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Humans are Weird - Tops

9/27/2025

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Humans are Weird - Tops

​Twenty-Trills cinched her carry pack a little tighter to her ribcage as her foot-claws dug around in her bag and her wingmates jostled and bumped around her in their excitement to get started. One, two, three, four, five regulation sized packs of saline solution; each containing enough individual doses to clean out the eyes of every deployed member of her wing. This was in addition to the ones stored in the massive transport the humans were allowing them to travel in, but those were under the wings of the quartermaster and she wouldn’t be able to get access to them until they reached the site of their destroyed camp. The weight they added to her carry pack was substantial, but she would be able to rest in the transport much of the way.
Her final survey done, she spread her wings and darted up, and up, past the highest scouts, until she could see past the first barrier of mountains that had shielded the main Survey Ranger Corps base from what she had learned was a volcanic eruption. The massive clouds of ash, smoke, and just straight down rocks had cleared, all the material falling back to the ground where it belonged, but a thin wisp of steam, no doubt super heated by the pulsing, almost living rock of the planet, still drifted up into the blue sky. Twenty-Trills hissed at it as her flight bulged up under her, about half of the flight starting to follow her up, before getting distracted and drifting back down. Eventually only the wing-commander made it to her elevation in the cold, morning air.
“Anything to report medic?” He asked briskly, his thinning fur puffed against the temperature.
“Nothing new,” she replied, “just that.”
He stared grimly at the evidence of the planet misbehaving and then shook himself.
“The geologists say the dangerous portion of the eruption is over,” he commented.
What he might have said further was interrupted by a resounding metallic gong. Below them the three humans who would be escorting them back to their camp were tossing their massive carry packs into the now empty cargo compartment of the transport. The gong had been the male setting his personal water container, which not only could have held all of Twenty-Trills’s saline solution but herself as well, on top of the transport.
The wing-commander trilled out the order to board and the flight rushed down and poured through the door the human male had just opened, causing him to jump away from the cab of the transport with a deep, booming yelp. The two human females who had already loaded in joined in the amused chittering at his reaction as they all secured the restraints necessary for a transport with an internal combustion engine, no real momentum absorption technology, and velocity capacity that made the base safety officer loose his fur at an accelerated rate. The human male was the last to load after doing a final check of the outer latch points for the small amount of cargo they were carrying out, mostly water and digging tools. He slung himself into an outer seat and the elder female started the engine and set the vehicle moving . Twenty-Trills heard the metal water container shift on the roof above them through the insulation on the inside of the transport.
“Is it a magnetic lock?” She asked.
However, the human didn’t notice the question and she gave an irritated chitter at her mistake. She dug a roll of white tape out of her bag and attached it to one wing hook and began waving it vigorously. The younger human female noticed first, tracked her line of sight, and nudged the male with her elbow. The male turned and smiled at Twenty-Trills.
“’Sup Doc?” he asked.
“Oh, I have nothing associated with my professional position to ask,” she assured him. “It’s purely a matter of curiosity. Was it magnetic attachments? Because the weight of the water doesn’t seem enough to warp the roof but-”
“Is what magnetic?” he asked.
“The attachment point for your personal water container-”
At that point the human male’s hand reached for the round slot in the door and finding nothing there his face flushed with horror.
“Carrie,” he said, turning an urgent look on the elder female, “slow-”
The transport reached a corner and the cab resounded with a massive gong sound as the water container tumbled onto its cylindrical side and the shot past the window, impacting on the ground and breaking into three parts, releasing its water into the soil of the road. The human male yelped and the transport surged to a stop. He leapt out and gathered up the pieces while the flight chattered around Twenty-Trills, waiting to see if this was harmless enough to be counted amusement. From the wide grins on the females faces it was and though the male did not look happy when he resumed his seat, his pheromone profile was not scenting of stress.
“No,” he said addressing Twenty-Trills as the transport resumed moving. “It wasn’t attached magnetically.”
“Then why did you leave it up there?” demanded a voice from behind Twenty-Trills.
“For your entertainment!” Called out the clearly amused elder female. The flight chittered in amusement at the clear joke as the male strained to reassemble the container and Twenty-Trills settled down to ponder. Why had the human left his water container on top of the transport.




