to free his lungs, and emitted a low, musical hum.
“Smoke on the water,” sang out the driver softly.
“Fire in the sky,” the youngest female answered her, drawing the last syllable out in a croon.
The thought that she should probably be concerned about that last line if it was a description of the observed reality crossed Twenty-Trill’s mind, but she was so tired she could hardly find the energy to position her wings correctly, let alone investigate atmospheric phenomenon that the humans clearly had under control. The older two humans started and each turned as much attention on the youngest as their situations allowed. The male twisting his body around and straitening his massive spine and the female angling her eyes at her junior. The younger female didn’t seem to notice their contorted faces and changed positions at first but after a few moments she turned her attention back from the ash stream and glanced between her companions.
“What?” she asked.
“How do you know that song?” demanded the older female with a laugh.
“Everyone knows that song!” the younger protested, wrinkling her nose in an almost Winged expression of perplexity.
“Do you know the meaning?” the male demanded.
The eldest female shushed him.
“Or the context?” the male asked in a whisper, glancing back into the compartment.
“To be honest,” the younger female said with a laugh, “I really only know those two lines, but really, why are you two so shocked when I get the most common cultural reference?”
“You just have an air of being innocent sweetie,” the female said with a grin.
“How innocent do you have to be to not know the proper response to smoke on the water?”
Their voices began to fade out as Twenty-Trills let sleep creep up her wingtips. She probably should stand watch, but what really was the point of having allies who considered the ground pulverizing itself and spewing itself into the air as a topic for cultural debate rather than a natural disaster if you couldn’t let them deal with this updraft once in a while?
"Humans are Weird: I Have the Data"



What does it mean when your human friend says “Watch This?”? Why does this simple phrase seem to terrify any alien that has first appendage experience with humans? #HFY #HumansAreWeird #HumansAreSpaceOrcs #EarthIsADeathWorld #EarthIsSpaceAustralia



Amazon (Kindle, Paperback, Audiobook)


Barnes & Nobel (Nook, Paperback, Audiobook)


Kobo by Rakuten (ebook and Audiobook)


Google Play Books (ebook and Audiobook)




Hey! The books are moving well on Amazon and now have 136 reviews and ratings! If you bought the book and enjoyed it, it would really help me out if you leave a quick star rating on Amazon. A review would be great but just stars would be a huge boost *****!
​

QUICK NOTE: RE: everyone who asked. The book is avaliable in Amazon regions US-UK-DE-FR-ES-IT-NL-JP-BR-CA-MX-AU-IN. HOWEVER The above link only takes you to the US Amazon site. The one indicated by the .com ending. If it says "not avaliable in your country" that just means that you need to click over to your Amazon region.


Of course if you want a signed first edition you can email me at the email on my website and I can ship you a signed Author copy of the first edition for the same price as the crowdfunding campaign $35 domestic and $50 overseas. I'll do that until I run out of extra books.
AMAZON