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Humans are Weird – Kraut

9/15/2025

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 Humans are Weird – Kraut

 “And what exactly do you expect to pull out of this exercise?” Base Director Tapsself asked, his appendages slumping with fatigue and irritation.
“A league deep overview of the situation,” Probesalong said quickly, hoping he wasn’t presenting his idea too quickly, that it wasn’t too obvious that this was a desperate last clutch. “It is an idea I got from human friend Zhang Wei-”
“Of course this drifted down from a human,” Tapsself said in subdued gestures.
Probesalong chose to ignore the inturption.
“The idea is that you arrange all of the data in a visual format by creating a visual map,” Probesalong stated.
“And you want to use the primary base entertainment pool for this,” Tapsself said, shifting his appendages into a more professional shape. “You want to take up half a day while the pool could be being used by pods wanting to educate their young, entertain hard working rangers with limited recreation time, or even, perhaps, bring in resources for the base as it was originally intended to do?”
His speech done,Tapsself arranged his appendages in the loose arches that indicated that the questions were far more rhetorical than anything else. Probesalong considered his answer options. He had already laid out the importance of solving the mystery. A base wide infection of particularly virulent bacteria that seemed to spawn and re-spawn out of some mysterious deeps no matter how many times the eradicated it was more than justification for taking up an entertainment pool for however long was needed, but Probesalong had already made that case. So he kept his response to one simple gesture.
“Yes?”
Tapsself let a ripple of exasperation flow down his body and reached into a storage compartment beside his working pool. Probesalong could not contain a wriggle of delighted relief as Tapsself pulled out the pool-stone key and tossed it down in-between them.
“I hope to see results from this unorthodox methodology,” he said with a stern set to his appendages.
Then he slumped down against the floor of his working pool.
“The documentation for this is going to take days to format either way,” he said, presumably to himself as Probesalong snatched up the pool-stone key and scrambled out of the room.
He met Dragsafter in the waiting pool outside and waved the pool-stone key triumphantly. His assistant didn’t respond with words but his appendages danced over the bed of the stream with delight. Using the large entertainment pool to create a visible map of the mysterious pathogen’s spread had been mostly the assistant’s idea.
It was a fairly long swim to the entertainment pool and when they reached it a small pod of families was bouncing out with their little ones. The small ones were gesturing wildly about some apparently terrifying animal they had been learning about. Some creature with a ‘mouth’ like humans, but a mouth big enough that it carried its own small ones in it. Probesalong and Dragsafter swam up and clung to an overhead arch while the happy, chaotic little mob passed below them. Giving friendly gestures to the small ones who noted them there. It took several minutes to convince the clerk in charge of the entertainment pool’s schedule that they did in fact have official orders to use the pool for what they needed but soon they were passing through the membrane into the carefully controlled density of the inner fluid. The familiar taste of the salts and sugars used to maintain the density necessary to allow an Undulate’s mass to float in the center of the space, with the screens playing out all around them touched their appendages and the wriggled through the mix to the optimum viewing spot.
“Human Friend Zhang Wei say that human entertainment spaces are much larger,” Dragsafter commented as he touched his data-stone to the pool-stone key. “Their eyes are most comfortable with the story images at a significant distance from them.”
“They also prefer far less fluid in their environments,” Probesalong agreed in the spirit of friendly conversation as the surfaces around them rippled, and changed to a dim coral color representation a highly stylized interior map of the base with transparent walls just barely visible.
Dragsafter set the playback of their collected data to begin from several weeks ago and a brilliant splash of contrasting color spawned in a stream on the north end of the base.
“That was the first recorded contamination,” Dragsafter observed.
The initial color faded, representing the healthy micorfauna of their base fighting off the intruding bacteria. Slowly at first, and then more quickly, the colors began appearing in different places, growing denser and more frequent as they had actually started actively looking for contamination. Quickly, there was only a few weeks of data after all the playback reached the current time and ended. They both knew that there was little chance of noting anything of importance on the first attempt but Probesalong couldn’t help but notice the disappointed set to Dragsafter’s appendages as he set it to replay.
“We have half a day,” Probesalong pointed out. “We didn’t expect this to go quickly.”
They watched the patterns play out several times when the pool membrane shivered and the pool clerk swam in carrying his meal, a nice, thready green algae, with him. He swam up to a polite distance that neither invited, nor discouraged conversation and spread the appendages he wasn’t using to eat to curiously observe the display. Dragsafter angled his appendages facing away from the clerk to ask if he should send the clerk away but Probesalong responded with a negative. There was no reason to keep this secret and if the clerk was entertained why not let him watch? They were on the fourth replay the clerk had seen, and the algae he had eaten was clearly drained of any taste when the clerk gave himself a shake and commented with amusement in his appendages.
“The human did it,” with that cryptic reply the clerk began to swim back towards the exit membrane.
“I am sorry, what?” Probesalong demanded, after his surprise had passed.
“The human did it,” the clerk repeated. “Whatever this game is-”
“It’s not a game!” Dragsafter snapped out. “This is serious forensic-”
Probesalong gestures for him to hold his appendages still.
“How do you conclude that from this data?”
“Well,” the clerk said, swimming back to the center of the pool. “I watch a lot of visual representations, so I have gotten good at spotting visual patterns. I think you will see it better if...do you think you could only show the contaminate marks on solid, above water surfaces?”
Dragsafter seemed a little affronted but Prodsalong gestured for him to do it.
“Now show, the part where, well, any part in the middle of the timelapse would work,” the clerk said.
Dragsafter set the display to such a time and they absorbed the lights around them.
“Do you see?” the clerk asked.
Prodsalong gave a slow gesture of conditional understanding. The majority of the contamination marks above water were in the distinctive shape of human appendage ends, with the wide, flat center and five sub-appendages. Both the longer ‘feet’ and the rounder ‘hands’ were distinctly discernible.
“But that doesn’t mean anything!” Dragsafter protested. “Or, it only just means that Human Friend Zhang Wei touched the contaminate at some point!”
“Yes,” agreed the clerk, “but look at the intensity patterns. Not only are his handprints the greatest concentration of growth, the most intense concentrations are closest to his personal pool. Or am I reading the color gradients and their meanings wrong?”
Dragsafter hesitated, but gestured agreement. Prodsalong could also see the truth in the statement. With the water-born contaminants removed the source of the contamination was clear.
“Now you can swim off and consult Human Friend Zhang Wie and leave my entertainment pool to the next pod who originally had it reserved!” the clerk said cheerfully, before swimming out through the membrane.
Dragsafter grumbled a bit but removed his data-stone from the control-stone and the surfaces rippled back to the standby state. It was a fairly long swim up to the human level where Human Friend Zhang Wei rested, but fortunately the human was in. They ‘knocked’ on his door, an auditory way of asking to enter a human’s personal pool that was particularly suited to Undulate appendage strengths and were greeted with delight by their friend.
“Welcome! Welcome!” the human called out, bending down to scoop them both up in his arms. “I just finished lunch but-”
“Things in the Deeps!” Dragsafter yelped out, stiffening every appendage so fast that he nearly dropped the sensor he had prepared.
“Language Friend Dragon,” Human Friend Zhang Wei said with mild amusement in his appendages as he wrestled with the stiff Undulate to prevent dropping them both. “What distresses you so much?”
“You are covered in bacteria!” Dragsafter declared waving the sensor.
“Uh-huh…” Human Friend Zhang Wei angled his eyes at Prodsalong and the older Undulate couldn’t help a small wriggle of amusement.
“Perhaps you should indicated to our friend how this situation differs from his usual ambient microbial microfauna situation,” he pointed out as Human Friend Zhang Wei set them down on a large piece of furniture.
“It’s bad bacteria!” Dragsafter exclaimed, grabbing onto the human’s hand and repeatedly prodding it with the sensor. “From this planet! Not your pet Earth microbes. This is localized contamination to your hands, and … and sweet starlight! It’s in your mouth!”
“Slow down Friend Dragon,” Human Friend Zhang Wei said in gentle tones, “are you talking about that pathogen you’ve been chasing for weeks. We already knew the humans on base were contaminated. It’s not been anything our T-cells couldn’t take. So what’s-”
“I think the concentration is the issue,” Prodsalong explained before Dragsafter could interject again.
Dragsafter held up his data-stone which displayed the readings he was getting and Human Friend Zhang Wei gave a long ‘whistle’, a high-pitched wordless sound humans seemed to use for emotional emphasis.
“Would you look at that!” he said. “I am contaminated. How’d that happen I wonder?”
Dragsafter was waving the sensor around and suddenly scrambled towards what appeared to be an ornamental stone jar just about large enough to hold an Undulate in a compressed mood. Dragsafter waved the sensor over it and recoiled in horror.
“It is in your food supply!” Dragsafter exclaimed! “We’ll have to incinerate the lot!”
“Yu! Yu!” Human Friend Zhang Wie exclaimed, snatching Dragsafter up and pulling him away from the jar. “Is your sensor working? I have been eating out of that for weeks and I am fine!”
“For how long have you been eating the contents of that container?” Prodsalong asked.
“Since…” Human Friend Zhang Wei frowned and gave an uneasy glance at the jar even as he wrested with Dragsafter. “Since right around the time you started reporting finding the contaminant.” He admitted.
“Where did you get this food?” Prodsalong asked, scrambling up to the stone container.
“I didn’t get it,” Human Friend Zhang Wei said. “I made it. It is an old recipe, suan cai, or I think the more common term is sauerkraut? My ancestors have made this for hundreds of generations. It was never a problem….”
“And how is it made?” Prodsalong asked as Dragsafter escaped Human Friend Zhang Wei’s grip and began coating the container in a sealing foam.
“It’s fermented mustard greens,” Human Friend Zhang Wei said looking sadly at his stone container. “I had the hardest time getting it to start fermenting too. The cultures just wouldn’t seem to take on the base.”
“How did you finally get the fermentation process to start?” Prodsalong asked as he begin entering the hazardous materials data.
Human Friend Zhang Wei did not respond with human words but writhed in a way that communicated regret, guilt, and deep embarrassment.
“How did you get the fermentation process to start? Prodsalong asked with growing exasperation.
“I took the jar outside during the inoculation phase,” Human Friend Zhang Wei said quietly.
There was a moment of quiet in the room as the two Undulates absorbed that.
“So you deliberately took a food item out of the base’s known safe micro-ecosystem and courted an unknown alien bacteria, so you could have a food source,” Prodsalong said slowly.
Human Friend Zhang Wei reached a hand up to rub the back of his neck.
“It sounds kind of mad when you put it like that,” he admitted.
“Are your nutrient needs not being met?” Dragsafter demanded, concerned for his friend now that the source of the contaminant was contained. “Do we need to talk to the synthesizer for more nutrients?”
“No, no!” Human Friend Zhang Wei insisted, raising his hands defensively. “I wasn’t craving suan cai or anything like that. I don’t even like it that much.”
“Then why did you even start the fermenting process?” Dragsafter demanded. “Let alone risk your life to continue it?”
Human Friend Zhang Wei shrugged his shoulders in a gesture that indicated a personal lack of understanding.
“It was fun,” he said. “I like growing things.”
“I too like growing things,” Dragsafter said as he attached a flotation pod to the stone container, now thoroughly covered in containment foam. “And if eating the result is not the end goal I can gift you a cutting of my golden colony?”
“You would do that?” Human Friend Zhang Wei asked, his face wrinkling with delight.
“I would be delighted to,” Dragsafter replied. “You can even grow it in this same jar if you like after it is decontaminated. Help me get it to the nearest transport stream on your way to the medical pool?”
“Sure I’ll help you,” Human Friend Zhang Wei said, lifting the jar easily in one hand, “but I’m not going to the-”
“Yes you are,” interject Prodsalong grimly. “You may go now, or you may wait for the base director to order it, but you and your gut full of alien bacteria are going to the medical pool.”
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Humans are Weird - Circulation

9/8/2025

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Humans are Weird - Circulation

​ The strange human music pulsed through the dense air as Survey Corps Ranger Cest’kk carefully arranged the one-thousand seven-hundredth forty-fifth aquatic invertebrate specimen on the display slide with his claw tips and set the slide cover over the still wriggling creature with a satisfying click. The electromagnetic stasis field activated perfectly this time, freezing the creature in place, and Cest’kk felt every limb relax a little and even begin tapping in time to the human music. Really, the slides had worked very well today over all, but when one was processing hundreds of specimens, even a less than one percent failure rate grew agitating.
Cest’kk took a moment to flex one paw at a time, working stuffiness out of his joints. Behind him Survey Core Ranger Robberrtss was whistling a tune while resetting the traps. Due to the local sun shining down with no clouds for the first time this trip, the human had shed most of his uniform, trusting to his own robust immune system to protect him from the microscopic inhabitants of the stream they were surveying. Cest’kk certainly had opinions about that, but Robberrtss was well past mental maturity for his species and his actions were not directly against regulations.
“Some human or the other is going to be the first to catch whatever this ecosystem can throw at us,” Robberrtss had said when Cest’kk had brought up unknown parasites in the water that was still being surveyed. “Might as well be me as anyone else!”
The courage of the sentiment was unquestionable, the sense of it...Cest’kk shrugged a few legs and resumed his work. He finished the slides well before the local sun dipped below the horizon and called Robberrtss over to help load the air-cart. In addition to the rack of slides preserving the live invertebrates Robberrts had several ‘cool rocks’ to send back to the geologists at the main base and a ‘goop thing’ that didn’t seem to have any cells but didn’t quite seem abiotic either. A quick calculation showed that there was not nearly enough weight capacity for all the specimens and Robberrtss spent no little time culling the ‘cool rock’ collection before they could send the air-cart back to base and return to their own camp. However eventually he did finish, shoving the remaining ‘cook rocks’ into the pockets of the small clothing item he had chosen to wear. He held out his hands to Cest’kk who had just finished repacking his satchel with his tools.
“Ally’oop lil’ buddy!” Robberrtss called out.
Cest’kk gratefully leapt up into the offered hand, and clicked his mandibles so hard he felt a spark of pain in their joints.
“What’s wrong Cesty?” Robberrtss asked as Cest’kk scrambled off of the human’s hand and up his arm.
Normally Cest’kk was very, very mindful of the damage his claws could do to the human’s outer membrane, and he was glad to note that no blood dripped from the places he secured his grip on the mammal on the way up.
“What is wrong with your hands?” Cest’kk demanded once he reached the marginally more comfortable shoulder, however the effect was noticeable there as well, only the skin around the head and neck seemed unaffected.
“What?” Robberrtss asked, raising his hands into his narrow field of vision. “My hands are fine.”
“They have dropped, ten maybe twenty percent in temperature!” Cest’kk exclaimed shifting his satchel to a better position to be able to gesture at the human. “I know how mammals work! That is not good!”
Robberrtss gave a huff of laughter and set his eyes roiling around in their sockets, a thing he must know disturbed Cest’kk to no end.
“I am fine Cesty,” the human said firmly, beginning to walk back towards the bank and their camp. “When a human in in the water the body just draws all the heat into the core. My body as a whole has plenty of heat, it’s just that my hands aren’t a priority at the moment.”
Cest’kk dug through his satchel and pulled out a bioreader. Robberrtss heaved a sigh of exasperation but held out the relevant body part, the joint where his hand met his arm, for Cest’kk to get the reading.
“See Cesty?” Robberrtss said in a tone humans used to patronize others. “The temp is just…”
Robberrtss voice trailed off as he looked at the display.
“Okay,” the human said slowly, “yeah, no, yeah, that is maybe,not the best number to see there.”
“How are you even vertical?” Cest’kk demanded. “According to this you should be non-responsive!”
“Eh,” the human said shrugging his shoulders before scrambling up the bank. “Different strokes for different humans.”
“Stroke?” Cest’kk exclaimed, frantically reaching for his tablet and its list of human medical terms. “I need to observe you for a...that was a bad medical word wasn’t it? Let me pull up-”
“Common word, two meanings!” Robberrtss said laughing. “I just meant I am a little tougher when it comes to changes in body temp than the, let’s call it a ‘textbook’ human. Look, I am clearly vertical and responsive as you said. Now let’s get back to camp and I promise I’ll seal myself up in my sleeping bag.”
“Is that the suggested medical intervention?” Cest’kk demanded.
He wasn’t a mammal expert but he was pretty sure he remembered from his first aid training that once their temperature dipped too low they needed intervention to bring it up again.
“No medical intervention is necessary,” Robberrtss insisted, “I’ll just eat some quick digesting food and let my metabolism and the sleeping bag do its thing, but hey, if it makes you happy I’ll hook up the water pump feature and put the bag in hot-soak mode. Yeah, that’ll feel real good and get me toasty quick.”
“That sounds acceptable,” Cest’kk agreed.
It did sound like what they had gone over in the first aid training.
“And you know what they say,” Robberrtss said, twisting his face into the shape that usually indicated an attempt at a joke was coming. “Cold hands warm heart!”
“If you collapse before we can return to our camp I do not see what temporarily preserving your internal organ temperature will do for your survival chances,” Cest’kk snapped.
Robberrtss rolled his eyes again and gave a low chuckle, as if to make up for Cest’kk’s lack of amusement as the returned to their camp.
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Humans are Weird - Bittersweet

9/5/2025

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​Humans are Weird - Bittersweet

 Human First Mother Maria breathed a soft sigh and dipped her lips, those strangely flexible mandible covers, down to press them into the very, very round cheek’s of her First Brother. The way both humans’ outer membranes flexed and indented at the pressure still made First Father’s antenna curl with lingering shock, but at least their pheromones were natural and easy to interpret even if their more solid parts weren’t. First Father gave an approving click and reached up to carefully run his wooden tending brush down the egg pod in front of him. The precious little one within gave a responsive wriggle and Human First Mother Maria lifted her head as her face contorted into a smile that expressed delight.
“Do you know if it is a boy or girl yet?” she asked.
First Father hesitated at the odd question, and then reminded himself that human young entered their hives in nearly identical ratios, in fact he mused, he thought he’d heard from a visiting statistician they actually had a very small sway towards male offspring at birth.
“It is almost certainly a Daughter,” he said, “for whatever reason, it was explained to me when I was small, it is almost unheard of for a Brother to be the first to hatch from a line. Something about how pheromones flow during the first seasons of mating.”
The human bobbed her head up and down in that oddly jointed way humans did to show understanding.
“I bet you can’t wait to get her out of that pod so you can properly cuddle her,” the human First Mother said, her bifocal eyes directed at her own little one. “I was so very ready for Dickky by the time he made his entrance!”
First Father clicked in amusement. “It is, not quite the same,” he explained, reached up to caress the pod with his fingers. “See how the outer membrane of the pod is translucent now, nearly transparent. If I can’t quite see my Daughter yet, I can taste her pheromones, hear her clicking. This stage is probably more akin to the newborn stage you were telling me of. Recall that when she leaves the pod this little one will be able to walk.”
“Oh!” the human said, clearly pondering that even as her arms wrestled with the very, very round little male she held.
“As to how I will feel,” First Father mused, working his mandibles together thoughtfully, “I truly don’t think I will be disappointed. There is so much more to do with a walking Daughter than one who is still on the vine. That will be wonderful, but then I will have to share her with my mate’s Sisters, and her Mother and Father. There is an intimacy, perhaps a selfish one to this stage that I think I will miss.”
The human nodded more slowly this time.
“I understand,” she said in deeper, slower tones. “I was bathing with little Dickky the other day, and it occurred to me that, well, that time would steal this from me, that I wouldn’t be able to be so close to him as a child as I was as a baby. That made me sad.”
Here pheromones dipped into something bittersweet, before abruptly washing out with hot joy even as her face contorted to show her teeth, gleaming like some white metal.
“Then I remember that when he is bigger I get to give him incendiary devices! And we can make small rockets together!”
The human infant made a happy noise in response to his mother’s energy and First Father took the time she was distracted to make a note on a nearby tablet. Apparently restricting the introduction of incendiary devices as play things was something his hive would have to consider in dealing with their new neighbors. He supposed that must be one of the many strange results of leaving the care of infants to the female of the species.  
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